Attempting to mend a rift in the family

Chapter 14

Now Joab the Godfather, President David’s Top Thug, perceived that David’s heart was toward Absalom.

So Joab went to the School of Prophets on Whitney Drive in Apple Valley, near Bryan’s old apartment; and he found a wise woman who was working as a prophetess there, and Joab said unto her: “I would like to trick the president into inviting his self-banished son to come home. Will you help me? I will pay you handsomely.”

And the prophetess said: “Keep your money; we all hate finance here. But I will help you, because I enjoy doing this type of thing.”

So this wise woman devised a plan where she would pretend to be in mourning. Thus she designed new mourning apparel, which was tailored to show off her figure; for she was a voluptuous and attractive prophetess. She donned this raiment and scheduled a meeting with the president, whereat she said: “Mister President—”

And President David interjected: “Please, call me Dave.”

So the woman said: “Dave, I am a damsel in distress.”

And the president answered: “O tell me what is ailing you; for I will do anything to win your favor.”

Then the prophetess said to the president: “As you can see, I am in mourning,” and she smoothed her hands over her outfit; then she continued: “for I am a widow; but listen – it’s not only my husband Shaddai who is dead: I have two sons, named Christ and Satan (they’re my only family left in the world), and lo: they two strove together in the field, and nobody dared to part them, so Christ ended up smiting Satan, his brother, so that Satan died. Now, behold, the whole congregation of heaven rose up against me, and they said: ‘Deliver Christ to justice for slaying his brother, that we may administer capital punishment: Christ must die on the cross for this sin, as that is the law; and our God is a perfect God: he does not forgive without blood sacrifice; just ask Saint Paul the Apostle, who authored our tradition. So you see, Mister President, that these heavenly accusers, these sticklers for divine justice, so as to avenge the loss of Satan, desire to eliminate my Christ, who is the only heir I have left! This shall erase my husband Shaddai’s tetragrammaton and remainder from the world.”

[Ghostwriter’s note: a tetragrammaton is an unspeakable four-letter word signifying the hypostasis of an alien dignitary.]

Then the president said to the prophetess: “Wait just a moment while I draw up an executive order for you.”

And the wise woman said: “Don’t forget to restrain these blood avengers bent on punishment: Do not let them crucify my Christ. In the name of the Volcano, as God only acts and is in existing beings, do not forsake my son!”

And President David answered: “As Yahweh lives, not one hair of your son shall fall to the earth.”

Then, when he had finished drawing up the executive order, the president signed it, and he stood and came out from behind his desk to hand the document to the prophetess. And they played the rest of the scene very close together.

The wise woman now said: “Let me speak just one word more to you, Dave.” And her red lips were almost touching the president’s ear when she whispered this.

And he said: “Say on.”

Then she said: “You protected me against the evil judgment of my accusers; but why do you take the side of the accusers in the case of the caravan? For just as I would save the Lord by redeeming my Christ; so you, dear Dave, must welcome back your son Absalom. For we all must die: we are like water that is spilt upon the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. Therefore waste no more time: the volcano of potential will reward you, if you reverse the exile of Absalom.”

And after whispering all these words, the lips of the prophetess met the lips of the president, and she punctuated her speech with a long, deep kiss.

Then, once President David caught his breath, he said to the woman: “Did Joab put you up to this?”

And the wise woman smiled and said: “I won’t lie; Joab approached me with the proposal. But the rest was entirely my idea. I only follow the whim of my heart.” Then she kissed him again, and pushed him back upon the desk; and they began in haste to disrobe.

§

Later, President David said unto Joab: “OK, ‘Godfather,’ I have done this thing. Go, therefore, and bring my boy Absalom back home again.”

Joab smiled slightly and bowed, and he thanked the president; then he added: “I hope that you can forgive my tactic.”

David answered and said: “Forgive! By God’s hooks, Joab, you make me wish that all the rest of my sons were banished, so that I could suffer similar suasions.” And they both laughed heartily.

So Joab arose and went to the Land of the Giants, and conducted Absalom to Eldorado.

And President David instructed Joab in private, saying: “Bring my son Absalom to his own house; but let him not come into my presence, just yet.”

So Absalom returned straight to his own house, without seeing his father the president.

Now in all the caravansary, there was no man as beautiful as Absalom: from head to foot, he was a dreamboat: perfect from the day that he was created. And he had such thick, abundant hair that he was forced to trim it annually, lest it grow too heavy upon him.

Also, Absalom had four children, of which one was a daughter whom he named Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.

§

Now in addition to the three years that he spent in the Land of the Giants, after returning to the caravansary, Absalom dwelt another two full years in Eldorado; but during none of this time did he ever see his father, President David. Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, the Top Thug of David’s filibusters, to request that he set up a meeting for him with the president; but Joab did not answer Absalom: and when he tried to contact Joab a second time, he would not come. So, Absalom said to his household’s servants: “Look over there at our neighbor Joab’s property. See his barley field? Go set it on fire.” Then Absalom’s servants went and set the field on fire.

At this point, Joab the Godfather arose, and paid Absalom a visit at his house, and said unto him: “Why have you set my barley field on fire?”

And Absalom answered Joab, saying: “Behold, I tried to contact you, to request that you set up a meeting between me and the president, but you kept ignoring me. How else was I to get your attention? But now that I have it, tell me: Why did I come back from the Kingdom of the Big People? It would have been better for me to remain there, because here I’m a pariah: my father the president will not even talk to me. I don’t understand the problem – I thought I was forgiven, since he wanted me to return: if there remains any iniquity in me, then let him kill me.”

So Joab the Godfather met with President David, and relayed this message. Then the president summoned Absalom, and he came to his father, and bowed himself on his face to the ground: and the president kissed Absalom.