Meat Blanket

Yum: look at this silky soft meat blanket. Warm and cozy, medium rare, it keeps me warm in the wintertime. Now I can sleep wrapped up in meat. Very cozy. (I slumber nude.) The meat blanket has a programmable thermostat, so I can crank up the temperature. It is pure Valhalla. Smells fresh, too — no maggots or flies. Of course, it’s high-maintenance, but it’s worth the trouble to be able to luxuriate inside such a one-of-a-kind comfort. My meat blanket is marbled with fat; a real choice cut. It insulates me from all of life’s problems. Big, shiny and red, with plenty of flavor and spice. I call up my neighbors and invite them over to look — in awe, they begin to make comments and ask many questions; which I reply to, as fast as I can: “Yes, it’s warmer than wool,” I answer. . . . “And, yes, the company will give you your money back, if you ever feel cold. . . . Oh, I agree; it does have a wonderful scent. . . . No: no sins were committed during its manufacturing process; neither is it a sin to own and use a meat blanket — therefore, go ahead: snuggle up tight and drape it over your face.”