Animals are sometimes born to animals, and sometimes those newborn animals grow into adults. It is possible that a monkey known as Son is born to a set of parents named Mom and Pop.
One of the things that Son monkey does not want is to end up like Pop, because Pop is a judgmental bigot. And Pop is also very bad at pinball. Son would rather act with compassion toward all the creatures of the world, while winning at parlor games.
What happens is that Son hugs every crow and bovine that he meets. And the embrace of Son monkey is warm and genuine. Son also wins the local pinball championship, with a score of 700,000 points.
For monkeys, infancy spans the first year of life; then adolescence continues until age 26. After that, a monkey encounters adulthood. Now, adulthood for monkeys is exactly the same as it is for religions: no matter how hard you try to be different from your parents, you always end up looking exactly like a hypocritical serpent viper.
So Destiny drags poor Son towards a brand new monkey suit. This suit, which possesses its own volition, looks just like Pop. As soon as the suit is zipped up and made airtight, Son becomes a judgmental bigot: he loses his pinball skills, and his top score plummets.
Nowadays, instead of greeting all the crows and bovines with a warm embrace, Son monkey taunts them with scathing articles in online magazines. Instead of saving his lover from the law against adultery, Son monkey casts the first stone.
If I remember right, this essay contains at least two carrion crows, fifteen bovines, three simians, and a room full of pinball machines. Now I would like to introduce the Governor. With a flip of a switch, the Governor appears and shouts:
Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
This great saying causes the Monkey God to wake from his slumber. For the Monkey God was slumbering until this moment.
So the Monkey God gazes down from out of his mountainous cloud and looks around. What does he see? He sees Son monkey sporting the Pop suit and stoning adulteresses.
Now the Monkey God, who cannot lie and would never think of disobeying the Governor, must strap Son monkey upon a mini cross and parade him. Here is a still frame from the movie Even Dwarfs Started Small (1970):
This sacrament has the effect of opening the gates of freedom. Upon noting that all terror has been eliminated, the moneylenders and salesmen emerge from their cages and turn the tables upright. They straighten everything in the temple that Son monkey left untidy.
Plus, the Adam crow gets to be baptized in whitewash so that he may act an important role in Johnny Dipper’s dove-and-passion play.
I promise I’ll wrap this thing up after this here paragraph. I just gotta preach a couple more things. First: where there is a Governor, there’s sure to be a Government. And you’ve heard of church and state, right? Well, back in the day, everything was perfect: the Monkey God was the truest of all of the brides of the Founding Fathers. And there was no high court. But a hairline fracture in the marmoreal brain of Destiny caused the Monkey God to inherit the Big Mom Suit. So he’s basically got two suits on, at this point, and it gets hot in there.
So this is where we get the expression: Feel free to forgive or judge or love or hate or lose or save or live or die or not. We’re all cool here. And obviously right. Dear glamorous clickbait.
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