“I can’t believe how long this waiting line is, here at the Department of Motor Vehicles. And I’m scared because the person standing too close to me is Mr. Gutman from The Maltese Falcon (1941).”
“Ring-ring: I can help number thirteen hundred.”
“Yes! That’s me — I’m ready to take my driving exam.”
“First, I need to smell your breath.”
“Ah, OK. Is that because you suspect that I’ve been drinking?”
“No, this is just for my own personal pleasure. Mmm, that’s nice: it’s like a minty fresh rug, under which has been swept some cigars and booze. Here’s your written test. Use quill-pen only.”
“What is all this scripture saying? I’ll be damned if I can read it — it’s not made of proper words but just goofy symbols.”
“No, you’re looking at the side that’s printed in Ancient Egyptian — flip it over for Modern English.”
“Oh, I see. Great! Now I can hand it back to you: I’m done.”
“Dang, you got all the answers incorrect.”
“What! That makes me sad. Now I feel hatred for this system.”
“No, cheer up: Here, we place the highest value on antinomians who think unorthodoxly. Therefore, you achieved the new Top Score. Please etch your initials onto these golden record tablets. Now it’s time for your driving test. Let’s hear your engine roar.”
“Vroom, vroom!”
“That’s excellent. I’ll be your judge; my name’s Lady Liberty. Ready to race? Alright, GO! Now turn here, jump there; spin around and screech to a halt.”
“What a long, strange trip. Did I flop with flying colors?”
“You violated every rule in the book.”
“Hooray! Let’s celebrate.”
Prince James and Lady Liberty now perform the forbidden dance; during the course of which Ms. Liberty’s tiara falls off, revealing that she is actually Prince James’ mother.
“What comes next for us, Ms. Mare?”
“Brace yourself and stop and stare.”
“Oh, I’m honored to receive this invitation to partake in British-style austerity.”
“Such a solemn festival this is. It feels like we’re being surveilled by secret agents.”
The tragedy concludes with a long list of enjoyments that they shall forgo during the rest of the empire.
No comments:
Post a Comment