The Bestselling Children’s Book of 2003

Our main character is a wizard. He’s a hero to the kids, because he is saving everyone from the diabolical authoress, whose plan is to prohibit the little children from realizing their dreams of becoming translators of high literature. He (our hero, not the evil authoress) ain’t no fish, lion, or otter; he’s a small male European. 

So then, one day, our protagonist receives a letter, which summons him away to private school, where he earns a certification in gastronomic alchemy; and now, more than two decades later, he’s still trending on most of the social networks. He segregates himself away from those who are not conversant with the ways of gourmet sorcery, because he’s fighting for his own rights to trump the rights of others. Yes, the authoress got to him: he’s under her sway now, brainwashed and hypnotized, as she’s the one writing his adventure. That’s why, instead of creating renditions of his favorite foreign scriptures or penning masterworks of his own, he waves a wand and juggles balls. 

Soon, this child-wizard, the main character, attains immense political power. He runs for the position of BARABBAS (which means “Son of the Father,” and thus “Son of God”). Of course, his opponent in this election is the King of Kings, another partisan of the authoress (who “might have rejoiced at the notion that Jesus and Barabbas were historically the same person,” according to Harold Bloom’s essay on Christopher Marlowe), so it’s a win-win for the authorities — the whole system is rigged. 

And, since all fellow-characters are refractions of their playwright, our hero’s biological parents prove deceivers. They murder his heavenly parents when he is young, and this leaves him with a bat-shaped scar on his cheek.

Therefore, let us go down and speak into existence our own counter-book to outsell this bestseller, so that we can save our savior from being trapped between the authoress’s covers. Help me with this ghostwriting, gentle reader. Thank you so much. Now let us preview the initial book in our lengthy series — here below, complete and unabridged, is the first page of the volume that shall start the whole craze and cause our children’s story to become an instant classic:

Well gol damn! Look: our hero is wearing Coke-bottle glasses, whose frame and lenses resemble the bottom of two drinking cups. This is our alter ego, christened The Super Wizard. 

And his girlfriend’s name is Mandy With Red Hair — she helps to end whatever has begun. 

So let’s talk more now about this book, which has pages of writing for you to see and look at; also great things of diverse nature, pleasing to the mind. Remember our hero, The Super Wizard? Well, he can levitate. He’s wearing a dark purple cloak with a pattern of spilled Milky Ways, and he voices nonstop curse-laden catchphrases.