13 June 2015

Yelping in the distance

As for my fear of rain, it’s not something I’m proud of. I wish I could learn to love the natural shower and travel afoot without my wetsuit. And maybe I should take a class on small talk: that way, I might perchance befriend pedestrians.

Also, regarding the movie monster that I made, I’m surprised that you saw it! After I created the thing, I regretted bringing it to life; so I refused to pay for its business’s online advert; thus, in order to upload its self-portraits, it had to steal some of the savings from the local bakery. Then it had to learn how to paint.

Yelping, cont.

I investigate swamps with the members of the Fake Mammal Squad. One time I had a long fight with a werewolf (I changed his species when I wrote the article for that tabloid) – this beast even tried to bite the fur of my costume.

We ended up wrangling for hours. In the end, however, we admitted to admiring each other. This was despite the enmity that God had forced us to exhibit on the playing field. We discovered that we both love shooting wooden arrows into vampires; and that we disagree about politics and religion, which is loads of fun.

But, when leaving the woods after meeting this foe-turned-friend, my thoughts remained conventional. I was still an unhygienic, long-haired Sasquatch. It took years of study and constant prayer before I achieved the condition of insanity.

I was only 26 when I encountered my aforementioned adversary, whose name, by the zaniest coincidence, also was Monsieur Fox. I’ve never seen him again, for it is difficult to rendezvous successfully with magic beings who shun the light of day.

Yelping, concluded

To be honest, I think that I would have remained a beast of burden well into my dotage, had I not joined the Fake Mammal Squad.

The most devastating blow to my tractability occurred on that night when I managed to ensnare the moon (humdrum as this may sound) – you see, my custom had been to slope into the nearby pond every weekday, for untold hours of evening conversation; aiming thus to lull, in hopes of arresting, the moon’s reflection. For she was supposed to have challenged the entire host of the forest to try to diddle her into existence. – And nobody ever succeeded but myself.

4 comments:

kinky won said...

Bryan, I am so glad you can diddle successfully!!!!!!!!!!

Bryan Ray said...

I proudly accept the Nobel Prize for Diddling.

kinky won said...

You are a Noble person for announcing your ability to diddle successfully and it means so much more than what you have achieved, you have gifted the world with the knowledge that everyone can diddle because of the methodology you created. You Sir deserve all Nobel's an Laureates that come your way!

Bryan Ray said...

I did not know that becoming the diddling laureate would earn me a pension and a perquisite of wine. I can’t thank you enough for proving instrumental in my seizing of this honor semi-legally.

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