Legalize Crack

I found out that the substance known as crack is defined as “a free base form of the stimulant cocaine that can be smoked”. Now here’s what I conclude. Everyone keeps pouting about the continued illegalization of marijuana (which is defined as “a dried preparation of the flowering tops of the cannabis plant”); but I say: Forget marijuana — we should legalize crack. Here are my reasons:

There is nothing wrong with crack. Crack is a blast. Private companies can mass-produce crack, and then the government can regulate it. Just think of all the benefits. There would be job opportunities, when crack parlors open up all over our natural habitat. Plus everybody’s going to make a lot of money. As I said above, this will benefit the state most of all, because they’ll be able to shovel in that tax money. (You have to admit, “Crack Tax” has a nice ring to it.) For, any time that anybody purchases a vial of crack cocaine, a geyser of revenue will be generated. Every day will be like Black Friday and Cyber Monday fused into one. Crack is also good for the cardiovascular system. And if we make it a legal substance, then we will eliminate all of the drug dealers that dwell in our public parks. Thus, the police will finally be able to relax.

Is anybody listening? I’m offering our society a solution to all of its problems. Just legalize crack for me and my business associates, and all the elements of commerce that have fallen down will build themselves back up better. The main obstacle to get over is the sadly misinformed populace: People need to learn the truth about crack. Most folks think that it is evil, but it’s not really all that bad. Consider the following: It makes you feel good. It muffles your pain. It heals all your mangled limbs. And I’ll say it again: it’s a big moneymaker. Also it really, really helps astronomy.

So, heed my advice, instead of ignoring it: Legalize crack in the USA. (Can a country truly be brave and free without crack cocaine?) The Science has spoken: It gives you the power to turn your sled, when you’re in the Downhill Olympics. Crack also fits inside any type of luggage or carry-on bag, so you can bring it with you when traveling. And it doesn’t even matter what color of hair or eyes you seem to have.