Suggested Intro Speech to Use at Job Interviews

Here I am, right on time for our scheduled interview. I’m actually a little early — that’s good. My name’s Bryan Ray. Glad to meet you. (Note my firm handshake.)  I think I’m the right fit for this job, because I’m totally raw and eager to perform hard work. I’m like the pop diva So-&-So, because I’m super spunky. Who’s your favorite tap dancer? Oh, that guy! Well, no offense, but I could tap dance all over his corpse, and I would do so gladly. That’s just something to keep in mind, during the hiring process. (I don’t want to tell you how to do your job; I’m just trying to help.) 

If you had to rank me among the types of workers of the world, I’d say that I’m uncategorizable. Or you’d need to create a whole new section label, such as “RUDE MASTER”; but, even if you did that, you’d be wrong, because, as we literally just established, I’m uncategorizable. I’m like the country singer Randy Travis except with black skin, plus I have a sidecar that follows me around as a portable opium den. Don’t believe me? Then thrust your arm through my packaging case’s side window and see for yourself: Feel free to test the torch atop my cross-dressing Christmas tree — it’s a toggle situation: you simply touch it, either to put out or light up the flame. 

I should also mention that if you hire me on the spot, I’ll need to take some time off soon, because I’m having a baby for my friend Madonna. It should only take a day or two, as opposed to weeks — cuz I’m just the surrogate who shall carry the child to term; then, once it springs out, she (Madonna) will smother it with care from that point on. I hope this doesn’t mess up the company’s schedule. . . . Oh, and I gotta tell you one last funny thing we did: You know how, when you get involved in these types of adoptive birth-experiments, the hospital makes you fill out certain official forms and paperwork to keep on file in their medical system? Well (this was mostly Madonna’s idea), in the place where the parents are supposed to print their names, she’s listed as “THE BIRDS & THE BEES” — and I’m “PIRANHA”.