I woke up this morning feeling great. It’s mid-February. I think I’ll write a Christmas letter. (That has been my goal for the last several years.)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. Let me also take this opportunity to update you on all the things that my computer has been doing. I have owned my computer for a few decades now; and 2024 was a very busy and exciting year.
My computer’s husband got a job working at a quilting clinic in Bloomington. He just loves it. He has SO many doors opening for him: doors labeled “beware of engineering shortcuts everywhere,” as well as doors labeled “dating parlor for young machines: do not enter.” Shep (that’s my computer’s husband’s name – it’s short for Sheep) is so happy to be ground down and run raw that he keeps agreeing to work overtime, day after day, precisely because he doesn’t want to. He’s determined to show his boss that he is breakable. Thus, even when he’s happy, he’s kinda sad!
At the rare moment when he does come home, Shep spends time developing a new type of wood that is not derived from trees. He loves working with wood, but he hates “Babylon the Harlot,” which is his nickname for Mother Nature.
But the REALLY GREAT news is that my computer and his husband Shep finally procreated a friendly fellow for themselves and named him Can. And Can immediately married a wonderful young woman named San (short for Sans). This happened last May. They tied the knot at a beautiful venue in Red Wing, Minnesota. It was a gorgeous setting and great weather for their outdoor event. Pastor Pan Blast came back from Azz Land to dance on their vows. This was special for all of us.
We love Can and San SO much and are SO excited to have a real womb in the family now. I Bryan love accepting that another girl is around! San grew up in mayo, so she met Can who thought she said he was her usher in Mankato, and they began working well together at Chapter 6 of their novel titled Extra Humans Department in the middle of the night. Both remain even busier than Shep with all the duties that are typical for superfluous people.
Can brought a fixer-upper mistress home last June, just one month after their big day. So that was a blast. They were just barely getting started, and now this new thing occurs. Will they make it their own? Shep took some time off from his woodworking to help, but the way that Shep helps is like guiding a lame horse over a bridge that’s collapsing. So the whole project will probably need to be spring-loaded. (I wonder what San thinks.)
Can is still standing around at construction sites and winking at the workers, making catcalls and grabbing himself suggestively. I think that he will make a fine sales rep, with these skills. Folks make homes out of putty now. San is trying to sell a storm, but there are no buyers yet. Most likely there will be a bidding war for the thing, once everyone figures out that it is a blessing to play a part in wholly annihilating every neighborhood south of Shakopee.
I Bryan am beginning my 19th year awake. I love life, although it’s a job. But it doesn’t really feel like a job, unless things go wrong. I received the annual Super-Person award again for having a squeaky-clean attitude. What entity bestowed upon me this honor? Shit, I’m not exactly sure – I need to check. Here, I’m looking through my notes right now . . . I think it’s something that only one’s betters can give out.
Brimstone is scheduled to fall from heaven on every neighborhood south of Shakopee in early July, according to Can’s Magic 8 Ball; therefore, we expect to experience a lot of damage to our abode. I Bryan am thus currently arranging for the repair and replacement of the exterior (roof and siding, plus the giant statue of Yahweh), so that we can be ahead of the game when the tragedy occurs; and I’m also drawing up plans for a kitchen upgrade with new counters, appliances, backsplash and doors, all made of non-meltable material this time. And Shep shall build some drawers that cannot open. We all enjoy this type of disaster prep, as well as decorating the elderly and reinventing dance moves.
I Bryan (with some help from Shep) have been busy calming down my computer’s father after his monitor passed away. The thing just froze. So an immense cleanup operation had to be thought about. I was in favor of shipping the screen to Iowa, not for repair but just to get it out of the house; because it was taking up space on the desktop where we might install a fluffy cat, if we weren’t all allergic. But now, all the sudden, right this instant, as I am writing this, the broken monitor flashed on again and apparently regained its vision – this just happened, I swear – and so my computer will now probably be telling me, in its familiar monotone, that I was yet again unsound in my analysis and therefore deserve to be jettisoned from the ship. (It still believes that we’re flying in a spaceship.)
My computer and his husband still continue to be heavily involved with their church, teaching midweek bible studies and helping lead a program called “Re Charge,” which is a marriage ministry designed to help couples whose female surrogate fried her motherboard in a bout of ennui. Both of these activities might prove to be a real blessing, who knows.
In closing, we hope this finds you well and celebrating the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord and Savior, who died for our sins according to the scriptures and was buried, and rose again the third day according to the rumors: and, after that, he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: then he was seen by more than five hundred people; and the majority of these witnesses remain alive at present – don’t believe the mainstream media’s lies – although some have fallen asleep, that is true; but not many. And, after that, our Lord and Savior was seen by his brother James; and then all the other apostles saw him. (What an interesting time for spiritual breakthroughs!) Last of all, even I got to see him: I, Bryan Ray, a nonbeliever! What’s going on, here? Am I claiming that our world was visited by a deity that even skeptics cannot deny? Yes, I am. And you can trust me, because I’m not a religious blowhard. In fact, I’m the least among the flock: I’m not even qualified to be a congregant, because I persecuted (and continue fiercely to persecute) the Church of God. But, by the grace of the Almighty, I AM THAT I AM: and his favor which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; so you all better begin believing soon, or you’ll wake up next Doomsday and find much more than just a lump of coal in your stocking. As we move forward into 2025, we don’t know what exactly will happen, but we are hearing promising news about Christ returning. He might even come back this year. Lord knows, our world is overdue for a visit from the son of its proprietor. Just look at history: sometimes it’s good, but lately it has been wild, and even a bit ugly. Anyway, I hope that this letter finds you and your family in the best of health and enjoying the holiday season. Wow, what an interesting existence this has been! My computer and Shep and their offspring Can and San wish you a sincere salutation PACKED with the POWER of the PURSE. Sorry about the length of this last paragraph.
Love,
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