How to Cook Toast

[The following speech was delivered on 6 November 2022 at the Church of the Risen Savior in Burnsville, MN.]

Good evening. The air is crisp, isn’t it? The temp is finally dropping below the freezing point. Winter is coming. I feel foolish for deciding to ride my bicycle to this event, because, now that I’m here, I can barely feel my limbs; that’s how cold it is out there! 

Alright, before I begin my lecture on “How to Make Toast”, I want to tell you a couple things about myself and also share some of my credentials.

To start, you should know that I had an extremely vivid dream last night — you believers will have to tell me whether you consider it prophetic or not — here’s what happened:

In my dream, there were people living on this section of the continent, before it was ever called “The United States”; and then some ships came from the sea and brought foreign folks who eventually annihilated much of the original population and built a country in its place. 

Now, you might be saying to yourself: Bryan, your dream sounds rather boring, for this type of thing happens every day, here on Earth: it’s the usual way that new nations get formed. — Well, OK, you may have a point, but here’s where my vision deviates from the norm: 

In my dream, all of the populations that had been exterminated now banded together as a multitude of spirits, and they formed a massive army, which returned to their former land and slaughtered their slaughterers. Thus they took their country back. An eye for an eye. — Now, I’m not saying that I condone this; it was just the dream I had. Personally I agree with Jesus of Nazareth, who, in the Gospel of Matthew (5:39), says, “resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” So I think that the army of spirits who had been wronged should have returned to their usurpers and bequeathed them a second USA. But, as of yet, I’m not aware that there is any way to edit or revise one’s dreams. 

Now, I want to note just a couple more things before we get to the main event. Let’s have everyone form a single-file line, because I want you all to come and approach me here at the podium — I want you to look at these new shoes that I am wearing. I’d like to receive a compliment from each and every one of you, before we begin. And if you fail to say something nice, I will tweak your nose. — While you’re making your way through this procession, I’ll rattle off my credentials: 

My Credentials

More important than any diploma, certification, or experience, is the quality of one’s character. And my character is essentially rad. My old rap partner used to be married to a girl named Lisa, and she had a step-dad who was rad, so, whenever I would walk around town, I would announce to passersby “I, Bryan, am rad like Lisa’s step-dad.” That should give you an idea of the level of radness that was instilled within me by my Maker, who is my Owner. 

But, for those of you who care about certificates of achievement that are written on paper, which “moth and rust doth corrupt” (Matthew 6:19), I’ll have you know that I’m an official graduate of the U.S. Public School System. I would hold up my diploma to prove this, but the truth is that I lost it. No joke — I’ll see if I can get a copy, tho. Anyone who’s interested, just give me your contact info and I’ll email you whatever results I can find.

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Alright, now for the reason you all came here tonight: my prizewinning speech about toast. Listen up, because I’m about to instruct you. Is everyone ready? Here we go…

How to Cook Toast

First, take out a piece of bread. Make sure it’s not stale or moldy. Then, head over to the toaster. Make sure that it has electricity. (Make sure it’s plugged in.) Now put the bread in the slot on top of the toaster; then remove your hand away — for, beware: it gets hot. Pull down the lever that’s located on the side of the toaster. Then just wait. Soon your toast will be done. 

Oh, yes, and while you’re standing there, go fetch some butter, jelly preserves, or candied yams. Once the lever pops back up, you’ll see that your bread has now become crisp toast. 

Unplug the device before you toss it away, otherwise you run the risk of getting electrocuted. Then take the slices out of the slot. Again, I sternly warn you to use care, so as not to burn your hand. 

Once you’ve got the toast safely away from its incubator, spread the grape jam on its face. At last, you’re ready to serve your cuisine.