04 October 2015

Oct the 4th be with you

Complexity is undesirable. Cleverness is to be eliminated. Simplicity is scary because it might expose embarrassing elements that would have remained obscured amid a thornier presentation. Honesty is hard because it’s unnatural (civility is a lie; even more so is poetry, my first love, which helps me endure civility).

Being personal would be easy, if my aversion to the commonplace did not make it impossible; moreover, if Nietzsche’s observation is as accurate as I think it is, then anything inward must expire before it can be articulated, and one’s truly personal aspects will always remain unwritten anyway.

But I have a penchant for difficult pleasures: so the impossibility of doing so is just what entices me to strive to be more personal—I mean when writing these confessions. Look how far I’ve gotten in this present entry: more than 100 words of gesticulation and not a single message conveyed.

Also there’s this problem with personal revelations: they’re often boring. Why is this? I think it’s because we all feel them: anyone whose age is edging up on twoscore years is going to have some whiny thoughts about life. That’s why most of us begin our semi­autobiographical epic at the midpoint—Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita, as Dante always sez—and then we proceed on down into Heaven via Hell.

I never fathered any children because I don’t want any children: I hated being a child and I don’t want to pass along my genes. This sounds ugly because it’s the truth. Here’s the pluses and minuses:

On one hand, the choice is selfish: for I’d surely be the World’s Best Dad, with a coffee mug to prove it; also, my own genes, when mixed in an ice-filled shaker with my babies’ mamas’ genes, might end up producing good Christians rather than ornery cult-mongers. It is not necessarily true that mine evilness would contaminate all offspring.

On the other hand, this decision to abstain from fatherhood (at least biologically) is the height of compassion: for I’m saving not only my own potential offspring but all of their potential offspring from the Inferno that is life on planet Earth. And while you’re casting stones, throw a couple Jesus’s way; for he made exactly the same decision: zippo children. Although he added: “If they really want to see my act, then suffer them to come unto me—but only the little ones. And make it snappy. Now let’s get this over with.”

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. [Matthew 7:18]

When Jesus spoke the above words, here is what he meant. The U.S.A. is a frivolous, decadent place; that’s why its citizens’ writings are frivolous and decadent—it is inconceivable for us to be simple, honest, and personal; we only want to joke around, poke fun of others, cram some one-liners in before the main punchline. …Yet, who am I even speaking of, when I say “Jesus”? I’m talking about your mom.

I hope that when I become a mother, I set an example for the rest of the mothers who wish to write deeply and personally about their own children. It would be expected and therefore boring of me to say that I love my children. I hope that I have the courage to admit that I abhor them. I couldn’t learn to accept my kids if I spent a million life­times tolerating them: all I want is to undo the catastrophe of their birth.

My eldest son acts like he’s drugged, but he’s not even on drugs. We know that he’s drug-free, because we subjected him to blood and urine tests but found not even a single WMD.

My other son smokes tobacco and marijuana, binge drinks alcohol at parties, and takes hallucinogens during class in college. He admits to all of this, thru tear-filled eyes, during our emergency family con­ference. This son mostly enjoys watching football and hanging with the fellas. But it looks like he might consider attending grad school—what’s more, he takes an interest in auto repair! So I still have hope.

My daughter has been perfect in all her ways since the day that I created her, but I worry that she will soon become sexually active.

Here is a list of things that I hope to avoid:

  • rheumatoid arthritis
  • dementia
  • brain lesions
  • brain cancer
  • heart attacks that are not massive and fatal
  • macular degeneration
  • lupus
  • tooth decay
  • homelessness
  • incarceration.

I predict that this upcoming winter will be a good one. Something about it is going to be lucky for us all. I can feel it.

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