(Cont.)
On the morrow, Balaam rose up and said to the angel of Balak’s dream vision: “Did you sleep well? Ah, that’s good. Yes, my response is ready – I’m afraid I’ll need you to return with a message of refusal: Tell Balak that the Volcano cannot permit me to use my powers for such a purpose at this time.”
So the angel rose up and breakfasted and then flew back to the King and said: “Balak, Balak! I was just with Balaam: we spoke; I delivered your prayer, yet he refused to comply.”
Therefore, Balak spent a heavy amount of karma to send out to the prophet Balaam, by way of dream, a pair of subtler angels, who were even more pleasant to the eyes.
These fresh angels arrived at the hut and said: “Balaam, Balaam! Be not afraid of our bodies. Thus saith Balak the son of Zipporah: Yet once more, I pray that you let nothing hinder you from coming to my aid. Remember that I am the King of this wild land, and I have the power to give you anything that you ask for, whether it be notoriety among the distinguished herdsmen of these parts (for you know that there are many strong voices crying at present herewithin), or simply more succubi: I wish to appease you on behalf of my people. Come, therefore, I prithee, and cast a spell to protect the innocent against these invaders.”
Then Balaam answered the attractive angels and said: “O my dears, I beg your pardon, but, even if the King would offer me several such concubines as yourselves, plus whole mansions filled with silver and with gold; yea, even if he could promise to place my prophecies next to those of Isaiah and Amos in the Eternal Scroll Collection, it would be of no avail, for the choice is not mine to make: I cannot alter the weirdness of the trajectory preëstablished by the Volcano. Therein is my dwelling-place: possibility. (What god, pray tell, can act beyond that?)”
The pair of angels stood in their splendor, looking nonplussed.
Then Balaam added: “Let us do as follows: Both of you tarry here tonight. I’ll consult with the volcano of potential, and see if he has anything more to say about this. Who knows what might happen; this world is full of surprises, and each new moment brims with unforeseen opportunity.”
§
Then the wild man came to Balaam again at night, and he stood in the hut, and the two of them whispered tensely with each other. (They were careful to avoid raising their voices, lest they awaken the sleeping angels.) Finally, the Volcano said to Balaam: “OK, here is how far I am willing to stretch. If the messengers, once they rise, ask you to accompany them, then go ahead and follow; but do not act on your own in this matter: only say what I myself tell you to say.”
So Balaam rose up in the morning, and, after breakfasting with the angels, they all saddled their beasts and set off in the direction of the sticks.
And the wild man, watching them from a discreet distance, narrowed his goat eyes and shook his head slowly: he was upset that the story was taking this shameful turn. For his heart had been set on reforming his workforce, and he still could not believe that events had reached this pass, with the rogue division’s behavior having grown so unruly that it triggered a fellow seer’s intervention.
§
Now there was a type of shrub-like tree that grew in the vicinity, which was a smaller version of a weeping willow, whose long, dense foliage, which was slightly dry in this season, resembled, in a superficial way, the wild man’s lengthy locks. So he went and stood, thus camouflaged, among these bushes, which lined the road that the angels were traveling. There he waited: up ahead, at the bend.
And when the two angels from the vision approached on their palfreys, he let them pass, and they saw him not. Then, when Balaam came following, Yahweh drew his glittering sword, and he posed like the Satan of the Church, boasting a threatening aspect.
And the ass that Balaam was riding noticed the flash of the sword reflecting among the shrubs. Then the beast found its gaze locked in the fanatical stare of the wild man’s goat eyes. Stunned by this, the ass stopped cold and would not move: so Balaam kicked at her sides and repeated: “Gyah! LIGHTSPEED, my little Asherah!”
But Yahweh stood in the way, at the place where the path is flanked by side rails of cacti.
So, instead of moving forward, the ass veered left, which caused Balaam’s foot to be pricked by a cactus. And he cried out “Ow!” and kicked the ass again.
Then Yahweh drew nearer and stood in a narrow place, from which there was no escape.
And when the ass perceived the hopelessness of their situation, she buckled her legs and collapsed beneath her rider: and Balaam, in startled frustration, spanked the ass with his wand.
Then Yahweh opened the mouth of the ass, and she spoke in plain English to Balaam: “What have I ever done to you, to justify your smiting me with your rod?”
And Balaam answered the ass: “I only resorted to using physical force because you keep mocking me, my dear Asherah!”
And the ass answered Balaam: “Am I not the same ass that you have ridden ever since you first found me, grazing the field on the side of Mount Pisgah? Was I ever known to displease you in any way? Did I not treat your every wish as my command?”
And Balaam said: “You are right; you have never acted like this before.” Then, after a moment of thought, he added: “There must be some evil wizard in the vicinity who has cast a spell of enchantment upon you. Yes, now I wish that I had brought along my glittering sword, for then I would cut off your head, to break the curse, so that you could appear before me in your true form, as a beautiful princess! Hmm, I wonder what magician made you metamorphose into a beast like this, and what the terms of your contract are.”
Then the large bush standing before him blinked its goat eyes, and Balaam suddenly grasped that it was his brother Yahweh, obstructing the path with his blade at the ready. Balaam quickly raised his hands and fell flat on his face.
And the wild man said to Balaam: “Why have you struck poor Asherah with your scepter? Look, I came out here to block your path as an adversary, because I feared that you would follow those angels back to the wilderness and then drag my army to court on account of its war crimes. And Asherah spied me here with my sword drawn, withstanding you: that’s why she halted and flinched aside and knelt down, even though you kept kicking her like a madman. If she had not acted so wisely, by now you certainly would have been sliced to pieces – there is no way that I would have been able to avoid breaking forth upon you – for this quandary has really got my goat.”
And Balaam rose to his knees and answered: “I’m sorry, I had no idea that this meant so much to you. Now that I think of it, you were indeed acting a bit more uptight than usual last night; but I never suspected that the situation was this sensitive. And I’m ashamed that I didn’t see you at first, on the pathway – it’s these shrubs, or whatever they are: you sort of blend in.”
A tense moment of silence followed this speech. Then Balaam added: “So, shall I return to my hut?”
And Yahweh answered: “No, you may go ahead with the angels. However, remember: only do what I tell you to do – you may not act on your own, in this matter. And don’t you dare even think about involving the international court.”
So Balaam got back on his ass and went to follow the angels of King Balak into the sticks.
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