The Biggest Gun

An AK-47 assault rifle is pretty effective. A Glock 9-millimeter pistol will do the job. A fully automatic machinegun is nice; or a sawed-off shotgun, if that’s your thing. Also a Magnum revolver or sweet black Uzi. 

All the above weapons are decent firearms — they’ll find the flesh and blast right thru — but listen here:

I own the biggest, strongest handgun ever made: it weighs 989 tons, and it requires seven people to hold it (twelve people, if they’re elderly); and each bullet that you load into its chamber is the size of a Mack Truck.

Here’s the sound it makes: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! — Kind of like a battering ram. 

This gun is bigger than a building. And its shooting function is not only useful for personal protection: it also works well for nailing, hunting, and farming.