While I am driving down I-494 from Maple Grove to Fort Snelling, I see a sign that says “Come Visit Chris Heino’s House of Wonders — Next Exit”; so I just have to stop, because Chris Heino is the name of one of my old friends from public school.
After spending a long time browsing around Chris Heino’s House of Wonders, one particular wonder that I find under the other wonders catches my interest: The item is at once more fascinating and more exasperating than anything I’ve ever seen — it is marketed as a “Non-Annihilatable Bean-Bag Chair”.
Noticing that I am intrigued, one of the saleswomen approaches me and delivers the following speech:
“What the display claims is true: the bean bag is indestructible. Watch this: you can shoot it with diamond bullets, and it maintains its integrity. You can even use a dental tool to tear up the stitches at its seams, and it doesn’t spill rice. (It’s filled with rice — that’s what makes it so comfortable.) You can sit on it, and just keep sitting on it and sitting on it, and it will never break. Not only is it non-annihilatable, it’s also mal-adjustable. Plus it qualifies as a low-calorie snack; so it’ll help to tone your physique. Oh, and if you’re the type of guy who gets in fights all the time, and you need an escape bubble, then just press this button on the side, and it solves the problem. Do you understand what you’re beholding here? It’s the beanbag that cannot be destroyed. It’s literally invincible; and I can’t overemphasize the fact that you can still sit on it. Also, don’t forget, whenever you’re in a dangerous situation that seems to guarantee violent death — say, there’s a buffalo stampede at a political rally — simply press that big button that I showed you: it blows out bubbles.”
When the clerk’s hard-sell comes to an end, I can’t resist making a purchase. I toss the item into my vehicle’s trunk and continue on to my destination (I’m just running an errand for a strange woman I met at the park); after which, I return back to my house in the suburbs and place the indestructible bean bag chair in the corner of my front room.
Later that evening, I find myself caught in a gun war. Bullets are riddling the face of my house, shattering the window glass; pictures are dropping from the walls, and knick-knacks are falling off the shelves. So I get down close to the ground and scramble around on the floor for a while, trying to remain alive. Then suddenly I recall that, earlier in the day, I had positioned in the corner of my room the non-annihilatable bean bag chair! So I crawl over to it, open the zipper, and slither inside; for I know that this is the best place to stow myself at the moment, being that the bean bag is made from an impenetrable material that is hard as rock. — “Bring it on, you suckers!” I shout from within my protective envelope. The enemies start shooting my bean bag chair; yet, after a while, they grow frustrated, because whatever type of ammo or means of attack that they are using has no effect. My bean bag chair is truly indestructible. The foemen now try to kick it and beat it with a truncheon; they try to light it on fire and even chop it up with an ax, but to no avail. They are out of their league. So they now start cussing and swearing and threatening and insulting me, until their voices grow hoarse and give out. Finally they leave.
In conclusion, I’m glad that I prepared for this event by becoming the owner of a plush turquoise indestructible bean-bag chair, sold only at Chris Heino’s House of Wonders, located on interstate highway 494 between Maple Grove and Fort Snelling.
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