08 July 2023

How to Please Your Spouse

Give ear, O ye married folks, for I will now tell you what’s up. Here’s the deal. Yeah, I heard you: You wish you knew how to please your spouse. It’s hard, but just listen. First, show your spouse support. Don’t always act like you have something to prove. Think of your spouse’s feelings, before you start complaining. Take your spouse out on the town at least once per week. Try making your spouse a gift — some sort of handcrafted object to represent your affection. Offer your spouse a facial scrub. Kiss your spouse frequently. Attempt a foot-rub. Be kind and caring, empathetic, and sweet. Do not assume that your spouse thinks exactly the same way that you do about everything in the universe. When the dramatic miniseries that the two of you have been watching comes to an end, don’t immediately stand up and expect your spouse to want to engage in a firm handshake; rather, try striking up a conversation. Get to know your spouse; maybe go outdoors for a romantic walk. Then, when the moon appears, lock eyes for an interval. Purchase flowers, and hold them at arm’s length while asking how your spouse’s day went. Stop sucking your spouse’s shirt. Tell your spouse “I’m glad that you’re home; do not leave the room.” Use your polite voice, and spit out your gum beforehand. Avoid flirting with every passing priest.

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