Dear diary,
I think that, wherever one goes during one’s day, there should be the option of adhering to a script — I mean like a movie or a play: so you can have lines to deliver. That way, if you have any impromptu remark you’d like to make, you can certainly voice it, and it will be welcome; however, in the case that you can’t think of anything to say, you can have the option of simply sticking to your pre-written lines: thus you can join in the ecstasies of conversation by reading your part from that particular situation’s script. You should be able to enter any establishment, look directly to your right, and see a collection of bound sheaves of papers in a wall-mounted clear crystal tray — this file folder organizer shall contain multiple copies of the current script, and each copy will have a different respective role highlighted, for easy reading. So, let’s say that you enter a café. Just look to your immediate right, grab a script, and begin! (The barista will naturally follow your lead, as she’s pretty much memorized her part — not because she’s been forced to learn it by rote, but because she’s already rehearsed it with a number of customers who preceded your entry.)
CUSTOMER (that’s you): Hello! Fine day outside — very chilly; I like it!
BARISTA: Yes it is. How can I help you.
CUSTOMER: But, damn, those birds are annoying!
BARISTA: They sure are. Almost as annoying as my boss.
CUSTOMER: Are you being serious or sarcastic?—I can’t tell; there’s no stage notation here, for what you just said. Is your boss truly giving you trouble?
BARISTA: Is it possible to have a boss and not suffer harassment?
[enter BOSS]
BOSS: Did somebody summon me?
BARISTA: Speak of the devil.
CUSTOMER: Hey, big boss man, I am a paying customer here at Café Bryan, and I don’t like the way that you treat your employees.
BOSS: You’re a paying customer? Really? What have you purchased?
CUSTOMER: Well I was just getting ready to place my order with the barista here, when you barged in and interrupted us with your toxic presence.
BOSS: Will the barista confirm your story? Maybe I’ll ask her... Barista, hey [snaps fingers], pay attention when I’m addressing you. Is this stupid jerk telling the truth?
BARISTA [rolls eyes]: He’s not exactly lying.
BOSS: Alright. Well then go ahead and order. I’ll just stand here and watch. I’ll even cross my arms like so.
[CUSTOMER approaches counter, stops before BARISTA but remains facing BOSS. The following is spoken loudly while standing nose-to-nose with BOSS.]
CUSTOMER: I’ll order one… small… coffee. Black as tar. And make it lukewarm so that it doesn’t burn the intended recipient, because I plan to splash the liquid right in the face of someone special. Also I would like to order a double vodka. Make that a double-double vodka.
BARISTA: Okay that’s one small coffee, lukewarm, and a double-double vodka. The total comes to 33 bolivars.
CUSTOMER: Put it on my tab.
BARISTA: Will do... [leaves room; then returns with the beverages in two small styrofoam cups] Here you go.
CUSTOMER [still facing BOSS]: Thank you.
[CUSTOMER slowly and deliberately removes lid from coffee cup; then splashes contents in face of BOSS.]
BOSS: Ai! Ai! Ai! [drops lifeless to floor]
CUSTOMER [sips from second beverage; then holds cup aloft for a toast]: Barista, I thank you for your service.
BARISTA: And I thank you for your service.
CUSTOMER [smiles, finishes drink; then tosses cup onto head of BOSS]: Sweet dreams, Lothario.
[exit CUSTOMER]
BARISTA [waving]: Come again.
So that’s the type of thing that I’d like to see happen more often in our world: You should be able to enter any shop or office or residence and simply grab the script from the holster at the right of the entryway, and play your part; instead of always having to come up with new things to say.
The reason I favor this idea is that it’s difficult to know how the souls involved desire each conversation to go. You never know if your fellow actors would rather speak short, staccato lines about surfacy issues, or if they’d prefer to dive right into the deep, personal revelations.
I myself prefer the latter; so my own script, which I’d keep beside my own house’s front door, would end in wild romance and fierce, fiery preaching that’d lead to general religious conversion. Whatever any visitor believes when they enter my abode, they will end up believing the opposite after they leave. And my script would end in marriage, cuz it would be a “happily ever after” type of scenario. So I’d acquire a lot of spouses, over the summer. (But that’s pretty much par for the course, when it comes to us cult leaders; we never learned how to share, or how to listen — we just hoard everything for ourselves.)
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