The Book of Jonah

Chapter 1

Yahweh God came and visited Jonah in person, at his house. He instructed Jonah, saying: “I have a mission for you. Go to New York, and warn it of its coming judgment: for that great city is so corrupt that, if its people keep acting as they have been, I will not be able to stop myself from breaking forth upon them.”

But Jonah desired the destruction of New York; he hoped that New York should be nuked with fireballs from heaven, like Sodom and Gomorrah; thus he reasoned that, if he were to deliver Yahweh’s warning, and the New Yorkers changed their ways and cleaned up their corruption, then God would be merciful and cancel their city’s doom. So, in defiance of Yahweh’s instructions to warn New York, Jonah dashed out of the door, away from the presence of God, and instead of going to New York, he fled in the opposite direction, down to Florida, where he then bought a ticket to Bermuda. His plan was to watch the destruction of New York from there.

But, as Jonah was at sea, heading to Bermuda, Yahweh sent out a mighty wind, and there was a great tempest that nearly broke the ship. This terrified the mariners, and every passenger aboard cried unto his deity, and they cast overboard their belongings, to lighten the boat. But Jonah was down in his stateroom, fast asleep.

So the shipmaster came to Jonah, and said: “How can you be sleeping at a time like this!? Rise up and beg your deity for help, in case he might save us. Otherwise, we will all surely perish in this storm.”

Now the passengers of the vessel gathered and said: “Come, let us draw straws, so that we can know which one of our gods has caused this evil.” So they all drew straws, and Jonah drew the short straw.

Then they said to him: “Tell us why this evil is upon us. Who are you, and where do you come from?”

Jonah said to them: “I am a wayfarer from the caravansary in Eldorado; I follow the Volcano.”

And the passengers answered: “Everyone follows the volcano of potential. Which god, specifically?”

Then Jonah said: “Yahweh Peor. But, right now, I am on the run from him, as I believe that he is out of alignment with the true potential. That is why I was not supplicating with the rest of you. I was meditating in my stateroom.”

Then the ship’s passengers were exceedingly afraid, and they said unto Jonah: “But Yahweh is the deity of heaven, and he also made the sea and the dry land: How can you flee him? Why would you even try? Is he not the personification of the Volcano? How can there be a truer potential than your LORD?”

Just then a thunderbolt sounded, and Jonah answered the passengers, saying: “It would take too long to explain. I know the man personally.”

Then they said to him: “What shall we do with you, to calm the sea? For it is unfair of you to sacrifice us to your rebellion.”

Jonah said: “Well, life is not fair. Moreover, what sacrifice is ever permitted agency? Every prophet says: ‘Take away this cup from me,’ but I have not yet once ever seen the cup removed. The mercy is always toward the culprits and for the corrupt; but the innocent are never granted salvation from the slaughter. No good deed goes unpunished.”

The passengers stared at Jonah, while the sea raged and was tempestuous.

Then Jonah said to them: “Lift me up, and cast me overboard; that will quiet the storm. I apologize for ruining your cruise.”

Nevertheless, the ship’s crewmembers tried with all their might to navigate the ship to shore, because they recoiled from the idea of tossing a passenger out. But the sea became even more violently turbulent. Wherefore they cried unto Yahweh, and said: “We beseech you, O Lord Yahweh, we beseech you, blame us not for the taking of this man’s life; and hold us not responsible for his fate; because you yourself, O Yahweh, have compelled us to do this.”

Then they lifted up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea. And the sea stopped raging.

Then the ship’s passengers feared Jonah’s God exceedingly, and they offered a sacrifice unto Yahweh, and made vows.

Now God had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Chapter 2

Then Jonah meditated unto the volcano of potential, from within the fish’s belly, saying as follows:

I complained unto the Volcano about my pain and suffering, and he heard me. Out of the belly of Sheol, I cried, and you heard my voice.

For you had tossed me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all your billows and all your waves passed over me.

Then I said: “I am cast out of your sight; yet I will continue to follow the light at the end of this tunnel.”

The waters encompassed me, even to my soul: the depths enclosed me, the weeds were wrapped about my head. I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the bars of the earth closed upon me forever.

But you have brought up my life from corruption, O volcano of potential. When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Volcano: and my meditation awakened you in your temple.

Then God spoke unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

Chapter 3

Jonah arose reeking of seafood, and found that he was on Ellis Island in New York. The God Yahweh himself was standing there before Jonah, and he said: “I told you to warn this city of its coming judgment. You went the wrong way, so I came and fetched you.”

Thus, Jonah shuffled forth into the heart of New York. This took him three days. When he had gone the first day’s journey into the city, he stopped and cried out “The end is near! Yet forty days, and New York shall be overthrown.”

So the people of New York believed this warning, and proclaimed a day of social transformation: and everybody changed their ways. For the news of Jonah’s message reached the king of New York, and he arose from his throne, and set his royal robe aside, and changed into his mourning outfit, and addressed the state earnestly over the television, saying: “Let all the citizens of this city turn from their evil, and from the violence that is in their hands. For who can tell what might happen? Maybe God will look on us and repent, and turn away from his fierce anger, so that we do not perish.”

And Yahweh saw their works, that they cleaned up their corruption; and God repented of the evil that he had planned for them; and he canceled their doom.

Chapter 4

Now this displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry. And he meditated unto the Volcano, and said: “You see, O volcano of potential? Was not this exactly what I predicted would occur! Back at my house, when you first tried to strap me with this mission, I knew that it would end this way; that’s why I tried to flee to Bermuda: for I knew that you are a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and you are known to repent of your evil. Therefore, O Volcano, I beseech you to take my life: it is better for me to die than to live.”

Then Yahweh came up again to Jonah, and said: “Are you really that mad?”

Now Jonah arose and left the city, and found a spot on the coast: there he made a booth, and sat under it in the shade, and watched the city, to see what would become of it.

And the Lord Yahweh came and prepared a gourd, and caused it to grow up over Jonah, so that it might be a pleasant shade above his head, to ease his grief. So, Jonah was extremely pleased with this gourd.

But then God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and this worm assaulted the gourd so that it withered.

And it came to pass, at sunrise, that Yahweh created a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, so that he fainted; then he yearned for death, saying: “I would rather perish than survive.”

And Yahweh God said to Jonah: “Are you really that mad about the gourd?”

And Jonah said: “Yes, I am so angry, I could die.”

Then Yahweh said: “You had great love for the gourd, which you neither labored to produce nor caused to grow. The plant sprang up in a night, and it perished in a night. Now, should I not spare New York, that great city, wherein are more than eight million people who cannot tell their right hand from their left; and also many house-pets?”