Dear diary,
I have loathed every job I’ve ever had. “Job” meaning whatever someone was willing to pay me to do. Some people have careers they love; I am happy for them. But I associate all paid labor with misery.
Prostitution is the best work for wages. You get paid to experience pleasure with loved ones. What could be better than that? Say you’re a carpenter: would you rather cut wood than bask in bliss with a lover? Computer programmers: would you rather just sit there and type, staring at a buzzing screen all day, than kiss and cuddle with the one you love?
I’m aware of the flaw in my argument. There’s one detail that I’m failing to take into account: A prostitute does not simply receive money for holding hands with a soul-mate at the beach. The downside of prostitution is that one must hold hands with any paying customer. So, if your price is twenty caesars, then anyone who offers you that much cash can take your hand and stroll the beach with you, in the moonlight. And then if your client pays another five caesars, she can hug you.
Also, when your date is over, you cannot just return to your manor house, pour yourself a cocktail, sit in a lawn chair, and watch the cattle graze. No, the instant Paying Customer A says goodbye, Paying Customer B says hello. And you must now go dine with that person, and pretend to enjoy her conversation. After watching the sun go down with Customer B, she hugs you (having paid for that service) and retires to her cabin; then Client C steps forward, being at the front of the line of customers, and offers her twenty-five caesars; now you must watch the sun go down with her as well, and engage in hugging once again, regardless of whether these actions appeal to you at the moment. You must always act with warmth and kind-heartedness; you must never admit that you would rather not enjoy another candlelight dinner.
One more career that seems good when you daydream about it, but then proves bad when you experience its reality, is the position of Federal Judge. One would think that this would be great fun: The assumption is that you get to walk around your city righting wrongs and rescuing widows and orphans. But what really happens is that criminals are constantly shooting at you with their firearms. And you fire back: you aim for the tires of their getaway vehicle, but you end up hitting their spouse, who’s not even a criminal: she turns out to be very beautiful; too bad she’s a corpse. So now you have that on your conscience. The pay is good, though: your annual salary is three hundred and fifty thousand caesars, plus bribes. But you must have a tough skin, and do lots of weight training. I only lasted twenty-two years.
The best job of all? Is there one? Might there exist a career that even surpasses its common daydream? I say there is. At first glance, it resembles prostitution, but when you dive into it and really get going, it’s a whole different ballgame. I’m talking about the career of Adulteress with a Bank Manager. You work as a beautiful woman who commits adultery with the manager of a bank. Your bank manager is, of course, married, and he does not get along with his plain-looking wife. She is pregnant, to boot. This renders her ornerier than usual, and her figure cannot hold a candle to yours. The pay is great: there is no fixed salary, because the position is unofficial; the bank manager gives you however much cash you desire, whenever you ask for it. Money is not hard to come by, for bank managers, because they have access to all the riches in the universe – huge vaults filled with gold coins and stacks of paper currency are within arm’s reach of any bank manager’s office desk, and he is the only soul who knows the safe’s combination. Or if a key is required, then he has that key. So you sleep with this guy in a motel, any time you like (it’s up to you, not him: you’re an adulteress, not a prostitute), and you get the pleasures of sensual intimacy PLUS however much wealth you want PLUS good conversation. For every bank manager is well-educated, gentle-mannered, and handsome. And his wife never finds out about your affair, because she is preoccupied with planning for the birth of their baby. It’s a perfect situation. This is the career path that I recommend.
Film Idea
I would like to watch a whole movie about a bank manager pursuing the joys of adultery. Most feature-length motion pictures will only include a few scenes, at the most, on this subject: No artist ever dares to make the bank manager’s adulterous activity the story’s main focus; but that should be the whole adventure.
The film should begin with the manager at his bank, sitting at his computer and talking with the beautiful woman who shall eventually become his paramour. Perhaps she has scheduled this appointment to set up a checking account; or perhaps she already possesses several accounts and thus is here to transfer funds from one to another – it doesn’t really matter why the bank’s manager is meeting with this woman: you just need a clear shot of the two of them on either side of a desk, with a computer monitor between them. This will cause the audience to begin to yearn to see these two characters, who are presently so stiff and formal, embark on a series of passionate couplings.
Then the middle portion of the movie should be dedicated to scene after scene of normal daily events being interrupted by phone calls from the respective lovers, saying “Can you meet me, right now?” And, each time, they should end up either in a motel room together, or at the mistress’s house, or in the manager’s office at the bank. It is important, as well, to show that the bank manager’s wife never suspects any deception. The lovers should both behave with confident abandon, and have no regrets or remorse.
And the affair should never end. The movie should last no more than ninety minutes – eighty minutes, preferably – and the wife who is pregnant should always appear to be very close to her due date, but the film should conclude before she gives birth. If people wish to imagine that the bank manager’s wife eventually does go into labor, that is fine: people can dream up whatever after-events they like: a newborn boy or girl, whatever. I myself prefer to envision their story continuing exactly as things have been for its duration: with the man’s wife remaining big with child and suspecting nothing, while the bank manager and his beautiful mistress enjoy their fling. It would be good to leave the audience with the notion that the affair continues forever. (Perhaps, likewise, the baby’s birth is postponed indefinitely.)
I think that this would be the ideal movie. The actors would be attractive: they would dress nice, their voices would sound pleasant, and each one’s personality would win you over. The camerawork, the editing, the sound design, the art direction, and all other aspects of production that comprise the motion picture would be alluring: nothing about this film would be dull. Moms will love it; dads will love it; little boys and girls will love it. In short, the whole family will love it. It will be the summer blockbuster, as well as the movie that all families watch together every Christmas. It will be the film of films.
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