My Coffin

Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Hi, I’m a vampire; could you help me out—I locked myself inside my coffin.

You suggest that I sleep in a bed, like a normal person. Nah, I could never do that. I’ve tried it, and it doesn’t appeal to me. I can’t even manage to take a nap unless I’m in my black wooden casket.

And I never dream; so I have no recurring nightmares for you to analyze. All I can do is offer you some more personal facts — I hope this helps:

• My favorite part of the Bible is when it talks about the blood of the lamb.
• I don’t even have a reflection when I look in the mirror. 
• I can change into a bat, flap my wings a few times, and then change right back. 
• My teeth are dripping red. 
• I have the metabolism of a turkey-pheasant. 
• I will never get married, because I’m already a nonliving entity.