Jacob goes to Egypt, reunites with son & meets king; Joseph enslaves the Egyptian populace

[The obligatory image is an unmanipulated detail from a junk ad.]

(Cont.)

Now rumors of Joseph’s reunion with his brothers reached the High Pharaoh’s palace; and this pleased Pharaoh well. And Pharaoh said unto his Vice Pharaoh Joseph: “Tell your brothers to lade their beasts and go fetch your father in Cambridge, and come to see us. I will give him the fat of the land. Offer your brethren wagons for their little ones and their wives: give them whatever they need, just make sure they bring your father here!”

Thus Joseph gave his brothers wagons, as Pharaoh permitted him to do; and he also gave each man a change of raiment; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred silver caesars and five changes of raiment.

And to his father Joseph sent ten asses laden with the good things of Egypt, and ten she-asses laden with corn and bread and meat.

So he sent his brothers away, saying unto them: “May you have safe travels.”

Then they left Egypt and came into Massachusetts, and they announced to Jacob their father, saying: “Joseph is alive! And he is King in the land of Egypt.” And Jacob’s heart fainted: he could not believe this news.

Then they told their father all the words of Joseph, which he had said unto them. And when Jacob saw the wagons, which Joseph had sent to carry him, his spirit revived. For wagons are the automobiles of the future.

Now Jacob exclaimed: “It is enough: you have proven this thing to me: My son Joseph is alive. I must go see him on my last day.”

§

Thus Jacob took his journey to Egypt. And on the way he came to Roman Fountain Seven, the Area 51 of the caravansary, near where he had had that nightmare about a stairway to heaven, with gods descending the escalier. So, at that place, he grilled meat for the God of his parents: Ishmael his father, and his mother Queen Emily.

Then, smelling the feast, the God of his parents roused himself and spoke to Jacob in a murky vision; and God said: “Jacob, Jacob.” And Jacob answered: “Here am I.”

And God said: “I am God. God of your father. God of your mother. Do not fear the trip down to Egypt: for there I will make of you a great nation. I will accompany you into Egypt; and I will also surely bring you back up again. And Joseph shall be the one to close your eyes, at the last.”

Now Jacob woke up and found himself by Fountain Seven, in Beth-Elohim. Then his sons carried their father onward in a wagon, which the High Pharaoh of Egypt had permitted Joseph to lend them.

Thus Jacob brought with him, into the city, all his possessions, which he had acquired during his sojourn in Massachusetts. He also brought all the employees of his household, and all his concubines, and all the seeds which had issued out of his loins.

Now the number of souls that followed Jacob into Egypt were six hundred threescore and six.

And Jacob sent the hornet of the LORD before him, to alert Joseph of his landing. So the hornet told Joseph to direct his face unto Goshen, the realm where Jacob landed. Thus Joseph hastened to Goshen, and he presented himself before him; and he fell on his neck, and wept upon him a good long while.

Then Jacob said unto his son Joseph: “Now let me die, since I have seen your face, because you are still alive.”

Then Joseph said unto his brethren, and unto his father’s house: “I will go up and tell Pharaoh that you have arrived. And I will inform him that you are all ranchers. Now, listen carefully – when Pharaoh shall call you, and say: ‘What is your occupation?’ just answer ‘Gauchos’ or ‘Buckaroos’; don’t say ‘Goatherds’ because keepers of goats are abhorrent to Egyptians: they only like sheep.”

§

Then Vice Pharaoh Joseph came and announced unto the Highest Pharoah: “My father and my brethren are come out of the land of Massachusetts; and, behold, they are in the land of Goshen now.” And Joseph had brought some of his brethren with him, even five men (Tema, Jetur, Dumah, Adbeel, and Naphish), and presented them unto Pharaoh.

And Pharaoh said unto his brethren: “What is your occupation?”

And their minds went blank; they forgot the advice that their brother Joseph had given them; thus they answered: “We are goatherds. Both we, and also our father.”

Then Pharaoh spake unto Joseph, saying: “Thy father and thy brethren are keepers of goats? I did not know this. For my part, I welcome your family, and this news does not change my respect for you, my son; however, the man who succeeds me in the office of Pharaoh might not be so accepting and lenient. Be sure to warn your future generation.”

Then Joseph brought in Jacob his father, and set him before Pharaoh. And Pharoah beheld Jacob; then he said unto him: “How old are you?”

And Jacob answered: “The years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty. Few and evil have the days of my life been: they have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the time of their era of pilgrimage.” And he spit.

Then Jacob went out from before Pharaoh.

And Joseph established his father and his brothers in the land. And he nourished them, and all their households.

And there was no bread at any place in the entire universe: bread had utterly vanished from the world. So everyone fainted.

But there was bread in Joseph’s warehouses.

Now Joseph gathered up all the money that had been earned in the land of Egypt, for all the corn which the people had bought, and all the other produce and foodstuffs: and Joseph transferred all these funds to Pharaoh’s palace.

Then money became extinct in the land, just like bread: it was nowhere to be found (except, of course, the heaps and piles in Pharaoh’s palace). So all the Egyptians came unto Joseph, and said: “Give us bread from your warehouses – do not charge a price for it; but simply give it to us, for free: for why should we die just because all the money is spent?”

And Joseph answered: “OK, give me your cattle, and I will offer you bread in return.”

So they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses. He fed the populace with bread, for that whole year, in return for all their livestock.

Then, when that year was ended, the people came unto him the second year, and said: “Now that all our money is spent, and all our livestock are gone, we have no possessions left beyond our bodies, and our lands. But you still have stores of bread – so why should we starve? Therefore, pay us bread, and Pharaoh shall own ourselves and our land: thus we will be servants unto Pharaoh, and he shall possess the entire earth.”

So Joseph bought all the land and all the people of Egypt. Then Joseph made an announcement, saying: “Behold, I have purchased you this day and your land for Pharaoh: lo, here is grain for you, to sow the land. Of anything you grow, keep nine parts for yourself, and give a tithe unto Pharaoh.”

And the people said: “You have saved our lives: we will happily enter serfdom. Let us work now as peasants, and rent from Pharaoh our own former lands.”

Thus Joseph made it the law, which even now stands, that Pharaoh should have a tithe of all the increase; only the priests being exempted. And the priests of Jacob’s descendants would carry this law forward, someday: when devising their own form of worship, with its own legislation; reworking and merging Aton with Yahweh.

So the people of Jacob dwelt in the land of Egypt; therein they acquired great wealth, and grew, and multiplied exceedingly.