The Hemophiliac Bearded Woman

Look at what we have here: a large lady who is covered in scraggly hair. She’s “The Bearded Woman” at the Hemophiliac Circus. Now, I have a monkey named Tertz who is my personal assistant; and, as soon as he sets eyes on this miracle of nature, he gets all heated up and starts cooing and cawing and saying hew, hew, hew. He then bows and tries to pronounce the phrase “Hello, darling.” Yes, Tertz is lovestruck, overcome by his animal instinct, after ogling this plump hairy damsel. “Please calm down, Tertz; you’re making me nervous,” I say, as Tertz leaps up and pounces upon her rump; “you’re going to get yourself in trouble!” But the woman gestures dismissively and tells the crowd not to worry, for she knows what she is doing. So, we in the audience wait in awkward suspense, as the twain finish consummating their impromptu marriage — all we can do is pray that this act does not draw blood.