Two Tales of Daniel: Wall Writing, & Lions’ Den

1

Baal Shazam, the Zar of Funland, threw a giant feast. He invited a thousand of his lords, and they all drank wine.

So they were all drinking at the feast. Then suddenly there appeared a human hand floating in the air: it was not attached to any body! Now the finger of this hand began to trace letters on the wall, right there for all to see, in the Zar’s banqueting hall: and what the hand wrote was a cryptic message.

When Baal Shazam read what was written, his countenance changed, and his thoughts troubled him; the joints of his loins were loosed, and he started to tremble.

The Zar cried aloud to summon his astrologers, his soothsayers, and all his personal fitness trainers. And Baal Shazam spoke to these wise men of Funland, saying as follows. “If any of you can understand this message, which the disembodied hand just inscribed on the plaster wall here during our banquet, please tell me what the words mean. Whoever gives the correct interpretation shall be rewarded with a scarlet suit and a chain of gold.

Then all the wise men went over to the wall and looked at the message, but none of them could figure out what to make of it.

Then Baal Shazam the Zar was greatly troubled, and his countenance fell, and his lords were astonished.

Now the Zarina She-Wolf, consort of Baal Shazam, leapt up on the table with a shout, and when the hall fell silent, she spoke as follows:

“Let me remind my husband the Zar about his new Vice Pharaoh Daniel, whom we hired away from Wonderland, since he was so highly recommended. This man Daniel is a Seer, and a certified master of night visions and dreams. He is infested with the spirit of the holy gods, and he possesses light and understanding and wisdom. Daniel’s eyes are open: he is of the elohims, knowing good and evil. I can bear witness myself, the man does magic and soothsaying, astrology and fitness training as well as any of your professionals. He also has an excellent attitude. Vice Pharoah Daniel can solve puzzles, criticize poems, and decipher the trick of riddles. He is conversant with the lore of mythology and all sorts of ancient arcana. The president of Wonderland says that Daniel has helped him unveil an untold number of secrets, for he can make sense of strange religious revelations and apocalyptic prophecy. Therefore, I suggest that you summon our new Vice Pharaoh Daniel unto the feast, to view the writing on the wall. Perhaps he can help.”

Then Daniel was brought before the Zar; and Baal Shazam said to the Seer: “Are you Daniel? Welcome; thank you for coming. Zarina She-Wolf here has put in a good word for you: I hope that you are able to live up to your legend, for we are in a quandary. You see, a supernatural hand appeared out of nowhere and wrote some words on the plaster, here in the banqueting hall, and none of the wise men of my intelligentsia can tell me the meaning. Now I’ve been informed that you have illuminated nightmares for President Ozymandias in Wonderland. Will you please look at the inscription on the wall and make known its interpretation? It is a very dark saying. If you can succeed, I will give you the reward that I have offered: a scarlet suit with a chain of gold.”

Then Daniel answered and said to the Zar: “Keep your gifts, or offer them to charity; for I have everything that I need. But I will read the oracle, gladly, and make known its interpretation.”

Then Daniel walked over to the plaster wall where the obscure message was written. And after looking at it for a moment, he turned and announced:

“Zar Baal Shazam, your neighboring nation’s President Ozymandias recently went insane. I don’t know if you heard, but he fell from being the most feared leader, who would put his citizens to death for any reason whatsoever: at the peak of his pride, he was brought low to the earth; the volcano of potential deposed him from his presidency, and took his glory from him. Ozymandias was driven away from humankind, and his heart was made monstrous: he dwelled with the wild asses; he ate grass like oxen, and his body was all moist with the dew because he lived outdoors in the wild. This was his state for seven seasons, at the end of which time, he came to his senses again, because he finally grew humble enough to admit that Yahweh Peor is the highest god: he is the Volcano.

“Now you, O Zar Baal Shazam, have likewise become puffed up with arrogance, and you rule Funland with a hard heart and an iron fist. It is because you have oppressed your people, and prioritized power and wealth over your populace, that the hand from heaven floated forth and put that writing on your wall. Now this is the message: ASA NISI MASA. And here is the only correct interpretation:

“The code is simpler than Pig Latin; those terminal syllables (-SA, -SI, -SA) are just a junk addition to each of the initial syllables, which form the word that provides the clue to the prophecy: A-NI-MA = anima: the spirit or soul, the feminine center of everything masculine, the irrational mind.

“The implication is that this inward zest has been sucked away from Funland; the gusto that animates your domain, which is any culture’s life-breath, has been stifled, because you, O Zar Baal Shazam, have misruled your country.

“If you continue down this path, then the Volcano will transfer its reins to the Zarina, for he fancies your She-Wolf. But if you turn from your oppressive ways, and soften your heart, then the volcano of potential will forgive you, and he will reinstate your zarship.”

Baal Shazam the Zar was shocked: “How did you know all this?” he asked.

And Daniel answered: “The phrase was featured in a scene of Federico Fellini’s film 8½, which is one of my favorite movies.”

Then Baal Shazam commanded his staffers to clothe Daniel in the scarlet suit, and put the chain of gold about his neck. This was done during an elaborate ceremony, where the Zar made an announcement stating that he would henceforward officially turn his back on the Creditor Class and thus abandon his oppressive ways.

That very night, the Zar Baal Shazam was assassinated.

Then the select committee of creditors who were responsible for this plot twist appointed Saint Augustine of Hippo to be the new Zar of Funland.

2

Saint Augustine set over the country one hundred and twenty priests, which should govern all the land. These priests were answerable to Augustine, who was their bishop; but he also set his Vice Pharaoh Daniel over them, and told the priests to give accounts unto him, so that the saint could spend more time in prayer.

Now these priests sought to find fault with this Vice Pharaoh Daniel, since he was the only roadblock between their benefactors and the zardom. (Their benefactors being the Creditor Class, which is always intimately connected to any priesthood.) But they could find nothing erroneous, untoward, or immoral about the conduct of Daniel: everything he did was upstanding and righteous.

Then the priests said among themselves: “We are not going to find anything incriminating about this Vice Pharaoh Daniel under the existing Code of Law: we need to invent some new legislation.”

Then these priests assembled before Saint Augustine the Zar, and said as follows: “Your Excellency, we of God’s priesthood have consulted together to establish a divine statute, and to make a firm decree, that anyone caught enjoying the act of love shall be thrown into the lions’ den.”

Now Saint Augustine the Zar of Funland approved this new law without hesitation, because he was firmly against concupiscence in all its forms, and his conviction was that even marital mating is sinful if enjoyed. (Sexual congress is a necessary evil which should be undertaken only for the sake of procreation: that was the bishop’s view.)

Now the ulterior reason that the priests desired to outlaw the enjoyment of recreational coitus was as follows. They knew that the recently slain Baal Shazam’s widow, She-Wolf the Zarina, was in the habit of visiting the Vice Pharaoh Daniel at his abode, three times per day.

So a group of these priests assembled at an opportune hour, and they burst into the house; and it was just as they expected: For there they discovered Daniel with the Zarina making sweet moan while supplicating the God of Love.

Then the priests apprehended the offending couple and brought them before Saint Augustine the Zar, and they said: “Your Excellency, did you not recently sign a decree stating that anyone caught enjoying conjugal duties shall be cast into the lions’ den?”

And the Zar answered and said: “What you say is true, according to the law of Funland, which cannot be altered.”

Then the priests thrust forward Daniel and the Zarina; and they said to their Bishop Augustine: “Here is a pair that regards not Your Excellency nor the decree that you have signed, for they break your new law three times every day.”

Then Saint Augustine, when he heard these words, was displeased with himself, and set his heart to deliver Daniel, for he knew, from his reading of the scriptures, that this man was highly esteemed of the Triune God. Nevertheless, he could find no way to circumvent the Almighty’s justice: for he had never considered the possibility of simple forgiveness.

So, Saint Augustine the Archon of Funland announced: “All debts must be paid,” and then his officers threw Daniel and the Zarina into the lions’ den. Then the Saint said to the Seer: “I wish that you had converted and put your faith in the blood of Christ, for he might protect you; but I doubt that your Volcano-god can do it.”

Now a great stone was laid on the mouth of the den; and Bishop Augustine sealed it with his own ring. Then he went back to the palace, and skipped the evening meal, for he had no appetite; also, he could not sleep at all that night.

§

Then Saint Augustine arose very early the next morning, and went in haste unto the den of lions. And when he arrived, he wailed in a lamentable voice, fearing to find Daniel devoured; then the bishop shouted into the darkness of the den: “O Daniel, seer of the volcano of potential, was your god able to save you from the jaws of these wild beasts? If you are still alive, please answer me!”

Then Daniel said to the bishop: “Good morning, Your Excellency. Yes, we remain unconsumed; for the Volcano has caused these lions to be worshipers of Zarina She-Wolf my paramour. The beasts did not hurt us: they all spent the night in awestruck admiration.”

Then Augustine was exceeding glad, and commanded that they should release the Seer and Zarina from the den; so they were allowed to walk free. And not a scratch was found on the couple, beyond what was the usual result of their thrice-daily dalliances.

Then the Zar commanded that those priests, who were Daniel’s accusers, be thrown in the lions’ den, along with all their wives and children. Then the lions had the mastery of them: the beasts broke all their bones before they could even finish screaming.