Dear diary,
God came blazing out of his cloud and set fire to our town. He was spinning round and saying: “Worship me. I am a man made of fire.” And he had red hair. And his army was with him, and they had fiery tongues, and they smelled like sulfur, and there was smoke coming out of them.
Then a counterforce of extraterrestrials came down in pods from the other heaven, and they began shooting green slime at the angel army of God, and they put out the fire. Then God’s red eyes shot out laser beams at the aliens, and he used his wand to spray smokey dust at their ships.
The two sides then agreed to settle their differences by playing games of billiards. So the best billiards players from God’s army and the alien invaders came forward and met on the battlefield, and they established a table where they could compete against each other.
Then a technology and consulting company stepped out of the year 1911 and named itself International Business Machines Corporation: it looked like a boxy computer with legs to walk on. It beat everyone in ten seconds flat. It was good at billiards. It played with ease; it did not need to stop and think, or to make any plans. It did not talk, it did not drink or eat food, it did not fall in love. But some of the angels fell in love with it. But the computer arrested them because of the feelings that were in their hearts. Then the machine in its mercy allowed both groups to fight a rematch on the chess board. “I will even win against you with my queen tied behind my back,” it said. And it did this. Then it hypnotized everyone with geometrical slideshows that it projected from its belly. And it tested its skills in drawing up equations against God Almighty. God dreamt up a wild formula, which contained a riddle somehow coded inside of it; but the computer solved it with embarrassing speed. “You’re a rollerskater, I’m a rollerblader,” it said. (That was the riddle’s answer.) And God slammed his fist down on the table in disappointment, demonstrating very poor sportsmanship. And he caused the lights for the numbers on the scoreboard to flicker and malfunction, so that the display was obscured. Then God whipped up a great wind, and he forced the supercomputer to change bodies, and he made the thing into a little girl. Then God took two planets and brought them closer, so that they more than doubled in size, and he tossed the computer girl between them, and the combined force of their gravitational pull caused the computer girl to hover in space rather than falling toward either of the two surfaces. Then God traveled backwards in time and possessed the body of Alexander, the student of Aristotle, and when he came back to the present moment, he was a mighty commander who knew all about conquest and philosophy. He stood watching the computer girl in the outer darkness; she had grown and was now a lady.
“I like the way she moves,” said God as Alexander, standing there mesmerized, next to his warhorse on the battlefield, just watching the computer lady float in the outer spaces. She was vibrating like an object riding in the bed of a pickup truck when the vehicle is driving over rugged terrain, because of the competing pulls of the planets that flanked her. “I wish the jitteriness were smoother, though,” said God as Alexander, “so that it would look not so much as though she were going to explode. It should appear more like she is in the groove of a powerful mood. More rhythmic than buzzy.”
God flew up into the sky and addressed the computer woman. She remembered him. She asked how long he planned on making her wear this feminine physique.
God, answering the question he wished she had asked, used his storm winds to part the sea on the earth, which appeared like a gash on the globe when viewed from their position, high out and above in outer space. It looked like he had given the planet a sword wound.
This left the lady unimpressed. She stretched out her hand, and the waters closed back up, healing the gash. Now God blew smoke out of his nostrils and caused all the oceans of the earth to catch on fire. Then he flew away.
“What happened up there?” asked the captain of the angelic army, when God as Alexander returned. “We had just begun to travel on foot through the dry pass, but it slammed shut atop us, and half our forces drowned. Was that your intent? Our attempts to rescue the troops from the flood were thwarted when the deep caught fire.”
“You just can’t get the time of day from a girl like that,” said God in explanation.
The captain of the angelic army was at a loss for words.
“I’ll employ Rescue Cat to get those men back that you lost,” said God as Alexander. Then he summoned the colossal demon named Rescue Cat up from her bed, and she sprang forth and shot out radar spells to find the drowned soldiers. They all had red hair: that’s how she knew that they were from God’s army. There were other soldiers drowned in the sea, the depths had covered them too, but Rescue Cat left their corpses at the bottom and did not resurrect them, because they belonged there. Like I said, only the red-haired troops got revived. They were brought to shore in large nets, and Rescue Cat used her paws to help the drowned soldiers expel all the water which had clogged their lungs.
During all this work of salvation, lightning was sparkling from the fangs and claws of Rescue Cat. And she waved her tail fast to start a hurricane. Then she flew in the air. And wherever the land was so dry that the crops needed watering, Rescue Cat caused the sky to rain. But anyone who tried to stroke the belly of Rescue Cat as she passed by overhead would be afflicted with the Antonine Plague. Also, they were given leprosy and sunspots. Then, when Rescue Cat had to land, she landed on all four paws, every time. And if there were villains nearby, she would scratch their flesh; and the scratches would become infected.
Now the aliens from earlier converted their space pods into milk saucers, and they fed the Rescue Cat; therefore the Rescue Cat rescued them, as well, and she brought them back to their home planet, on her back. And her claws were longer than the claws of any other feline superhero.
Rescue Cat mended the relationship between God’s army and the alien forces, and she also convinced the computer lady that hated God to give God a chance. So all these former enemies now squeezed into Rescue Cat’s red hotrod and drove around together at night. They called themselves the Community Action Squad, and Rescue Cat served as their leader. She wore a bright badge, and anytime the crew encountered an unknown man on the street, Rescue Cat would shine her flashlight in his face and ask if he would be interested in receiving a free lifetime membership to the Action Squad. So, this is how they gained so many new followers.
They did a lot of community service. Rescue Cat would drive the red hotrod to a random neighborhood and park. Then God would get out and walk up and down the block: this would cause the residents to feel terror. Then God would steal all their rare particles and scientific plans. One time, God shook the whole city until not a single citizen was left standing. Then Rescue Cat came out and helped everyone get back on their feet. God wore spiked boots and a metal skirt. And for weapons he carried a huge net and a wooden phaser. (A type of sci-fi stun-gun.)
That is how God became the owner of this whole other planet, in addition to Earth. He used his fists of stone, and he spent his credit cards right: this gave him a clear advantage.
Every Saturday evening, Recue Cat would take the aliens and angel-army of the Community Action Squad out to the dance club. They would all put on their dancing shoes and go dancing. And God would blast everybody in a dance-floor fight, while yelling: “I’m immortal.” Then he would open up a warp hole in space and invite medium-sized turtles to crawl through, and they would grope around mediocrely. Then hermit crabs would creep out other portals in space nearby and taunt the turtles, saying “Come out of your shells, you green foes; we will tear you up in a battle.” And God would give his turtles laser batons to help them win, and he himself would use his wooden phaser to shoot at the hermit crabs when they began waltzing. And when his stun beams ran out, he would throw rocks. God also taught the turtles how to dig tunnels down through the floor and pop out right underneath you.
Then the Community Action Squad went out looking for love. They searched everywhere, with no luck. It was too high to reach. “That’s the limit,” said Rescue Cat. “Girl, come here,” shouted God. Then God turned to Rescue Cat and said: “Rescue Cat, rescue her.” “I can’t,” explained Rescue Cat; “not at that distance: it is dangerously far away.” “But were you not created to act selflessly?” argued God. So Rescue Cat embarked upon the mission.
She strode through the part of the Gulf of Chaos that no one had ever gotten past before. It almost made her lungs collapse. Then she advanced further and swam in the Bowl of Punch, and she took a few licks as she went; but when she came to the Venom, she held back her tongue and used her willpower to refrain from tasting it. This helped her to avoid dying. But it could not stop her from crying: the stress of the journey brought out strong emotions in the Savior.
When Rescue Cat reached the damsel who personified Love for God, she asked her: “May I act as your nurse and bring you soup on rainy days?” Love bowed and granted this request, but she specified that she did not desire to be worshiped; she was made uncomfortable by Rescue Cat’s stargazing manner: “I’m only human,” she said, “even though I have twenty thousand valentines.”
So, Rescue Cat won Love’s hand for God by promising to give money back to the ghettoes of New York City, Chicago, and Detroit.
“Thank you so much for winning this prize for my heart,” cried God, when Rescue Cat emerged from the dark slime of the Gulf of Chaos with the damsel on her back.
“I did what anybody else would do,” said Rescue Cat. And she added: “I don’t think I could have done it without that generous budget that you gave me. Plus it helped to have the support of such a big crew.”
“Any injuries?” asked God. “I’ll get you mended.”
“I dislocated my kneecap, at one point, when I jumped up and then fell down in the Gulf of Chaos,” said Rescue Cat, “but I’m already better. I had to use a crutch to help me navigate the rest of the obstacles, but Love still accepted me: she was very nice. However, right before we began our return journey, I tipped back too far on my crutch and fell and broke open my skull, and my brain fell out; so, we had to clean my brain off and cut part of it out, and that was the part with all my knowledge about rescuing people, and it also contained my courage; therefore, I assumed that I would need to find a new occupation; but Love did not allow me to descend into poverty and homelessness: she established a fan club for me, and those admirers then helped me out of this crisis: they sent lots of donations, which paid for a percentage of my hospital bed; and now I’m even better at rescuing than I was before the accidents, because I used all the time when I was laid up to read books, which restored all my braveness.”
Rescue Cat was staring at the ground while she relayed all the above info; then, when she was finished, she looked up and saw that God had tears in his eyes.
So, God got married to Love, and they had twelve children together, and they all lived happily ever after.
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