02 May 2015

A selfie and 16 sworn statements

Fighting the evils of sense and logic has left me zero minutes to pet my blog. This is a grave sin – therefore, dear Lord, I beseech you to birth yourself and then slay yourself so that I can be forgiven. Nobody should neglect a blog like I’ve neglected this blog.

What to expect from the rest of the present entry:

I’ll share a sweet list of roughly sixteen statements (taken from my Twittering Machine) only after I post a candid self-shot that shall reveal the gritty truth of my existence. So, if you’d rather avoid looking at my physical appearance, just cover your eyes and scroll down the page while peeking through your fingers, until you see only words on the screen. Those words will probably be the ones that you wanted to read.

Obligatory image:

Here is a picture of me looking trashy wearing a plain white t-shirt.

I am striking the “soft gangster pose.” Note that there is a TV and a VCR on one side of me, and a silvery boom box on the other. Also, at the far right is an alarm clock with a digital display – it’s difficult to see, but I assure you that its numbers are laser-beam red. (No art is on the walls.) And I promise to get a decent haircut soon.

Sworn statements:

  • I paced back and forth so much that I wore a path in the carpet of my home, because I like to pretend that I’m a giraffe in the zoo.
  • “The Godfather is free for the next seven days.”
    —library receipt
  • I will answer any question gladly and wrongly.
  • Dreamt that I had a sleepless night. Awoke refreshed.
  • I simply cannot pour without spilling.
  • Feel free to monitor your capacity for becoming infatuated.
  • Don’t look now, but I think that our sayonara piñata is on the niño horse drinking a piña colada.
  • It’s OK to die.
  • Regarding chest definition, mine is indistinguishable from that of Spielberg’s extraterrestrial.
  • When I said that I was tickled pink, I meant that I was not yet thoroughly cooked.
  • Ah, so you DO exist even in Arcadia!
  • The generation of youth who are growing up in this Instant Info Age have reported officially that it is impossible to enjoy modern life.
  • [mows snow]
  • When all electronic devices become extinct, their alert noises will be memorialized in the sound of birdcalls.
  • I’m impressed by the versatility of scarves. A good scarf can double as a blindfold if you get kidnapped.
  • Ideally every footpath should be riddled with swollen worms and black plastic forks.


In case you didn’t hear, this week I released my first rap demo in the style of 1980s hip hop. It was recorded about a decade ago, but I didn’t want to begin my career as a professional rapper until I had finished my literary work. Thanks for trying to accept me as I am.

(Full lyrics are available if you click next to each track’s title on the album page.)


Anonymous said...

I was about to compliment you on the tweets that you posted on your blog, but then I was pleasantly distracted by your rap demo. Now I don't know what to say. I must apologize for not following your twitter feed, and it feels criminal that I am able to benefit from it anyways since I am stubborn about only following your blog. As for your rap demo, i am jealous. I have been attending the jazz temple every Sunday morning for mass. Now I am questioning my beliefs.
Yours truly,
Giant Closet Fan

Bryan Ray said...

Dear Giant Anonymous Closet Fan, don’t worry about Twitter: the whole reason I round up my postings here is to save myself the hassle of looking elsewhere; I’d rather have people follow this blog than the other accounts. And I don’t know what ‘jazz temple’ means, but it sure sounds awesome and amazing – I love jazz, so I hope that your belief in it stays strong.

Also, thanks for kindly feeling jealous about the demo. I grew up obsessed with sparse, lyric-centered, heavily percussive hip hop; I love a lot of the lesser-known performers from around the late 80s (I don’t like most of the new stuff that people label rap or hip hop). Now, in case it’ll help to give an idea of my influences, here is my five-way tie for favorite vocalist, and also my favorite five producers (both are listed in no particular order):

Nice & Smooth, KRS-One, Biz Markie, Kool Keith.

Ced-Gee, DJ Premier, The RZA, Large Professor, Greg Nice.


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