Coke Binge

One day, I went on a cocaine binge and continued inhaling until my nose became solid steel. So I successfully overate and got stuffed on juicy snow, which was cooked to perfection: it made my mind and body tingle. 

I felt so good that I ran around the house about fifty-five times, but then I started wheezing because I caught asthma. 

“Oops, now I’m REALLY gonna be in trouble,” I said, pointing at my grandmother who was approaching; for she happened to arrive home at that very moment. 

Actually it was both of my grandmothers: Ruth and Maxine: they both came home at once and jointly discovered my cocaine problem, when they opened the refrigerator door and saw a big plastic bag bulging with powdered milk and baking soda. For I like to keep my stash cold so that it stays fresh. (Have you ever binged on stale coke?—it’s not ideal.) 

This cocaine binge that I went on helped me move faster and obtain a thinner physique. It cost a lot of money, and it made my heart beat rapidly. If you choose to emulate my actions because I’m your role model, just make sure that the coast is clear, then chop it up, toss an eight ball off the wall, don’t fall asleep (ever), and snort ninety-six lines. Actually, do much more than that, and leap over a fence. Run from the cops. Pick up the pace: don’t fall behind in life. Leave a trail of sparkles wherever you go.