The Promised Seeds produce the 12 Patriarchs; twin rivals take the spotlight; famine strikes

(Cont.)

Then again Sarah took a wife, even Keturah her plenipotentiary. And together they bore a great many children, who ended up becoming the civilizations inhabiting the wilderness: the Midianites and Moabites, and so on; these were the people with whom Ishmael stayed after Abram mistakenly evicted him and his mother from their rightful heirship. And so that these women could perform this populating of the past, they traveled backwards in time, for a spell, with the help of Yahweh God.

And Sarah gave all her possessions unto Emily. But unto the offspring of her concubines and consorts and extra wives and girlfriends that she had, she gave sundry gifts, and sent them away with great fortunes to live eastward. And most of them moved to Eldorado.

And these are the days of the years of Sarah’s life which she lived: an hundred threescore and fifteen years. Then Sarah gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, a vibrant woman full of zest; and she was gathered to her people. And her daughter Emily buried her in a cave of the field near the Trinity Site in New Mexico: in that same place with Abram.

§

Then it came to pass after the death of Sarah, that the Volcano blessed her daughter Emily; and Emily dwelt with her husband Ishmael by the Fountain of Elroy, that place in the wilderness where Yahweh blessed Ishmael’s mother Hagar the Egyptian.

Now Emily and Ishmael were young and in love when they wed. And Emily intreated the Volcano for her husband, that he might not be infertile as the patriarch Abram had been: and the volcano of potential favored her prayer, for Emily conceived, and she bore decuplets, plus an extra pair of twins, all simultaneously. That’s ten plus two. Three kids are called triplets; four are quadruplets; five, quintuplets; six through eight are sextuplets, septuplets, octuplets; and nine are nonuplets. But, since such cases are so rare, there is no established convention or specific term for as many fetuses as Emily was gestating, therefore hers was referred to as “a twelve-baby pregnancy.” But I think we should coin the term: duodecimuplets.

And the children all struggled together within her, for it was crowded where they were, and resources proved scarce – the space for one’s fetus to thrive was limited; and Emily said: “If it be so, why am I thus?” And she went to enquire of the Volcano.

And Yahweh said unto her: “Twelve nations are in your womb, and all manner of people shall be separated from your bowels; ten will go into the world, and settle down, and live peaceably on the earth; and the remaining two shall be always bickering and feuding, and trying to best one another: and the one that you would not expect to be the winner will come out on top. For I always favor the underdog.”

Then, when Emily’s days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were duodecimuplets in her womb. Twelve mighty patriarchs. And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau. And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau’s heel: and his name was called Jacob.

The additional ten nations came out after that, and they were of many colors and had various hairstyles. Their names were as follows. Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Asher, and Gad.

And the boys grew: and the ten just-listed lads went into the world, and settled down, and lived peaceably on the earth. It was just as the Volcano had predicted.

But the firstborn and his heel-clutcher were another story. Let us focus on them:

The hairy one, Esau, was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; whereas the smooth and subtle Jacob was an intellectual with an artistic temperament, who preferred to dwell indoors. Fifty percent relative humidity and seventy-two degrees Fahrenheit were Jacob’s optimal air conditions; but Esau would just sit outside in his garage, no matter what the temperature was: sweltering hot or freezing cold; he would plant himself there in his lawn chair and stare forward blankly while breathing through his mouth.

Now all the elders of the neighborhood loved Esau (“How could you not?” they would say), but Ishmael and Emily preferred their son Jacob. (I have to interject: I think the reason the neighbors were so tolerant of Esau is that he shared his venison with them.)

Once upon a time, Jacob was cooking French Onion Beef Stew: and Esau came in from the field, and he was famished: and he said to Jacob: “Feed me some of that red stuff.”

And Jacob answered: “First sign this contract that makes me the family’s heir instead of you.”

Then Esau said: “Sure, I’ll sign anything; for I’m about to die from hunger, after chasing rabbits and turkeys through the woods all day. What profit shall I get from being the heir to the family’s fortune, anyway; if I can’t eat this instant, but must spend the next few moments preparing my own meal?”

And Jacob said: “Just sign right here, on this line.” Thus, Esau transferred his heirship to Jacob.

Then Jacob portioned out some French Onion Beef Stew with port wine and mushrooms for the perfect dinner. And Esau did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way, leaving the signed legal document there on the table.

§

Now there was a famine in the land. Not that same famine that happened in the days of Abram, which caused Abram to translocate unto Antarctica. But Emily and Ishmael did move to Antarctica during the present famine, for obvious reasons, and the King of that place was the same god Abimelech, the immaculate bastard son of Jerubbael (although, in later days, this realm would have a Czar by the name of Frosty the Abominable). And the inhabitants of Antarctica were all manmade Sea People.

For, when the famine began, the Volcano appeared unto Emily, and said: “Do not go down into Egypt, as Abram did originally, during the first famine; but instead dwell in the land that I shall tell you about, which is where Abram went during the second famine. Sojourn in this land, and I will protect you, and grant your family the best of luck. For I signed a contract with Abram, who is your father on paper, obliging me to cause his legal heirs to flourish. Now this place that I sent Abram to, which I’m now sending you to, too, is called Antarctica. It is a cold and snowy region, with icicles everywhere, and there are polar bears and igloos.”

So that’s why Emily took her family to Antarctica, and they dwelt there until the famine was over.

And the women of that place asked Emily about her husband Ishmael, who was wildly handsome, and whose hair was so long and thick. And Emily answered and said: “He is my brother.” Then the god Abimelech, King of Antarctica, looked out of his ice palace’s window when he heard Emily utter this remark, and she turned and looked at him, and she smiled and winked. That’s how he knew that she was just joking. For everyone immediately grasped that she and Ishmael were husband and wife, as they were very ardent lovers, who displayed their passion publicly and often. And they had completely different mothers.

So Ishmael sowed in that land, and he developed a plantation, where he produced many fruits. He had banana trees, and mango trees, and date palm trees. And he also made cranberry tarts. He ended up receiving in the same year an hundredfold return on his investment. For, although it’s not easy to propagate tropical trees in the polar desert, the Volcano was with him.

And Ishmael waxed prosperous, and went forward, and grew until he became very great: for he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and a large store of chocolates: and the Sea People envied him.

Then one day, Abimelech Elohim the King of Antarctica said unto Ishmael: “Go from us; for you are much mightier than we.”

So Emily and Ishmael departed thence, and pitched their tabernacle in the tundra, on the islands near the Antarctic Peninsula. And they dwelt there. And they went swimming every day, for they found hot springs in many places, where water would splash out, and it would mix with the surrounding ice-waters, making them pleasant.

So they dwelled in these Antarctic islands for many decades.

§

And Esau eventually found a wife among the Cornellians. He chose to intermarry with that university, because their sports team was known as the Big Red.