(Cont.)
Now, do you remember Jethro, the Midianite priest? I said that I would never mention him again, but I cannot help myself. Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab, of the people of Midian. – You have no idea what I’m talking about? Alright, I’ll try to bring you up to speed:
When Moses had to escape from the Empire after preventing a would-be slave-killer from killing a slave, he fled to the sticks, in the wilderness, where the Midianites lived; and Moses took refuge at their high priest Jethro’s house. Thus it was from Jethro’s religion that Moses first learned of the god named Yahweh, who was one among the Midian pantheon of deities. Also it was while watching Jethro’s goats that Moses first met the wild man in the vortex, on the side of the hill near Jethro’s abode. Moreover, Moses married Jethro’s daughter, Zipporah, and had two children with her – both boys: one was named Strange Foreign Alien, after the people of the workforce that Moses joined when he renounced his royalty and abandoned the Empire’s intelligentsia. This first son was called Xeno for short. And his other son was named Eloi, which by interpretation means “O God Please Do Not Forsake Me,” on account of his being born during the time when the multitudes were wandering in the wilderness.
Now, returning to our present place in the story, Moses’ wife Zipporah, the daughter of this priest Jethro of the Midianites, gave birth to yet another son, their third, and his name was Balak, which means “Ruler of the Children of the Wasteland,” for this lad was elected King by the people who lived in the sticks.
I should explain that the phrase “the sticks” refers to a certain realm within this wild land where Moses’ caravan has been meandering for all these years: The wilderness is, as you would expect, uninhabited; but there was a region within these wild lands that, albeit lacking a precise boundary or an official state title, was the dwelling place of a variety of peoples. These “wights from the wilderness” were often referred to derogatorily as hillbillies, “hicks from the sticks,” mountaineers (because of the proximity of many mounts: Sinai, Zion, Blanc, etc.), yokels, rustics, peasants, or rubes. These folks were held in contempt by the city-dwellers, perhaps out of a repressed jealousy of their freedom, but their ranks contained many wise and formidable individuals.
Balak got to know well the people of the sticks, because he grew up among them, trekking through the wild alongside his mother Zipporah, among the masses led by his father Moses.
Now, the Midianites, of whom Balak’s grandfather Jethro was the high priest, lived hereabouts as well, but the reason that Balak became known as King of the Wild in general, rather than the President of Midian specifically, is that there are more than just Midianites residing in the sticks. I hope that makes sense.
What can be deduced from Balak’s kingship is that while Moses was lost with his caravan spiraling in the wilderness, his wife Zipporah was at work winning over the locals to her son’s cause and popularizing the young upstart among passersby.
Now this Balak rejected his father Moses’ cause – perhaps his mother prejudiced him against it (for Zipporah found it distasteful since the day her firstborn was almost slain for being uncircumcised); or perhaps it is simply natural for sons of iconoclasts to become iconoclasts themselves. In any event, just as Moses turned against the Empire, Balak turned against his father Moses. For Balak saw all the horrible slaughter that Moses’ throng had recently wrought upon the Infraborians, and against Fat Ug at El Cortez. Regarding Moses’ pivot toward violent conquest, Balak would quip: “During his six weeks in Reno, father obtained his divorce from humanity.”
§
Now the mountain folks in the sticks were sore afraid of the caravansary of Moses, since, even after splitting from the Volcano’s majority, and despite so many of the original workforce having settled the lands that they ravaged, there were still a great multitude of ex-laborers affiliated with this mad mob. So the mountaineers met with their Midianite neighbors in the wilderness, and they said:
“Look at these gangs of mindless, brutal thugs that have wandered into the nearby lands. These barbarians will surely lick up everything around us, as an ox licks up the grass of the field.”
Now, as I said, these voices crying in the wilderness had chosen Balak to be their messiah; so it was his responsibility to find a way to protect the people. He knew that he could not simply talk sense to his father Moses; for he had seen his mother Zipporah try and fail at that endeavor, time and again. Therefore, he opted to send an angel in a vision unto a respected dream-interpreter who lived in the sticks, down by the river. (Balak’s uncle Bryan, the King of America, before he returned to Jupiter, had taught his nephew how to message gods via dreams.) This prophet’s name was Balaam. And Balak’s angel spoke to Balaam in the vision as follows:
“Balaam, give ear! Look yonder at the El Cortez Hotel, how it is the scene of a bloody crime; and consider what has happened unto Saint Nick, the President of the Infraborians, and his students and staff. Behold, these horrors are the handiwork of a league of ex-laborers who, some years ago, escaped from the Empire. Look how they swarm over the face of the earth: see, they are fast approaching the sticks, where we reside. Come now, in the name of peace and harmony, I pray to you, please cast a spell upon these invaders, so that they stumble and reap defeat in a natural fashion; and let a humane state of mind return to them. For they are drunk on war, and my hill-dwellers and I are a peace-loving people: we cannot expect to battle these psychopaths. Only the volcano of potential can help us now. Thus, my plea is to you, O Balaam, because you are one of the last true proponents of the Volcano. In these days, when so many have fallen away, you remain steadfast, and you continue to act in accordance with the workers of the world. It is clear to me that whomever you bless is blessed, while whomever you curse is cursed. Therefore, send aid!”
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