[Part 1 of 2]
Shirley the Love Interest looks out the window of her bakery. She sees a poster advertising a shootout; there is a full-size depiction of a shirtless Thug holding a handgun. Shirley the Love Interest gawks dreamily at this picture. She folds her hands as if in prayer to the Thug, and plants kisses on the window in the direction of the poster, then mouths the phrase “You are my hero.”
Meanwhile, the Thug himself, whose name is Johnny, is loitering on the street corner with his gang.
An event manager approaches and hands Johnny the Thug a stack of tickets, saying: “We need to sell all these, fast. They are seats for this evening’s shootout. If people don’t purchase the whole lot, then we won’t make much money.”
The Thug smirks and flicks the tickets with the back of his hand and says: “Don’t worry; I have a special trick that I use to make sales: I just approach a potential buyer, and get in his face and say: ‘Wanna purchase several seats to my shootout tonight?’ And if he answers yes, then good. But if no, then I give a high wave to my gangsters here, and they come and throw rocks through that person’s window. It works like a charm, every time.”
Now the Thug and his gang go walking down the block. They come to a furniture store, whose owner is sitting in a chair before the entryway.
The Thug slaps the man on his bald head with the stack of tickets and says: “Hey, fatso, we’re selling seats for this evening’s shootout. You’ll be needing several.” And he starts counting out very many tickets that he intends for the man to buy.
The furniture store owner shows his palms and shakes his head vigorously and says: “No, no, I don’t even dance.”
The Thug now raises his hand high and waves to his gang members, who are standing on the other side of the street. They approach holding rocks, which they launch through the window of the furniture store. When the glass shatters, the owner leaps up out of his chair in a panic. He curses the laughing gangsters as they leave.
The gang follows at a distance while Johnny the Thug strolls down the sidewalk. When Johnny comes to the jewelry store, he happens to see a pretty lady across the street, so raises his hand high to wave to her. Now his gang members assume that this is a signal to them, so they toss rocks through the jewelry store’s window. Johnny the Thug, recovering from the shock of this mistake, yells in exasperation at his gang, saying: “No, you fools! I was just flirting with that dame who strolled past; I did not mean for you to smash this shopfront yet – I haven’t even gotten a chance to talk to its owner. Now you caused me to lose a sale.”
Following the sound of smashed glass, the owner of the jewelry store springs out and angrily stares at Johnny. Johnny points at the broken window and remarks: “It looks like your window broke.” Then he walks on, unfazed.
§
Next, Johnny the Thug comes to the bakery where Shirley the Love Interest is at work. Shirley looks out of the window and sees Johnny: the very Thug whose depiction on the poster she was marveling at this morning. She smiles and says to herself, “Ooh, here he is, in person!”
Johnny the Thug looks into the bakery window and sees a glazed pastry on a plate behind Shirley. He smiles and says “I want that,” while pointing at the pastry. Shirley assumes that he is making this remark about her. She pats her hair, in anticipation.
Johnny the Thug enters the bakery and stands before the glass display case that contains the glazed pastry. Shirley the Love Interest hastens over and asks: “May I help you?”
Johnny taps the glass and says: “Yeah, gimme that pastry.”
Shirley then dreamily takes out two pieces of bread and adds many slices of meat, plus various other ingredients, resulting in a thick sandwich. She accomplishes all this absentmindedly while staring lovestruck at Johnny the Thug. Then she fetches a bottle of beer, and hands this and the enormous sandwich to Johnny, who says:
“Um, that’s nice; but I ordered a glazed pastry.”
Shirley apologizes in embarrassment and runs to the back room, then returns with a bottle opener in her hand. While opening the beer, she sprays foam all over Johnny the Thug. Shirley’s shame doubles, as she realizes what she has done. But Johnny is a good sport; he wipes himself off and remarks, “Thanks for the beer bath.” He then reaches behind the glass display, takes the pastry and says, “What do I owe ya?”
Shirley the Love Interest shakes her head and replies, “No charge.”
Now the gang members come into the bakery. As they stand there watching their leader Johnny eat the pastry and the sandwich, one gangster gives the Thug a nudge and says in an undertone: “Hey, Johnny, that bakery girl is head-over-heels for you. Why don’t you ask her to be your date for tonight’s shootout?”
Johnny the Thug looks over at Shirley the Love Interest, who is staring at him with hope and awe (she seems to have overheard the gangster’s question), but Johnny snaps back in answer, “Nah, that dame’s got no class.”
Shirley now looks disheartened.
§
Across the street is a studio apartment; it is the abode of William the Painter. He paints many portraits, but they are all of the same woman – his only true love: Shirley from the bakery.
Now Flash the Janitor enters the studio. He glances at the work on the easel and remarks, while cocking his head toward the picture: “You really love her, don’t you?”
William the Painter sighs and says: “Yes, I love her deeply and truly. I just hope that someday I can find the nerve to tell her so.”
A voice is heard shouting from the street below: “William! William! Where are you? Come out here, this instant! You’re late for work!”
William the Painter gasps and pulls the fob watch from his pocket and shakes it. He then shrugs and pats the shoulder of Flash the Janitor, saying: “Sorry, friend; gotta go – my boss is calling.”
William the Painter dashes out the front door. He is met by his boss, who is standing there scowling. They hasten to the Tailor’s Shop, which is next door to the bakery. As they go, they pass Shirley the Love Interest, who is on a ladder cleaning the window of her establishment. The ladder wobbles and falls, leaving Shirley hanging from the roof, like Jimmy Stewart at the start of Hitchcock’s Vertigo. William the Painter races over and hugs the dangling legs of Shirley, and he helps her safely to the ground.
William’s boss is enraged when he sees that his employee has made a detour to help the bakery girl. He screams at William the Painter to hurry up and take his place at his workstation, for a large lady is waiting in the Tailor’s Shop to have her measurements taken. William the Painter bids adieu to Shirley his Love Interest, then shuffles into the rear of the shop, where the large lady waits.
While William begins to stretch the measuring tape across the large lady’s torso, Johnny the Thug approaches the boss of the Tailor’s Shop, who is standing outside the entryway at the front window. Johnny holds out a pair of tickets and says: “Two for four bucks. You don’t want to miss this evening’s shootout.”
The boss lifts his hand to strike Johnny the Thug, but then he notices two gangsters standing on the other side of the street holding rocks and smirking. The boss then lowers his fist and reaches into his pocket instead. He hands Johnny the Thug four bills, saying: “I was going to hit you, but then I saw your colleagues standing there, and I feared that if I did not purchase a couple tickets from you, they would pitch their rocks through the window of my storefront.”
Johnny the Thug exchanges the tickets for the money and remarks: “You are a very smart man. See you tonight!” and with his hand he makes the sign of a shooting gun, then blows the imaginary smoke from his finger while leaving.
The boss shakes his head. He enters his Tailor’s Shop and goes to the back room where William is measuring the large lady. The boss addresses William: “You dance, don’t you?” and he holds out the two tickets that he just bought from the Thug: “Here, take these. They’re for tonight’s shootout.”
William the Painter, still holding the measuring tape around the large lady with one hand, takes the tickets in his free hand; first he smiles, then he frowns and says: “But, dear Boss, I haven’t any girl to take.”
The boss rolls his eyes, then he pantomimes waltzing and says: “Why not ask that bakery girl Shirley to accompany you – you’re in love with her, aren’t you? Well, there you go. Bring her as your date. She works right next door; you don’t need to walk far. Go on – do it! You two will make a hit.” The boss bumps his employee insistently while ghost-waltzing, to persuade William that this is a good idea.
William the Painter is lost in thought. Despite the large woman’s growing impatience with the measuring process, William spends a few moments gazing pensively at the tickets his boss has handed him – their text says:
William the Painter looks up at his boss, who is still pretending to waltz with an invisible partner. William nods and lets go of the measuring tape to shake the hand of his boss, thus officially accepting the gift of tickets. His boss slaps him on the back and waltzes out of the room. Before he leaves, he shouts to William: “I will deduct the cost of the tickets from your paycheck.”
The large woman who is supposed to be having her measurements taken is now visibly offended, as William runs from the room to go visit the bakery.
William the Painter enters the shop next door, and there he sees Shirley the Love Interest standing behind the cash register. She is staring dreamily at the empty bottle of beer, which she served earlier to Johnny the Thug. Shirley now notices that the Painter has entered the bakery: she wakes from her reverie and greets him, motioning for him to sit.
William takes a seat at the table, draws the tickets from his coat and stares at them shyly, not daring to speak to Shirley, who now stands with her back to the Painter; she keeps rubbing a washcloth in circles on the same spot of the countertop.
William finally speaks up. “I’d like to take you to tonight’s—”
Shirley turns and interrupts: “What’s that you say?”
William the Painter stammers: “I . . . I said I’d like to order a roast-beef sandwich.”
Shirley the Love Interest nods, leans over and reaches behind the counter, then sets a plate on the table.
William looks at what he has been served. The two pieces of bread seem to have nothing between them, but when he opens them up, he finds they are hiding a thin slice of turkey.
William the Painter strategically positions himself so that one of his hands is holding the sandwich up to his open mouth; while his other hand casually displays the two tickets with their text facing outward, to get the attention of Shirley the Love Interest.
When Shirley spies the tickets, she points and exclaims: “Ah! Who are you taking to tonight’s shootout?”
William puts down the sandwich without taking a bite, and smilingly replies: “I’d like to take you! — That is, of course, if you will go with me.”
At first, Shirley beams with eagerness, but then her expression quickly turns to sorrow: “No, I can’t,” she says: “I’ve got no class.”
William the Painter stands up confidently and announces: “I’ll give you real class! You can borrow the best clothes from the Tailor’s Shop!”
Shirley the Love Interest smiles and nods. The owner of the bakery now appears behind the counter; Shirley waves goodbye while she and William dash out the front door, holding hands.
§
Everyone is dressed to the nines for the shootout. William the Painter and Shirley the Love Interest walk through the entryway looking resplendent. William has on a black suit; Shirley is wearing a sparkling sheer gown.
The referee rings a large bell. The shootout begins.
Johnny the Thug is accompanied by a blonde beauty. Shirley notices Johnny immediately, while she and William the Painter are swaying about, because Johnny the Thug winks at Shirley when William’s back is turned. Then, a little later, Johnny and his date come near enough for him to whisper in Shirley’s ear – he says: “I’m impressed with how much class you have, now that you are all dressed up. Why don’t you ditch that loser and join me instead?” But before Shirley can answer, the circumstances of the shootout cause the two parties to become separated. (Bullets are flying.)
Shirley the Love Interest teeters on the verge of succumbing to temptation. A few moments later, she spots Johnny the Thug again, and she winks back at him, without her partner William noticing.
Johnny the Thug casts aside his blonde beauty and directly approaches Shirley the Love Interest. He pushes her apart from William the Painter and says: “Come with me for the remainder of the shootout.”
Shirley nods happily in acceptance. But then she stops and remembers William – she looks back and says to him: “Is it OK if I leave you?”
William the Painter is obliging. He resignedly bows. (Machineguns all around are making an intermittent racket: drrrrrrrr! drrrrrrrr!)
Shirley thus goes off with Johnny the Thug. As they stroll together, she says to him: “I was worried when you rejected me earlier at the bakery. Your poster is visible from our shop’s window: I see it all day, at work. I must admit, I have been crazy about you for a long time, Mister Johnny.”
The Thug smirks and says: “That doesn’t surprise me,” then he moves in for a kiss.
Shirley pulls back and says: “You’re moving too fast for me.”
He tries again, and she recoils sharply, saying: “No, Johnny!” and adds: “I’m not comfortable starting a family, just yet.”
Johnny ignores her and tries to trap her in his embrace. She slinks away. The Thug lunges at her; but she hastens backward. Since the area happens to be strewn with stacks of chairs, Shirley knocks over the chairs as she flees, to make it hard for Johnny to chase her.
Now William the Painter, while strolling alone, stumbles upon this clutter of upended chairs. He looks over and sees Shirley attempting to escape from Johnny the Thug. So William yells to Johnny: “Leave her alone – she is my true love!”
Johnny the Thug stops and turns and approaches William. He clutches the Painter by his necktie, and says: “What’s the idea, barging in here like you own the place – haven’t you ever heard of a doorbell?” Then he punches him in the face.
The Painter falls. Shirley the Love Interest gasps. (Bullets from the shootout keep whizzing and ricocheting.)
Johnny the Thug now props the unconscious William against the wall and begins to pummel the Painter.
Shirley cries out: “Stop! You’ll kill him!”
Johnny the Thug halts and turns his head slowly and says to Shirley: “Well, what do you say? Are you his girl or mine?”
Shirley frowns and says: “I’m yours.”
The Thug sneers, then lifts the body of William the Painter overhead, and tosses him into a puddle of mud.
Johnny’s gang members come and gather around their leader. The Thug points at the Painter in the mud, and they all laugh, while Shirley weeps.
[To be continued . . .]
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