Dear diary,
God was all in all. God had no name, back then, so people called the thing Endlessness or the Everlasting. Then God decided create everything; so, because all the room was presently taken up by God, God needed to clear out a space for the otherness of ungodly stuff to exist. So everyone watched while God separated a pocket of absence from the divine presence; and they called the absence Emptiness and the presence Fulness. And this was the first step outside of Eternity, because time started then.
Now the Emptiness was God’s womb, and God fertilized it with ideas, and many things got born. The Fulness was God’s womb, rather – I just now realized that if the Emptiness is the womb, then where would it bring forth the pregnancies that it was big with? So the Fulness was fertilized by God, and it bore creatures and worlds into the Emptiness of spacetime. Everything was spinning, just like when one pours barleycorn into a tub of water.
God is one, but the way that God makes decisions is that the divine presence splits into sub-gods, and these sub-gods converse with each other, like a meeting of friends at the park. If you watch your own brain while you are thinking, you will notice that an analogous process takes place: your own sub-gods are called impulses or drives.
Now one of these lesser gods said: “The worlds that we made inside the Emptiness are good. I like them. We should keep them as they are.” This god’s name was Jove.
Then the god named Jesus said: “No, we should revise what we have birthed, for it could be much better than it is. Look: all creatures are toothing and clawing each other, and there is gnashing and weeping.”
And the god named Belial said: “You two are both wrong. The worlds are neither perfect nor in need of revision. The worlds, being thoroughly discordant, are fun to go down into. I made a few trips while you two were measuring out your speeches to each other just now, and let me assure you: everything’s evil. So, Jove, you’re wrong: it’s not good; and, Jesus, you’re also wrong: we need not change a thing. Come, join me in my pod; I have wine to drink, and ladies to romance.”
Jove remained behind in his cloud, to watch and wonder. But Jesus reluctantly joined Belial in the pod. Belial passed Jesus a bottle, and two ladies stood at Jesus’ right and at his left arm. And the ladies had wings, for they were angels. And the pod was a vehicle that cruised around the outer darkness: it looked small on the outside, but it was large on the inside. You could fit a lot of refreshments in it. And there were many angel dames, and all the control panels were strewn with flashing lights.
They went down into the Emptiness, and they visited a place called Pandora’s Emporium. And they bought a thing called a vox box, which they were told means “larynx” but it was made out of spirit, and it could let the gods travel invisibly; so they wrapped this vox box around Belial’s pod. And it was the equinox on Planet Fox, when they bought this product, which was built during an eclipse and rigged with dark curses.
Jesus wanted to see what the stock trading was like on Planet Earth, so they went there first. But they could not get into the building where all the action was rumored to be happening, because of the heavy police presence: you couldn’t move without running into a cop. So they went backwards to Nazareth, and there they found some gangs placing bets on Job’s patience; so Jesus, being without sin, threw stones at them, and they ran off, leaving their winnings. Belial and Jesus used this cash to purchase garden trolls from the nearby commercial landscape supply wholesaler. Then they went east until they reached Eden, and they used their trolls to build a paradise. And they made two naked statues, and they charged them with motion by hooking them up to a machine that produced lightning bolts. And they used the vox box to air them up with life.
Jove then came forth in his cloud and said: “You two aren’t doing what the boss told you not to do, are you?”
And Belial and Jesus hid behind some bags of concrete mix, and they used the earpiece transmitter’s walkie-talkie system to tell the dummy gods to answer Jove: “Say you are us, and tell him that you do not remember what the boss warned us not to do.” So the dummy gods did this, and Jove was satisfied with repeating the commandments to them; then he left.
Jesus and Belial came out and asked their moving mannequins: “Where are your wives?” Then Jesus and Belial went and fetched their wives, and took them with them in the pod, and they flew back to heaven.
Jove was with Zeus and Jehovah sitting in lawn chairs, sipping rum from skulls and watching their friend Blair try to sink his putt.
The vox box pod blew in, in the form of a light breeze, and it caused the golf ball to miss the hole. Belial climbed out, followed by his girls and then Jesus and his girls; then he shut the door and turned to Blair and held up his fist and said: “Head or gut, Blair.” And Blair said: “No, stop.” Then Belial kicked Blair in the crotch, and they all laughed. Then Jesus smote Blair, so that he died – “To put him out of his misery,” he claimed. And all the angels were very beautiful.
“Where’s King Tut?” asked Jesus.
“Keep it down,” said Jehovah. “The scold might hear you.” By which he meant Isis.
Then Belial and Jesus pulled up some lawn chairs and showed the gods what they had brought back from the Emptiness. Fine promises written on animal skins, deadly dust, and two maidens who had no wings, who were not angels. “Eve, Lilith,” Belial introduced everyone to everyone; “meet Zeus, Jove, and Jehovah. They are our brothers. We all made the place where you live.”
“Where are their feathers?” Jove said, looking alarmed.
“They are the wives of those two dupes that we duped you with, down there. – Did you really think that was us, in the garden?”
“They looked like you.”
The wives then had a great time carousing with the immortals.
No comments:
Post a Comment