Same Story (part 10)

Dear diary,

But after seven days, the Rapture did in fact end; and those who remained on earth in the boat were left with a planet covered with water. It was stunningly beautiful.

To review, it started raining on Noah’s 600th birthday, on February 17th of postdiluvian Year Zero; and at that same instant, Jehovah’s team of underground engineers broke up the Fountains of the Great Deep, and caused them to gush water out onto the landscape; moreover the Windows of Heaven were all smashed by mirthful rioters, during the week-long Rapture Celebration up in the sky, and this caused a great deal more water to spill down than the globe had ever seen before — this was not your average rainstorm. And it kept on pouring and gushing, all at once, from both above and below the earth, for the duration of three fortnights, just as God predicted.

Now, for those who are just tuning in, who perhaps opened this report and flipped to the present page purely by happenstance, let me catch you up on what has transpired so far:

Jehovah God told Noah to build a boat. Then God raptured all the living creatures in the world, except a small remnant, and then made floodwaters drown the whole earth. But it was a pleasant drowning, just for fun: no living creatures got injured during this apocalypse. For all the animals, birds, and insects that were exempted from the rapture were trained by Noah to occupy rooms in his luxury liner, which was like a tri-story apartment building crossbred with a cruise ship. He even invited the three sons of Lilith to share his own suite. (Lilith was Noah’s playmate, back then; she also would often picnic with Jehovah.) And it’s important to remember that the animals were all consensual adults of childbearing age, and they were paired off into couples, maintaining a room balance of one male per female, except in the case of saleable creatures who stayed seven to a room at a gent-lady ratio of four to three, for the purpose was to increase and multiply flesh.

Once everybody was safely inside the boat, Jehovah himself lifted up the ramp-door and sealed it tight. (He was a hands-on God.) I forgot to tell you this detail earlier, so I’m putting it here.

And the flood went on for three full fortnights, give or take a couple days. The waters increased and buoyed up the boat so that it floated above the earth. The sea levels rose so high that even the mountains were immersed. More than twenty thousand leagues upward did the waters advance. Only the very tallest mountains still had their tiptop visible: this was so that Jehovah would have someplace to stand while observing the spectacle.

And all flesh that formerly inhabited the earth (I’m talking about all the creatures who did NOT board Noah’s boat) got raptured by the heavenly flame-wagons. Even the beasts got raptured. Sheep and goats were invited to sit in the booth, in the carriage of the chariot, when it came down into the field to pick them up; and they got taxied into the sky. Every single creeping thing that creeps upon the ground got raptured likewise. Even the birds got raptured — fliers themselves got flown away! — here’s how it happened:

A flaming chariot swoops in from outer space and hovers alongside a bird as it’s gliding. The bird tilts its head to see What is this burning thing that’s keeping pace with my flight? And the radiant beings who are standing in the booth behind the pilot offer a salute, and wave to the bird, indicating that they are friendly, and that they mean no harm. Then they shout, while flying thru the air:

“Peace, bird; fear not, but be of good cheer; for we are here to save you!”

Now the beings in the chariot extend a long pole over the sideboard, having a large net at its end; and they enclose the bird gingerly, careful not to ruffle its feathers; then draw it back into the carriage, retrieve the creature from out of the net, and stroke its head while cradling it. Then they blast back up into heaven like a tornado.

All the human earthlings got raptured as well, aside from Noah and his clan. Every being in whose nostrils was the breath of life got taken to space by the flaming sky-patrol. That whole generation was found worthy of eternal life in heaven. Just above, I explained how it worked for creatures who were airborne, because I hadn’t revealed that fact yet; but for the land creatures, whether bipeds or bovines, the procedure for rapturing went pretty much the same as the taking of Abel, the brother of Cain — if you want to refresh your mind about the details, go back and read that story, which can be found near the beginning of this here report — I’m not going to explain the whole thing again: I refuse to repeat myself.

So the world of earthly life got started over. Instead of Eve and Man populating the globe alone, now it’s Noah and all the members of his family (his playmate Lilith & her sons & daughters, etc.) endeavoring to re-populate the globe.

And planet Earth looked like a teardrop hovering in the blackness of outer space, because now its entire surface was covered with water. Normally the planet appears blue and green with white swirls, when you view it from a rocketship; as lakes are blue, land is green, and clouds are white; but now the place was 100% wine-dark, since the whole sphere was one vast sea — that’s why earlier I referred to it as a “mono-ocean”. (I now regret not merging those two terms into a coinage: monocean.) Only the tips of the tallest mountains peaked above sea-level, at only the highest points on earth, like Mount Oreb in China, where Jehovah God now stood, waiting for Noah’s ship. He had the patience of a saint; for he remained there waiting like that for 150 days: that’s how long the flood lasted. If he hadn’t been able periodically to teleport over to the boat in person and check on his friend, God might have surmised that he had been jilted.