(Cont.)
Then the wild man readied himself and set out on foot towards the city of the King, away from his vortex on the hillside, along with Moses and Bryan, who joined him on his trek into the country. And, as they went, the wild man said: “Let us reset our calendars to make this month the first of the year. Tell the working class that, annually, on this very same day – the Ides of March – they shall celebrate what I am about to do to the ruling class. And warn them that, at a certain point in the future, some cadre of rulers will surely strike back and retaliate in an equally bloody way (for violence only begets further violence), to flip our holiday’s meaning on its head. But, until then, let this day commemorate our victory over the oppressors. Now, here is what the workforce shall do, every year, to help them remember the importance of the upcoming marvel:
“Create a piñata in the shape of a mandrake, and fill it with wild plants. If you have them, you can add hedgerow cuttings, grasses, and alfalfa hay. Now gather with all your loved ones; and, at the stroke of midnight, behead the piñata. Then call in your goats to graze upon the guts (represented by the assorted greens that spilled out from the mock firstborn). Listen closely now: Never substitute cherry syrup for the piñata’s stuffing, or any plant that is poisonous to goats. Amen: that is all. Do this every year, in remembrance of my malfeasance. For I will lurk through the country this night and sever the head from each of the firstborn children of the ruling class. Yes, I will execute judgment against their high god Mammon; for I am his nemesis: the volcano of potential. And I will not harm any of the firstborn of the working class, but I will spare their residences when I pass through the land: for I know where they live. Thus, by means of this sneak attack against the King, I will release all the workers from servitude and lead my armies out of the country.”
And it happened that, at midnight, the Volcano visited all the firstborn of the ruling class, and he raised his glittering sword and decapitated them: from the firstborn of the King who sat on the throne to the firstborn of each and every creditor and overseer, as well as those of the administrative staff and all their house-pets.
And the King awoke in the night – he, and all the creditors and overseers, and all the minions on their payroll – and there was a distressing shriek throughout the country; for there was scarcely a single house where blood was not shed.
And the King called Moses and Bryan in to the throne room for an emergency meeting at night, and he said: “Get going, hurry: take all your workers and leave. Now! Flee with speed: go meet with your chieftain, as you requested. Take all the workers, young and old, and also the livestock: I don’t care; just be gone, now – and grant me luck, too.”
And the creditors and overseers urged the workers to depart: “Leave, now, or he’ll murder us all!”
Thus, in order to exit the country fast, the workers took their dough before it was leavened; and their kneadingtroughs were bound up in their clothes upon their shoulders.
And the workers followed the advice of Moses; and they borrowed from their wealthy neighbors golden and silver jewelry and gemstones, plus other luxury items and expensive clothing. And, as we saw, the wild man caused the upper classes to be predisposed to help their underlings, in this instance; so they lent them whatsoever they needed. Thus did they spoil them.
Now there were about six hundred thousand workers who traveled on foot from Ramsey County to the southern suburbs bordering Minneapolis. And that is not even counting women or children. And all types of people accompanied them, and countless animals.
And the reason they baked unleavened cakes from the dough that they brought is that they did not have time to prepare anything more elaborate.
Now here’s a fun fact: These workers, until this moment of their escape, had been working in that country for exactly four hundred and thirty years. And it was on the very day of their anniversary that all these Armies of the Volcano began their vacation. So, by the political genius of the wild man with the goat eyes, this event of mass exodus was orchestrated precisely.
And the wild man said to Moses and Bryan: “Do not forget my ordinances concerning the piñata ritual that I told you about, when I directed you to form wet clay from the earth into the likeness of a firstborn mandrake and fill it with greens. Just make sure that the herbs of the stuffing are all goat-friendly, which is to say: non-toxic. Only introduce new foods into a goat’s diet gradually.”
And the wild man continued, saying: “In the future, when you workers all beget offspring, your children will attend the piñata ritual and question you, saying: ‘Father, what is this all about? Why do we remove the head of the mandrake with a sword and then call our goats and tell them: “Eat the rich”?’ At this point, you shall answer your child like so: ‘Dear little one, this is a ceremony that we perform to help us remember the night when our friend, the volcano of potential, won us our freedom. Here is what happened. The Volcano personally walked on foot through the country where all of us workers served as the labor force; and he went from house to house with his sword held high, and he rendered headless each of the firstborn children of the rentiers and creditors who were oppressing us.’ And when your child then asks you, ‘But, father, why did the Volcano shed so much blood? Was diplomacy not an option?’ You shall answer by saying: ‘Ah, my bambino, the King of that country was very stubborn, and he would never listen to reason. For, lo, the Volcano had hardened his heart. Otherwise, there would have been no chance for the Volcano to display his mighty powers: because he can make swarms of flies infest a whole landscape; also frogs, lice, and locusts; and he can produce pestilences and plagues that sicken people and livestock; and he invented a type of aerosolized ash that induces acne in psychoanalysts; and, with a wave of his wand, he can transform the cleanest drinking-water into blood. Moreover, as his signature, any time he undertakes to brew coffee, he always leaves a dead fish in the percolator.’”
And it happened that, after the King released the workers from their servitude, when they finally left the country to attend the barbecue with their benefactor, the wild man did not lead them through Mexico, which would have been the more direct route, but instead he took them the long way, which meandered through harsh deserts, haunted forests, and rocky mountains. But it wasn’t because the wild man wanted to torment the people that he chose such a convoluted course – no, actually, he was trying to ease the people’s minds: for, at that time, there were brutal cartels and barbaric street-gangs infesting that part of the land, especially near the border – all armed and funded by the Empire’s intelligentsia – and they were involved in endless drug wars and power struggles; so the Volcano reasoned with Moses and Bryan thusly: “Let us conduct the people by a roundabout way to my home; lest peradventure they repent, after witnessing these atrocities, and make a beeline back to the Empire.” So that’s why the wild man with the goat eyes brought his people through the Red Ocean, even though this route doesn’t seem to make sense when you study it on a map.
And remember the patriarch Joseph, who made it big in Ancient Egypt? Well, Moses inherited old Joseph’s ornate sarcophagus – it was his most prized possession – and he hauled it right along with him when they went on their trek. That’s how much Moses loved this embalmed cadaver.
Now they journeyed southeast beyond Bloomington and camped in Eagan, on the edge of the wilderness. And the wild man with the rust-brown body traveled before them in his vortex, whose fiery perimeter served as a guide to the workers by night, and then in the daytime they followed the billowing smoke from its exhaust pipes.
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