One for All

Thank you for attending my lecture on utilitarianism. I will begin with a Greek chorus of maenads chanting as follows. 

Greatest good for the greatest number:
     Utilitarians chopping lumber.
Finest machine with the finest cogs:
     Utilitarians chopping logs.

I’ve always been a team-player. When I see an attractive gentleman, I never approach him with an obnoxious pick-up line; no, I pass him up for the good of my community – we are a band of thirty women – thus, I give my friends a chance at the bachelor. My preference is to remain on friendly terms with everyone, and to proceed smoothly in all economic transactions; howbeit, if my group ever needs me to let loose and go ape-crazy, I will comply and prove that I harbor the highest aspirations. And I practice what I preach, literally: for I serve as the clergywoman of our congregation. I will do anything that my personal God tells me, unless he orders the destruction of our entire society. For I have invested 100% of my being: Back when I was a little girl growing up in this utilitarian milieu, I sold my body and mind for the greater good; that’s how our clan was able to thrive — I couldn’t stand to see it get snuffed out, so that owls and ravens inherit the desolation. 

Now, we all know that a kidnapper is someone who nabs kids. I would never do that. But I did spend my formative years abducting gangster rappers. And, whenever my countrywomen informed me that it would be better for our community if I would go back and capture a few more, I happily complied.

I believe in securing the best for the majority. Should that mean treating fringe factions unfairly, so be it. My point of view is that if the life of fifty weeds could be improved by the slaying of one flower, then I’ll personally stomp through your garden to get the job done. That’s my moral conviction, and I’ll stick to it. Let’s say that a true prophet prophesies that you yourself will be a blight upon society — in that case, it would be repugnantly selfish of you not to chop down your family tree before your own branch has a chance to sprout.