Dog and Pony Shows and Golf

In this essay, we shall take a closer look at the American tradition of the dog and pony show, in order to compare it to the sport of golf. 

Perhaps the most evident observation we can make is that both phenomena currently fuel the world economy: Just as cotton was once the oil of Earth, in terms of generating easy money, so nowadays the new oil and cotton are dog and pony shows and golf. 

Either pastime requires special shoes to be worn. Respectively: golf shoes, horseshoes, and dog shoes. 

If a dog or pony earns a first-place ribbon, that is the equivalent of getting a hole-in-one at a golf tournament: it’s not nearly as rare as you’d think. — Whenever I myself have officially judged a pony to have the best mane and coat, I find it impossible not to pet any dog that happens to be posing nearby; and if I’m near the hole in a televised golf game, and I see that a player’s ball is situated within putting distance, and the audience is silent, while the on-air commentator is making a hushed observation, I will surreptitiously use my loafer to guide the ball into the cup. For it always helps to knock a stroke or two off one’s total, since the aim in golf is to get the lowest number of points, not the highest. (I found this out the hard way, from lived experience.) 

Neither ritual welcomes loud shouting or barbaric behavior — in the case of golf, this can disturb the players’ concentration; whereas, at dog and pony shows, any unexpected noise can cause the beasts to prematurely befoul their podium: this results in disqualification, when performed prior to the contest’s poop-judging stage.

Be sure also to steer clear of sand traps and gloom-shrouded forests. The ball can get lost in either place, just like a dog or a pony. 

That’s pretty much it — I believe we have covered all the bases. So I’ll now end this with an important reminder about hygiene: 

Once you achieve first place in either domain, always stop at the cleaning station to wash off your balls, shampoo your pooch, and give your pony a hosing.