The Acts of the Apostles

[The sections below correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 1 = 1–3; 2 = 4; 3 = 5–28.]

1

After Jesus was assassinated, his multitudes of followers knew not what to do. Most of them gave up on religion and politics: they returned to their lives under the Empire’s oppression and eventually died. But some of the followers of Jesus remained in contact with each other and attempted to continue as a group. To complicate matters, the creditors who had killed Jesus also never stopped bankrolling their groups of infiltrators, whom they hired to hijack, disrupt, and neutralize what remained of the Jesus movement. So, to this day, nobody knows how much of the history of the followers of Jesus should be attributed to his supporters, and how much is the result of the influence of his enemies.

In any case, after the death of Jesus, the remnant of his followers took to baptizing people à la John the Dipper. They also shared meals together daily in the temple. As for possessions, they held everything in common: they sold all their belongings, and distributed the proceeds among the group according to each member’s needs.

2

None of the members of the followers of Jesus lacked anything, because all those among them who owned lands or houses sold them, and pooled into the group the prices of the things that were sold.

3

But a certain married couple, Ananias and Sapphira, sold some land and kept for themselves a fraction of the proceeds; thus, they only gave part of the total price unto the group.

So the group’s papa, or pope, whose name was Peter, spoke to the husband of the dishonest couple, and said: “Dear Ananias, why have you lied to the rest of us, and failed to relinquish the full price of your land?”

And upon hearing these words, Ananias fell down dead.

Then some of the group’s members arose and wrapped a shroud around the corpse of Ananias, and carried him outside and buried him.

Three hours later, Sapphira the wife of Ananias returned to the temple. She knew nothing of the death of her husband, because none of the group’s members had told her. When she entered and greeted the group, Pope Peter said:

“O dear Sapphira, we know what you did, how you held back from the group a part of the proceeds from your land sale. We just buried your husband; now it’s your time to go.”

Then Sapphira fell down dead, on the spot. And the group buried her by her husband.

§

Now some of the spies from the creditors rose up and arrested the group’s leaders, and they accused them of murdering Ananias and Sapphira; then they put them in prison.

But counterspies from other creditors came by night and opened the prison doors, and let them out.

So, from this point forward, it was creditor versus creditor, battling for the soul of the Jesus group. And eventually God would also bless America.