Chapter 1
Twas the twelfth year of the mayoral term of Nebuchadnezzar, who reigned in New York, that great city. His opponent was Iowa.
Now Iowa had built a big wall around itself, to shield itself from Nebuchadnezzar the Archon of New York City. For Nebuchadnezzar of New York was at war with Iowa.
Now Nebuchadnezzar asked all the surrounding nations to help him fight against Iowa. He asked the people who lived in the wilderness, and also the wayfarers of the caravan, among many others. But nobody would join his war. So he was angry. Therefore Nebuchadnezzar the Archon of New York City attacked Iowa all by himself, and he overthrew Iowa, and became the new Lord of Iowa. And he turned everything beautiful about Iowa into slime. Then Nebuchadnezzar came back to his home in New York.
Chapter 2
In the eighteenth year of the mayoral term of Nebuchadnezzar, he decided to avenge himself on all the earth. All flesh. The entire globe.
So he went and overthrew many places, including the people who were dwelling in the wilderness, and the wayfarers of the caravan.
Chapter 3
So the places that were overthrown by Nebuchadnezzar sent ambassadors to him, begging for peace, saying: “Behold, we understand that you have overthrown us; therefore use us however you like. Only let us return to living peaceably.” And to welcome their conqueror Nebuchadnezzar of New York City, all the vanquished nations came out with garlands, with dances, and with timbrels.
And Nebuchadnezzar watched the entertainment that the vanquished nations performed for him. Then he said: “You have done well to worship me. Henceforth you must call me GOD.”
Chapter 4
Now the wayfarers of the caravan were accustomed to worshipping the volcano of potential, so they sent out a prayer to the Volcano, asking permission to refer to Nebuchadnezzar the Archon of New York City as GOD.
Chapter 5
And when Nebuchadnezzar was told that the caravan was waiting for a reply from the Volcano before they could officially accept Nebuchadnezzar as GOD, Nebuchadnezzar was furious. He desired immediate obedience. But the obstinacy of the caravan’s people puzzled him, so Nebuchadnezzar asked his research committee to tell him the backstory of these wayfarers. And the research committee gave Nebuchadnezzar the following report:
“The wayfarers of the caravan descended from a place called X, which is in Chaldea. They sojourned heretofore in Mesopotamia, in the northern part of the Fertile Crescent, after abandoning the oppressive economic system of Chaldea. For they worshipped an entity who was anti-creditor: Mammon’s adversary, the Volcano, whose power comes not from manmade debt-relationships but from the raw energy of potential that is pent within every thing that lives. Anyway, that’s why they fled into Mesopotamia, and sojourned there for a while. Then the Volcano commanded them to depart from that place, and to go into the land of Canaan, otherwise known as Cambridge, Massachusetts, home of the Harvardites. They dwelt there for some time, and were increased with gold and silver, and with very much cattle. However, when famine came to the land, they went down into Egypt: there they received nourishment, and became a great multitude, so that one could not number their nation. Then, reacting to their proliferation and strength, the Pharaoh of the Egyptian Empire played a dirty trick upon those immigrant wayfarers, and he brought the whole caravansary low, forcing them to do hard labor with bricks, and he made them into slaves. At that point, they cried out in despair, and sent prayers into the atmosphere, asking if any god still cared for them: and the volcano of potential received these signals of distress, and he appeared to them as Yahweh Peor, the Midianitish deity, and he smote the Empire with incurable plagues. Then he led the entire workforce of Egypt out of the country, and he took them straight through the middle of the Red Ocean (he pushed the water aside before they passed through, so that they did not get wet) and brought them to Mount Sinai, where they celebrated their first weekend together; also they stopped at Kadesh Barnea, also known as Fallout Rock or Lynch Peak. They wandered around the wilderness for a while. Then they met the Infraboreans and destroyed them, and passing over the Great Basin shrub-steppe (which is now a jungle) they possessed all the hill country. And they mixed and mingled with the Harvardites, the Princetonians, the Cornellians, the Yalies, and the Columbians, and all the Brunonians, and they dwelt in that country many days. Then eventually the northern caravan was taken captive by Funland, and the southern caravan was later defeated and dragged into Wonderland by their President Ozymandias. But now a portion of the wayfarers have returned to Eldorado, where they remain. So that is who the people of the caravan are; and that is why they put so much trust in their Volcano: because he rescued them from Egypt.”
Now when the research committee had finished delivering the above history of the wayfarers, Nebuchadnezzar the Archon of New York was quiet for a moment, and then he lifted his sword and said: “Let us kill them all.”
Chapter 6
So the army of Nebuchadnezzar prepared to war against the caravan.
Now, when they saw the multitude of the army of Nebuchadnezzar encamped against them, the wayfarers of the caravan were greatly troubled, and they said one to another: “The shock troops of New York City are ready to lick us.”
Then Nebuchadnezzar the Archon of New York commanded his army to besiege the fountains that the caravan relied upon for water. He said: “If we take control of their water source, then thirst shall kill them; and they and their wives and their children shall be consumed with famine; thus, before we even need to lift our sword, the caravan shall be overthrown. They deserve this evil reward, because they took too long to acknowledge that I am GOD.”
Then the wayfarers of the caravan cried unto the Volcano, because their heart failed, for the army of New York had compassed them round about, and seized their water supply, and there was no way to escape.
This siege lasted thirty-four days. At that point, all the caravan’s vessels of water were empty: they had not even one day’s worth of water left; so they rationed out little thimbles of water to all the people, and to their children.
Therefore the infants and women and young men fainted for thirst, and fell down in the streets of the city; and there was no longer any strength in them.
Then the people of the caravan assembled and said: “We are defeated by this Nebuchadnezzar from New York City. Therefore, let us surrender to him, and acknowledge that he is GOD; for it is better that we be made a spoil unto him, than to die of thirst. We will be his servants, so that our souls may live, and not see the death of our infants before our eyes.”
And there was a great weeping with one consent amid the assembly; and they cried unto the Volcano with a loud voice.
Chapter 7
But there was one wayfarer at the assembly who did not assent to the idea of the caravan surrendering: Her name was Judith. She was the widow of a hero, whose death was so recent that she was still wearing her mourning clothes. This woman Judith was of a goodly countenance, and very beautiful to behold; she was sweet-natured, so everyone loved her.
Now when the suggestion of surrender was voiced at the public meeting, Judith arose and said: “No, my people; be of good courage, do not give in yet; let us endure for five more days: in that interval, the volcano of potential may turn his mercy toward us; for I believe that he will not forsake us utterly. Five days is all I ask; but I wish you would be willing to wait even longer. For who are we to put deadlines on the Volcano’s plan of salvation; why should we limit the Everlasting One to our timeframe? Who are we to have tempted God this day, and to stand instead of God among the children of men? Lo, test the Lord Almighty, but you shall never discover anything. For you cannot even find the depth of the heart of man, neither can you perceive the things that a mortal thinks: How then can you search out God, who has made all these things, and know his mind, or comprehend his purpose? Why provoke Lord Yahweh with our impatience? I ask for five days more, only because we are all dying of thirst; but if we have faith, he has power to defend us when he will, even every day, or to destroy us at any time before our enemies. Let us therefore refrain from binding the counsels of the LORD: for God is not as man, that he may be threatened; neither is he the son of man, that he should be wavering. In conclusion, I say: wait with me for the Volcano’s deliverance, and call him to help us: he will hear our voice, if it pleases him.”
Then said the wayfarers to Judith: “You have spoken all this with a good heart, and there is no one here who may gainsay your words. But our young ones are very thirsty; therefore, pray now for us, because you are the most attractive among the multitudes, so the Volcano will listen to you, and he will send us rain to fill our cisterns; then we shall faint no more.”
And Judith answered her people and said: “Listen, I will do a thing, which shall go throughout all generations to the children of our nation. This night, I will go forth from the gate of our city: and within the days that I have promised, the Volcano will rescue the caravan by my hand. But do not ask how I will accomplish this: for it is my secret; I will not declare it to you, until my plan is finished.”
Then the wayfarers of the caravan said to Judith: “Go in peace, and may the volcano of potential be with you.”
So they returned from the tabernacle and went to their respective tents.
Chapter 8
Then Judith fell upon her knees, and meditated, saying: “O Volcano, hear me. For, behold, the forces of our enemy Nebuchadnezzar are multiplied in their power. They glory in their physical strength, and they know not that you are the one who breaks the battles. Behold their pride, and send your wrath upon their heads: give into my hand the power that I have conceived. Smite by the deceit of my lips that great city’s leader: break down its stateliness by the hand of a woman. For your power stands not in large armies, nor your might in strong men: because you are a god of the afflicted, a helper of the oppressed, an upholder of the weak, a protector of the forlorn, a savior to people like us who have no hope. I pray you, I pray you, O volcano of potential, Lord of the heavens and earth, Creator of the waters, King of every creature, please hear my prayer: Make my speech and deceit to be their wound and downfall, who have purposed cruel things against the caravan.”
Chapter 9
Now after that Judith had ceased to cry unto the Volcano, and had made an end of all her words, she rose from where she had knelt, and put away her mourning coat which she had on, and stripped off the garments of her widowhood, and washed her body all over with water, and anointed herself with precious ointment, and brushed the hair of her head, and put on her garments of gladness.
And she slipped her feet into sandals, and donned bracelets, and wore chains, and rings, and jewelry, and many ornaments, and decked herself to allure the eyes of all men that should see her.
Then she filled her handbag with a bottle of wine, and a cruse of oil, and parched corn, and lumps of figs, and fine bread.
Thus, Judith went forth to the gate of the city; and she found standing there the caravan’s leaders. And when they saw her, they noticed that her countenance was altered, and her apparel was changed, and they wondered at her beauty very greatly. Although they were afraid to speak to her, they worshipped God in their hearts, on account of her allure.
Then she looked back and said to them: “Command the gates of the city to be opened to me, when I return, so that I may go forth now and accomplish my special mission.” So they commanded the gatekeepers to open unto her, as she had spoken.
And after that, Judith strode away; and the men of the city gazed after her, until she was gone down the mountain and had passed into the valley, and they could see her no more.
She went straight forth into the valley, and the soldiers of the army of Nebuchadnezzar met her there. And they took her, and asked her: “Of what people are you? Where are you coming from, and where are you going?”
Judith said: “I am a wayfarer of the caravan, and am fled from them: for they shall be given to you as prey to be consumed. Now I am seeking Nebuchadnezzar, the chief captain of your armed forces and Archon of New York City: for I wish to declare words of truth to him, which will show him a way to win all the hill country away from the caravan, without losing a single life of any of his men.”
Now when the enemy soldiers heard these words of Judith, and beheld her countenance, they wondered greatly at her beauty, and said unto her: “You have saved your own life by giving up your people. It is good that you have come to seek our lord. Now therefore enter his tent: some of our men will conduct you, until you are delivered into his hands. And when you stand before him, be not afraid, but tell him exactly what you just said to us, and he will treat you well.”
Then they selected one hundred men to accompany Judith to the tent of Nebuchadnezzar. And the enemy soldiers all stood around and stared longingly; and they wondered at her beauty, and admired the wayfarers of the caravan because of her, and every solider said unto his neighbor: “Who would despise this people, that have among them such women?”
Then the assistants and servants of Nebuchadnezzar came out and brought Judith into the tent.
Now Nebuchadnezzar rested upon his bed under a canopy, which was woven with purple, and gold, and emeralds, and precious stones.
And when Judith was come before him and his servants, they all marveled at the beauty of her countenance; and she knelt, and did reverence unto him.
Chapter 10
Then Nebuchadnezzar said to Judith: “Woman, be of good comfort, fear not in your heart: for I never hurt anyone who is willing to serve Nebuchadnezzar the GOD. It is unfortunate that the populace of your caravan that dwells in the mountains regarded me so lightly, otherwise I would never have besieged them: but they have brought these hardships upon themselves. Now tell me: why did you flee from them? And why do you come to us?”
And Judith said unto him, “Since your army has surrounded the caravan and seized their fountains, their victuals fail them, and all their water is scant; thus, necessity has lured them to consume certain foods which our tradition considers to be unclean. When I heard this, I escaped from their presence, for I am religious, and I will neither eat nor drink anything that our priests have deemed unlawful. Now the jinni whom I trust has sent me to work out matters with you, dear GOD; and those things that you and I together shall accomplish will leave the whole earth astonished. And here is my plan: I will sneak out by night into the valley, and I will pray to my jinni, and he will tell me where my people are committing their sins: then I will come and show you the location, and you can take your shock-troops and go forth and slay the entire caravansary. Afterward, I will lead you through Eldorado, until you come to Sweet Beulah Land, which is the capital, and you shall set your throne in the midst thereof.”
This speech of Judith pleased Nebuchadnezzar, and he said: “There is not such a woman from one end of the earth to the other, who has such beauty of face, and wisdom of words. Your jinni has done well to send you away from your people so that I can destroy them. If everything works out as you say, then I will let you dwell in my house.”
Chapter 11
That evening, Nebuchadnezzar commanded to bring Judith in to dine with him. So his assistants came to her, and said: “Fair damsel, fear not to come to our GOD, and to be honored in his presence, and drink wine, and be merry.”
And Judith answered: “Who am I now, that I should gainsay the Most High GOD? surely whatsoever pleases him I will do speedily, and it shall be my joy unto the day of my death.”
So she arose, and decked herself with her apparel and all her woman’s attire, and she came and laid soft skins on the ground over against Nebuchadnezzar, that she might sit and eat upon them.
Now when Judith came and sat down, the heart of Nebuchadnezzar was ravished with her, and his mind was moved, and he greatly desired her company; for he had been longing to ensnare her, from the day that he had seen her.
And Nebuchadnezzar said unto Judith: “Drink now, and be merry.”
So Judith said: “I will drink, O Most High GOD, because my life is magnified in me this day more than all the days since I was born.” Then she took and ate and drank before him what his chefs had prepared.
And Nebuchadnezzar took great delight in her, and drank much more wine than he had drunk at any time since the day he was born.
Chapter 12
Now when the night was come, the servants of Nebuchadnezzar made haste to depart, and they shut his tent without, and dismissed the waiters from the presence of their GOD; and they went to their beds: for they were all weary, because the feast had been long.
And Judith was left alone in the tent, with Nebuchadnezzar sprawled upon his bed: for he was filled with wine. No one else was in the chamber with them.
Then Judith, standing by his bed, said in her heart: “O volcano of potential, guide my hands in this moment for the exaltation of the caravan.”
Then she reached for Nebuchadnezzar’s girdle, and drew out his sword, and took hold of the hair of his head, and said: “Strengthen me, O Volcano.”
Then she smote twice upon his neck with all her might, and she took away his head from him. And his body tumbled off the bed, pulling down the canopy from the pillars.
And Judith went forth, holding the head of Nebuchadnezzar by the hair, and she put it in her large handbag; then she went as was her custom to go meditate, and when she passed the camp, she took the long way round the valley, and trekked up the mountain to the city’s entrance.
Then said Judith afar off to the gatekeeper: “Open, open now! The Volcano is with us, to show us his power yet in Eldorado; for he has defeated the enemy this day.”
Now when the men within the city heard her voice, they hastened to go down to see her; and all the people, both small and great, came along, for it was strange to them that she had come back. So they opened the gate, and received her, and made a fire for a light, and stood round about her.
Then she said to them with a loud voice: “Praise Yahweh, praise Yahweh, I say, for he has destroyed our enemies by my hands this night.” And she took the head out of the handbag, and showed it, and said unto them: “Behold the head of Nebuchadnezzar, the Archon and chief captain of the New York Army. The Volcano has smitten him by the hand of a woman.”
Then all the wayfarers were wonderfully astonished, and bowed themselves, and worshipped Yahweh, and said with one accord: “Blessed be the volcano of potential, which has this day brought to nought the adversaries of the caravan. And blessed be Judith above all the women upon the earth. And blessed be the Lord Yahweh God, who has directed you to the cutting off of the head of our fiercest enemy.” And a theatrical chorus nearby said: “So be it, so be it.”
Chapter 13
Then Judith said to her people from the caravan: “Hear me now, my brethren. Take this head, and hang it upon the highest place of our walls. And as soon as the sun rises, take every man his weapons, and go charge down into the field toward the siege of the New Yorkers. They shall don their armor, and hasten to rouse up their captains, and when they run into the tent of Nebuchadnezzar, they shall find his body decapitated within the bed canopy: then their army shall flee before your face. So you shall pursue them, and overthrow them as they go.”
And when Judith had left off speaking, the people shouted with a loud voice, and made a joyful noise in their city.
And as soon as the morning arose, they hanged the head of Nebuchadnezzar upon the wall, and every man took his weapons, and they went forth unto the straits of the mountain.
And when the besieging soldiers saw them, they sent for their leaders, and when they came to the tabernacle of Nebuchadnezzar, they said to his armorbearer: “Waken now our lord: for the slaves have been bold to come down against us to battle, that they may be utterly destroyed.”
Then the armorbearer went in and knocked at the door of the tent; for he thought that Nebuchadnezzar had slept with Judith. But because none answered, he opened it, and went into the bedchamber, and found the GOD collapsed upon the floor dead, and his head was missing. Therefore, the attendant cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and sighing, and a mighty howl, and tore his garments. Then after looking into the tent where Judith lodged, and having found her not, he leaped out to the people, and shouted: “These slaves have dealt treacherously; one woman of the caravan has brought shame upon the city of New York: for, behold, our GOD lies upon the ground without a head.”
When the shock-troops of the New York Army heard these words, their minds were wonderfully troubled, and there was a cry and a very great noise throughout the camp. Fear and trembling fell upon them: they scrambled out in confusion all at once, fleeing every way in the plain, and through the hills of the country.
Chapter 14
Then the forces from the caravan, every soul that was a warrior among them, rushed out upon the troops of New York to destroy them. And they all fell upon them with one consent, and slew them unto the Chaos Buffer Zone. And they chased them with a great slaughter, until they were past the borders of Eldorado. They also fell upon the camp that was left near the fountains, and spoiled them, and were greatly enriched.
Then all the wayfarers of the caravan went to see Judith, and to salute her. And when they came before her, they blessed her with one accord, and said unto her: “You are the exaltation of Eldorado; you are the great glory of the caravan; you are the rejoicing of our nation. You have accomplished all these triumphs by your hand: you have done much good to your fellow wayfarers, and the Volcano is pleased therewith.”
And the wayfarers of the caravan spoiled the abandoned camp of the besiegers for the space of thirty days.
And they gave unto Judith the tabernacle of Nebuchadnezzar, and all his plates and silverware, and beds, and vessels, and all his stuff. And she took these things, and laid them on her mule.
Then all the women from the caravan ran together to see Judith; and they blessed her, and held hands and danced around her in a circle. They put a crown of olive branches upon her, and she went before all the people in the dance, leading the women: then the men of Eldorado followed in their armor with garlands, and with songs in their mouths.
Chapter 15
Now Judith began to sing the following Psalm of Thanksgiving in Eldorado, and all the people sang after her this poem of praise.
Begin with timbrels and cymbals: chant unto the Volcano a fresh anthem. For the Volcano breaks the battles. From among the camps of the enemy, he has delivered me.
The New Yorkians came from the north, they arrived with ten thousands in their army, the multitude whereof stopped the torrents, and their horsemen covered the hills.
Their Archon bragged that he would burn up my borders, and kill my young men with the sword, and dash the sucking children against the ground, and make my infants a prey, and my virgins a spoil.
But the Volcano has disappointed them by the hand of a beautiful woman.
For their Archon did not fall by the young warriors, neither did the sons of the Titans smite him, nor high giants set upon him: but Judith the widow weakened him with the splendor of her countenance.
For she put off the garment of her widowhood for the exaltation of those that were oppressed in the caravan, and anointed her face with ointment, and brushed her hair, and took an evening gown to deceive him.
Her sandals ravished his eyes, her beauty took his mind prisoner, and the longsword passed through his neck.
The Brooklynites quaked at her boldness, and the Bronxians were daunted at her hardiness.
Then my afflicted wayfarers shouted for joy, and my weak ones cried aloud. The Manhattanites were astonished: they rose up, but they were overthrown.
The sons of our damsels have pierced them through, and wounded them as the offspring of fugitives: they perished in battle.
I will sing a new song unto Yahweh. O Lord, thou art great and glorious, wonderful in strength, and invincible. None can resist you. The mountains shall be moved from their foundations within the waters, the rocks shall melt as wax before your presence.
Woe to the empire that rises against the peaceable. Lord Yahweh Peor will take vengeance in the day of judgment, putting fire and worms in their flesh; and they shall feel them, and weep forever.
Now as soon as they re-entered Eldorado, they had a waltz-a-thon to the Volcano; and they invited the surrounding nations, including any willing New Yorkers, and they mixed and mingled.
Judith also dedicated all the spoils of Nebuchadnezzar, which the people had given her, and gave the canopy, which she had taken out of his bedchamber, for a gift unto Yahweh: she had it installed within the Temple of the Hairy One.
So the people continued banqueting and waltzing in Eldorado with all the nations for the duration of three months, and Judith remained the center of attention.
Then, when enough Seeds of Promise had been conceived, they returned every one to his own place. And Judith went to live in the hill that was dear to the Volcano; this dwelling became known as the House of Betrothal, for the widow Judith never re-wed any suitor but chose instead to remain away in her place on high; and though many desired her, none ever knew her, all the rest of her days. However, there were often reports of seeing upon that hilltop a fiery pillar during the night, and during the daytime a pillar of smoke.
And Judith increased more in honor as each year passed. And it was rumored that when at last she gave up the ghost, she was buried in a cave on the mountainside with the prophetesses. But throughout her life, and long after, there was never another attack upon the caravan, and no villain ever again made the people afraid.
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