How to Be a Great Actor

Here is my speech on how to be a good actor. Actually, let me start again, from the top.

Hi, my name is Professor Bryan Ray. In today’s class, I will teach you how to generate a great amount of heat as the finest actor ever. This will take about ten or twenty minutes; then, after the lesson, I will pause for questions and answers.

Step one: it’s important to understand your character’s psyche. (By “character” I mean the person that you’re going to play in your movie, TV miniseries, or stage drama.) Research your role: for instance, if your character is an avid bicyclist, then you must study biking until you’re thoroughly merged with your character: the two of you should become indistinguishable. For this reason, it also helps to look a lot like your character — if they have slick black hair, you should dye your hair black and slick it down; if they wear a leather jacket, you should go buy yourself a leather jacket, etc. — this way, fans and paparazzi will find you recognizable. Now you’re ready to be a Hollywood Star.

Step two: You should find your character’s shoes, put them on, then go out into the real world and begin to behave like your character. The audience should mistake you for your character; they should never be able to notice that it’s truly you. 

Now, when you’re acting, you should make a lot of motions with your hands. And be sure to use your diaphragm whenever you’re speaking. Memorize all your lines — practice in front of the mirror, so that you can enter the production phase with confidence. Never allow your enemy to sense your fear. (By “enemy” I mean the audience.) If a role demands the removal of your clothes, then make sure that the occasion is not gratuitous: only agree to disrobing before the camera if you are 100% certain that your character would do the same, in similar circumstances. Suck in your stomach, to portray a slimmer waist. 

Well, that’s it. I have taught you how to be a great actor. I hope that you listened carefully, because I had a lot to say. If you follow my method, you will achieve lasting fame and become respected by the Guild (that is: The Federation of Film, Television, and Radio Artists). In addition, you will look beautiful — women will find you irresistible.

OK, now I’ll take some questions from the audience. . . . Yes, you with the bowl haircut — please stand up, refrain from introducing yourself, and state your question loudly and clearly so that everyone can hear. 

“Thank you. I was just wondering: How can I respect art but still pay my rent?”

That’s a great question. I would say that you must remain true to the spirit of absurdity. Try to find a good psychoanalyst and let yourself fall in love. — Next question?

“Yes, thank you for the wonderful speech, Professor Bryan. My question is: Lately I’ve been reading Goethe’s Faust, Part Two, and . . .”

This is a perfect note to end on. Everyone, please rise and follow me into the dining car, where we can enjoy refreshments together. I’ll give my full answer there — this is one of my favorite subjects: we can talk all night.