Going to Hell

1. Riding the Trolley in Hell

Traveling to get a big bulging barrel of white snowflakes in the underworld. Never sleep, never wake; always pay money. Jump on the damned trolley and ride thru a pitch-dark tunnel. Sit back, relax. The bell is dinging as we head down the track to Paradise City. The trolley’s conductor has large black wings. We are wearing blue jeans; our eyeballs are melting jellies. We’re standing on red hot coals amid rivers of lava. Fire and brimstone are raining down, giving us a headache. It smells like burnt hair.

2. Picnic in Hell

Packing up the tomato pie, cold cuts, and Soylent Green (1973). We’re having a picnic, right in the flames. Got a Magic 8 Ball that keeps telling us to drag things across the sand. We sit cross-legged. Pass the napkins. Molten rock in a drinking cup. The Devil joins us. There are flaming pillars and burnt black flowers. We are sitting on a beach towel. Fiery death-birds rip open our throat and slash us to pieces.

3. Meeting the Fire Lord in Hell

In the last episode, we picnicked with the Devil. Today, we meet the Fire Lord. He enters the scene and yells: “Nom de guerre, is that you? Hello!” We get burnt badly by the flames that fly out of the Fire Lord’s voice. We scream and shout: “More!” Then we cry big teardrops, and the Fire Lord says: “You are lying.” The Fire Lord concludes by whipping us with a chain.

4. Trapped in Hell

The door is locked. It is damp; there are moths and mold. Try praying to God. Now try denouncing God. Nothing happens. We are trapped flat on our back in a maze of death, with serpents and demons pawing us, and hell-panthers dancing. There are trap doors everywhere, all leading to fire.

5. Falling in Hell

What a rush! Dropping like a tennis ball off a very tall building. We remark: “I wonder if this pit truly lacks a ground floor like those elevators in New York that just keep going down and down and down,” but, just then, we land on a cold, damp mattress.

6. Dead in Hell

What happened is that we woke up in bed with no memory, and we could not move. So someone called the authorities, and they knelt and prayed that one of the modern miracles of science would come and save us. But, as the proverb says: “When you return from Hell, there ain’t no goin’ back.” So the funeral is tomorrow. Tell everyone to don a soot-black suit and gather up their daughters and wives: “Come join your friend in one last act of solidarity by putting an end to yourselves upon the pyre. After that, we can all wake up in bed with perhaps a new lover.”