Frogger

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times:

“Frogger” is an arcade game that was released in North America around 1980. I myself first played it on the Commodore 64, which is an 8-bit home computer that I stole from my dad. The object of the game is to direct your frog to his home by crossing a 6-lane highway and then navigating a hazardous river with your friends Huck and Jim. Now I’d like to recline on this chaise lounge and free-associate about this topic while you take notes.

Froggy hopping past the cars, you are green, jumping high, leaping all across the road, strongest legs I ever saw. You hopped into Mississippi, on a log and down the river. All the atmosphere turned hazy, but you made it to your cavern: the cave hole that is your home. Once there, you noticed a thick juicy insect was waiting for you: this is your dinner. 

O my friend Froggy-Frogger, I love when you leap thru the air. And I sure hope that you don’t get smashed by any of the traffic that is zooming around — the semi trucks or the trash trucks or compact cars. Wow, this street is no place for an amphibian. Watch out for the alligator that is hiding amidst all the floating lumber. If you leap into the jaws of a predator, you get the “Game Over” noise plus a doom-laden showtune. An eaten frog is an ineffective frog. Let us avoid becoming a delicacy; for we wish to make a difference in this world. 

Dear Frog, thank you for showing up on time for your job interview. I have a few preliminary questions. First, what’s your name? Mister Frogger? Can you spell that? No? Fine, that’s not a problem. I’ll just draw a little picture of a copper toad, to serve as a symbol. That’s what you should use to sign your paychecks, IF we decide to hire you. You’re a really nice hopper, I must admit — this fact escaped me, because I didn’t bother to look at you until now. I hope you don’t mind if I keep this television on, while we conclude our interview — I’m addicted to watching “I Dream of Jeannie” reruns on mute. You are too? Or was that croak that you just uttered only a burp?

I like your shape and your hue. You have really nice legs. Can I see you hop around a little? Jeesh, impressive! Thanks, you can stop now. Here, I’ll smash a hole in the wall with my fist, and you can crouch there — make yourself at home. 

So it says here on your résumé that you once floated down the Mississippi River on a log? That’s a great experience. I’m panting because I’m impressed with your adventurous history. And it says here that you’ve died only several times, but you’re not even close to running out of arcade tokens that will replenish your available lives? Hmm, good deal. 

And when you do happen to expire, say, by leaping into the cold water or getting hit by a motorized vehicle, your physical body turns into the familiar skull-and-bones symbol? I’m sold. You’re hired. How soon can you start? This instant? Sweet. Just make your mark right here, on the signature line of the contract. We’ll pay you in houseflies. All you can eat. You’ll be working in pest control.