Chapters 13–14
Meanwhile, Solomon’s son Rehoboam was the Lime-Green Prez of the southern 15% of the caravan’s populace. He was forty-one years old when he took office, and his term lasted seventeen years in Solomon’s gated district of Eldorado. And there were sodomites in the land.
And in the fifth year of Rehoboam the Lime-Green Prez, his gated community was sacked by the king of Egypt. (This was the same Pharaoh who sheltered Jeroboam the ROY-BIV 85% Prez from Solomon’s assassination attempts.) And the King of Egypt stole the treasures from Solomon’s Perma-Tent, and the treasures from Solomon’s own personal palace, where Rehoboam now resided. And after all the gold luxuries had been taken, President Rehoboam replaced them with bronze approximations.
As for the rest of the savvy moves of President Rehoboam, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?
Then Rehoboam died, and was buried in Eldorado. And his son Candied Yam Man governed in his stead.
Chapter 15
Jeroboam had been president of the northern 85 percent of the caravan for eighteen years, when David’s great-grandson Candied Yam Man became president of the southern 15 percent.
President Candied Yam Man governed for three full years in Eldorado. And he warred against his rival President Jeroboam, all his life, just like his father.
Then Candied Yam Man died, and they buried him in Eldorado. And Candied Yam Man 2 became the next southern President. (This was in the twentieth year of northern President Jeroboam.)
The term of Candied Yam Man 2 lasted forty-one years.
§
Now after Jeroboam served his term as the ROY-BIV northern 85 Prez, his son Natas got elected as his successor; that name means “Friend, opposite of adversary: the reverse spelling of Satan.” Natas was president for two years.
Then a parvenu named Baa-Baa the Sheep conspired against Natas; and Baa-Baa smote Natas when he was at the Sea People’s annual Guppy Dance. This happened in the third year of Southern President Candied Yam Man 2.
So Baa-Baa the Sheep became the ROY-BIV president; and he assassinated the entire family of Natas his predecessor, and Baa-Baa murdered every relative of President Jeroboam the father of Natas. For Baa-Baa the Sheep claimed to be a close friend of God.
Now the rest of the acts of Natas, and all that he did, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents?
And the southern 15% hated the northern 85% of the caravan. So there was constant war between Candied Yam Man 2 and Baa-Baa the Sheep: they fought for the entire duration of their respective presidencies.
Baa-Baa the northern 85% ROY-BIV Prez built what he called a “Yam Dam” in Rosemount, to keep out all supporters of Candied Yam Man 2.
Then Candied Yam Man 2, the southern 15% Lime-Green Prez, took all the treasures from both houses that Solomon built, the God House as well as his Personal Palace, and he delivered all these riches as a bribe to the king of Syria, whose name was Thunder Son, saying: “Dearest Thunder Son, here are all the precious gemstones and silver and gold of my country; let us make a pact, you and me; and I wish you to break any league that you made with my rival President Baa-Baa the Sheep. Do we have a deal?” And Thunder Son accepted this bribe, thus agreeing to be friends with Candied Yam Man 2. So, at the latter’s behest, Thunder Son sent his Syrian shock-troops into the main zones at the north of the caravan. When news of this reached the northern President Baa-Baa the Sheep, he left off building his Yam Dam and moved to Tasmania.
Thenceforth the southern President Candied Yam Man 2 and all his supporters were free to travel in and out of Rosemount.
The rest of all the acts of Candied Yam Man 2, and all his might, and all that he did, and the cities which he built, are rumored to be written in that famous lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents.
However, in the time of his old age, Candied Yam Man 2 suffered from a foot disease.
Finally, Candied Yam Man 2 gave up the ghost, and he was buried with his father Candied Yam Man in the heart of Eldorado. And his son, Fat Jehovah, was elected southern president in his stead.
Chapter 16
Now if you’re curious to know the rest of the acts of President Baa-Baa the Sheep, all you need to do is go find that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s ROY-BIV Presidents. It’s all in there.
So Baa-Baa slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tasmania. And his son, Unbeatable Deity, was elected to succeed him as president.
Unbeatable Deity governed from Tasmania for a double twelvemonth. His term began in the twenty-sixth year of Candied Yam Man 2, the president of the south.
Now this Unbeatable Deity had a pet angel named Azazel, whom he compelled to be his cupbearer. One day, when Unbeatable Deity was drinking himself drunk in the Tasmanian Meat House, his angel Azazel came and smote him and killed him; then stole the presidency. This occurred in the twenty-seventh year of Candied Yam Man 2.
And it came to pass, when President Azazel began to govern, that the first item on his agenda, which he immediately accomplished, was slaughtering the whole house of Baa-Baa the Sheep: he assassinated all his family and friends. As the King James Bible says: “He left him not one that pisseth against a wall.” [1 Kgs 16:11] Thus did Azazel destroy the entire lineage of Baa-Baa, including his only begotten son the Unbeatable Deity.
§
President Azazel served a short term: just seven days. The end of his rule had roots in that same Guppy Gala where Baa-Baa smote Natas. For the Sea People were known to throw lengthy dance-a-thons, and the one in question lasted a quarter of a century. Here is what happened: While the wayfarers were capering with the mer-persons, a newsflash bubbled out of the underwater loudspeaker, announcing as follows: “Unbeatable Deity’s pet angel Azazel has assassinated the president and commandeered the caravansary.” Then, before the populace had a chance to react to this scandal, the buzzer buzzed, indicating the end of the dance-off, and the winner was determined by a panel of judges, which awarded the trophy to a wetsuited wayfarer named O-ring (short for Onion-ring). Wherefore all the caravan’s voters decided spontaneously to elect this O-ring as their True North Prez.
So, still in his wetsuit, President O-ring left the Sea People’s Annual Dance-A-Thon, holding his trophy high, and all the wayfarers of the caravan followed him, and they went as one, flipper-walking over to Azazel’s headquarters in Tasmania, and besieged the usurper.
And it came to pass, when the now-masterless angel Azazel saw his state surrounded, that he dashed in through the pet door of the presidential residence, which the Unbeatable Deity had erected there, and he burnt the whole house over him with fire, and died howling.
§
Now the northern and southern parts of the caravan had been divided since the beginning, from all the way back in the David-versus-Saul days. But now the northern 85% of the populace was divided additionally into factions supporting either of two ROY-BIV Prezzez: one was O-ring, whom we have already met and learned to love because he was such a good underwater dancer; and the other rival northern candidate for president was a Straw-Stuffed Scarecrow on a Cross. And the ROY-BIV populace was split between these two choices straight down the middle: half followed O-ring; half followed the Scarecrow.
But the people that followed O-ring prevailed against the people that followed the Scarecrow, who was stuffed with straw and hanging crucified. So the Scarecrow died, and O-ring reigned.
§
President O-ring began to govern the north in the thirty-first year of the southern presidency of Candied Yam Man 2. And O-ring was president for a term of twelve years; six of which were spent in Tasmania.
One notable accomplishment of President O-ring is that he bought a hill in Persia for two silver caesar coins.
Then O-ring passed away; and he was buried in his hill. After which, his son Ahab burst out of Persia and was elected captain.
It was in the thirty-eighth year of Candied Yam Man 2’s southern presidency when northern President O-ring’s son Ahab earned the captaincy of the caravan: and Ahab commanded authority for twenty-two years, during which time he oversaw the navigation and enforced all laws and regulations amid the wayfarers.
And Captain Ahab took to wife Jezebel the Zidonian. And they served the LORD (Baal) Yahweh the Volcano of Peor, for they were Persian Fire-Worshippers. They feasted to the Volcano with steaks on the grill, in the House of the LORD that they had built in Persia. Ahab also made a grove or sacred post, known as an Asherah pole, in the high place there.
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