Now that our mission is complete, we return to our native planet: Earth. I’m happy to be coming home, because I was getting tired of walking on alien lawns. Plus, up in outer space, it’s way too dark.
OK, so: Wow, we touch down on NASA’s landing pad. I exit the shuttle with a confident stride, holding a red-flavored Space Brew in one hand, positioned so that its logo is facing the news cameras.
“Yeah, I know, we’ve been away for a while, exploring the outer darkness,” I say to the reporters who are huddled for the press conference, “and now we are heroes. So go ahead and give us three big cheers.” (All the people gathered here exclaim “Hip huzzah” thrice while raising their grails.)
After this, Cosmonaut Stegz and I pose with the crew for some photos.
Then my space girlfriend, who is now my space wife, introduces me to her family of tellurian squidlings and explains to them that I am their new heavenly father. Which is true.
Finally, all of us senior crew-members do a show-and-tell session for the press: We share the data that we collected from all the foreign planets, while revealing huge glossy pictures of how it looks to fly thru space; and we distribute all the leftover packets of astro food.
In return, the news reporters show us some artists’ depictions of what life is like on Planet Earth, which is a globe of rain, fire, and snow: There are polluted cities, policemen, display screens, owners and employees.
Our crew now climbs into a limousine that has been waiting for us, and we are driven to the center of town, where we see our names in lights. But we also notice a gospel nailed to a cross which says “WANTED: Dead or Alive” with a portrait of Cosmonaut Stegz underneath; plus it lists his height, earth-weight, and wig color. It seems that the multitude of extraterrestrials that he seduced along the way have formed an empire and wish to fight him in a perennial Space Battle (the far-off future will transform this dilemma into a movie franchise called Star Wars); therefore, we hasten back to our ship and fire up the rockets. — I’ll let you know how things end, if we ever escape.
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