(Cont.)
So Jacob ran away from the Antarctic islands. He went over into the wilderness, where the Midianites lived.
Now he came to a certain place, and he decided to stop there for the night, because the sun was set; and he sought out that area’s most comfortable looking stone, and leaned against it like a pillow, and lay down there to sleep.
Then his vision opened wide and became truer, and he perceived the surreality: and, behold, an escalator extended from the earth into heaven; and look: the gods were going up and down upon it.
And there was the Volcano himself, standing above him; and he said: “I am Yahweh Peor of Sarah your mother, and the intimate of Emily. I will make your seed as the sand of the beach, and you shall mix with all the multitudes of the nations: to the west, to the east, to the north, and to the south. Your seed shall enrich the entire globe. And, behold, I am with you, and will blaze a trail before you, and cause all events to unfold in your favor. I will lead you and your seed on many adventures, and then someday you will return to this place: and I will not leave you, until I have done everything that I have told you about.”
And then this true vision of surreality dissolved back into normal spacetime. And Jacob said: “Surely the volcano of potential haunts this area, and I knew it not.” And he was afraid, and said: “How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of gods, and a zone of transference into the otherworld.”
And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and repositioned the stone so that what he had used as a pillow became a pillar; and he anointed it, and he christened the place Beth-Elohim (Bethlehem), “the house of the gods.”
§
Then Jacob continued his journey. And he came to the Fountain of Rome. And a great black monolith was blocking the waterflow. This obstruction was metallic, flat and oblong. Now some goatherds were watching their flocks in the vicinity, and they all looked very thirsty.
And Jacob asked them: “Why is this black slab blocking this water-fountain?”
And the goatherds answered: “We know not. But the wild-landers claim that it fell from outer space.”
And Jacob said: “Ah, so you know some people who dwell in the wild lands?”
And they said: “We know and love the Midianites and the Moabites. And we are friendly with Hagar the Egyptian, who has gained much fame living among them.”
And Jacob cried out: “Hagar! O she is my foremother: I am Jacob. Hagar’s firstborn Ishmael is my sire. He married Emily, the daughter of Sarah.”
And the shepherds bowed and said: “We have heard rumors of Sarah.”
And Jacob answered: “Good things, I hope?”
And they said: “Only good. Though she was once Hagar’s rival, she is now reconciled to her heart. Behold, yonder comes one who is ever speaking of these matters, being an enthusiast of the Volcano.” And, as they spoke, the damsel Rachel approached with her mother’s little goats: “She is the daughter of Chokmah, the Midianitish woman who made Hagar a prophetess,” the goatherds continued. “Rachel, come and meet Jacob, the offspring of Sarah, son of Ishmael and Emily.”
Rachel and Jacob locked eyes and stood for all time gazing lovestruck.
At last, Jacob spoke: “Shall I fetch you something to drink from the Fountain of Rome? I will draw water for thy goatlings also.”
And Rachel said: “Lo, it cannot be done; for the water is blocked. No one has ever removed the interstellar monolith.”
Then it happened, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Chokmah and her goatlings so thirsty, that Jacob went near, and lifted the slab away from the fountain, and he filled her pitcher with the waters of life.
And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept. And he told her that she was the matching hemisphere to his own soul. And she ran and told her mother.
And it came to pass, when Rachel’s mother Chokmah heard the tidings of Jacob, son of Sarah and prince of Queen Emily, that she ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to her domicile. And he told Chokmah many things.
And Rachel’s mother Chokmah said to Jacob: “Surely you and we share the same spirit.” And Jacob abode with them for a month.
§
And Chokmah said unto Jacob: “Because we are kindred spirits, should we not meld? Which of my daughters was it that you fell for?”
For Chokmah had two daughters: the name of the lesser was named Pyrite, and the one whom Jacob loved was Rachel. Pyrite has glittery eyes and was modish; but Rachel was beautiful and well-favored.
So Jacob said: “Rachel and I are soul mates from everlasting.”
And Chokmah said: “Well then the two of you should be wed, so that earth can be more like heaven. Let the event take place one week from today.”
Thus Jacob waited a whole seven days for Rachel, which seemed more like seven years – it felt like ages were dragging their feet, for clocktime is not in synch with eternity. But his love for her buoyed him up and carried him through.
Then on the appointed day, Jacob said to Chokmah: “Give me my wife, for my time is fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.”
And Chokmah gathered together all the people of the place, and made a feast. And it came to pass in the evening, that she took Pyrite her daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.
And Chokmah gave unto her daughter Pyrite an additional concubine named Zilpah to offer her husband as a gift, to ease the dismay of the switcheroo.
Then Jacob woke up the next morning, and lo: it was Pyrite lying beside him. And they had obviously coupled. So he said to his bedmate: “What is this that has happened? Did I not wait a full seven years for Rachel?” And Pyrite then tried to soften the blow by pulling a string that caused the closet doors to open, which revealed Zilpah waiting therein, and she was unclothed.
Then Jacob sought out Chokmah and said to her: “I thought we were kindred spirits? Why have you beguiled me?”
And Chokmah said: “It must not be so done in our country. Here in the wild lands, we always save the dessert for last. Wait one more week, and we will give you Rachel also for your patience.”
Thus Jacob did so, and fulfilled yet one more slow-motion sennight. Then Chokmah gave him Rachel to wife also. And she tossed in another concubine, Bilhah, for good measure, and to alleviate any hard feelings.
And Jacob went in also unto Rachel, and he loved Rachel more than Pyrite; and he spent the whole next week with Rachel alone: the two of them did not even leave the bed.
But when the Volcano saw that Pyrite was hated, he opened her womb, while leaving Rachel childless. Thus, Pyrite conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Nebajoth, which means “There are some things money can’t buy; but, for everything else, there’s Nebajoth.” And she conceived again, and bare a son whom she named Kedar, which means “Yahoo, it’s child number two!” And she conceived again, and bare a son named Adbeel, which means “He woos, wows, and wins hearts.” Then she laughed and said: “Ha, ha, ha, I have brough forth three sons now, whereas my sister Rachel has brought forth nada, zilch, zero!” And Pyrite conceived again, and bare yet another son, and she called this last one Judas, which means “The only true friend of Jesus Christ.” Then Yahweh closed up her womb, and she left off bearing.
§
Now when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister Pyrite. And Rachel said unto Jacob: “Give me children, or else I die.”
And Jacob tried and tried, but no conception occurred; so he said unto Rachel: “I do not know why God has withheld the fruit of your womb, but I will keep trying; for our childlessness is likely my fault.” Then Rachel said: “No, not your fault: do not blame yourself. Keep trying. But also try with my maid Bilhah.”
So Jacob went in unto his concubine Bilhah, who was given to him in marriage along with Rachel, as a bonus mate; and Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son, and they called his name Tema, which means:
Deals that shine, right on time!
Prices that pop, make shopping a hop!
Bargains galore, straight thru our door!
Savings so sweet, they can’t be beat!
Then Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son, whom they called Jetur, which means “The King of Beers.”
At this point, Pyrite saw that babies were being born to her sister’s camp; so she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her to Jacob. And Zilpah Pyrite’s maid bare Jacob a son, and they called him Naphish, which means “When you care enough to send the very best.”
Then Zilpah bare Jacob a second son: Kedemah, which means “I would walk a mile with your mother-in-law’s camel for a cigarette.”
Now Nebajoth the firstborn of Pyrite went out and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother. Then Rachel said to Pyrite: “Give me, I pray you, of your son’s mandrakes.” And Pyrite said unto her: “Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband? Now would you take away my son’s mandrakes also?” And Rachel answered: “Let us draw up and sign a contract. If you will give me your son’s mandrakes, then I will allow my husband Jacob to lie with you tonight. Do we have a deal?”
And that evening, Jacob went out into the field; and he was strolling along, when suddenly Pyrite his wife came out and met him, and said: “You must come in unto me; for surely I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” And he lay with her that night.
Then God gave in to Pyrite, and she conceived yet again, and bare Jacob the fifth son, called Dumah, which means “a memorable, unique, catchy name will highlight a specific aspect of your child and evoke his character in the minds of passersby.”
And Pyrite conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son: and she called his name Mishma Massa Mibsam, which means “The Volcano is calling, encouraging people to seize the day, gather with friends, and explore the outdoors.”
And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her Dinah, which is short for “female dinosaur.”
At this point, God remembered Rachel, and he hearkened to all her recent prayers, and quickly went to open her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son: and she called his name Joseph, which means “Think outside the box, for this is innovation at its finest; so unlock your true potential, unleash the power within, reach for the stars, and taste the feeling.”
§
Then it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Chokmah: “My wives and concubines and I all love you, and our children love you too, but we would like to go live in our own house now, somewhere out on another part of the globe.”
And Chokmah said unto him: “O please tarry: for I have learned by experience that Yahweh keeps blessing me whenever you are around.”
And Jacob said: “I will stay, gladly, but some day I must leave; and when I do, I will need livestock. Will you give me livestock, if I stay with you just a little longer?”
And Chokmah said unto Jacob: “What do you have in mind?”
And Jacob explained: “How about this: I will pass through your flock today, and, as I go, I will remove all the speckled beasts from among your cattle, sheep, and goats. If any creatures have speckled coats, they shall be mine; but if their coats are plain, they shall remain with you. Then, when the time comes for my family to leave you at last, we shall take with us all the speckled livestock among the cattle, sheep, and goats. Any animal that we take with us which is not speckled but plain will be considered stolen, and, if it is discovered that we knowingly committed such a theft against you, then you can burn us all alive as a fitting punishment.”
And Chokmah said: “You have yourself a deal.” And they shook hands, to ensure that their verbal contract was legally binding.
However, immediately after they shook hands, Chokmah ran out into the field and removed all the goats and sheep and cattle that were speckled, and she had them shipped to one of her alternate farms offshore. But she left just two speckled animals for Jacob to inherit, so that he might have some way to begin building up his fortune; for it was not reasonable to leave him with absolutely no beasts: in that case, he would have had to emulate his own Creator and sculpt a new being from mud, and breathe life into it, which is very hard to do.
But Jacob also had a trick up his sleeve, to help him prosper. When he went out to the field and saw that there were only a couple speckled beasts remaining, he went back into the supply shed, and he fetched a dipstick and a can of paint. Then he went back into the field and he opened the can of paint, and he put the dipstick therein, and he drizzled paint over as many animals as he could reach, so that their coats became speckled instead of plain. And the volcano of potential furthered his plan, and increased his good luck, because when the goats and sheep and cattle who were not thusly speckled came together to produce more offspring, Jacob made sure to corral his speckled creatures in the direction of the gaze of these fornicating creatures, so that the speckled livestock paraded before the eyes of their plain-coated fellows who were rutting: and the science of biology declares that any creatures who are performing sexual intercourse will produce a child that resembles whatever its progenitors happen to be looking at when their egg and sperm first meet. Therefore, even though the speckled livestock were not naturally so, but rather had been made to look that way by Jacob’s dipstick, which drizzled glow-in-the-dark paint upon them, still the livestock that were generating new life happened to be ogling these speckled ones when their zygotes clicked together: and therefore they ended up birthing young that were not plain-coated as their parents but radiantly piebald, dappled, spotted, and flecked.
In this way, Jacob’s stature in life increased exceedingly, and he acquired much cattle, and maidservants, and harlots, and camels, and asses.
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