Dear diary,
So, fast forward to the part of the tale when the big boat is finished. Look at it, sitting there on what appears to be astroturf: it’s a really big boat. Three stories tall, with many rooms, made entirely of gopher wood and pitch-based sealant.
Noah stands before the boat, casually sipping his drink. The boat’s ramp-door is down, and Jehovah God is standing in the entryway, gesturing to Noah and saying:
“Has your family had a chance to look around in here, Mr. Noah? It’s fantastic! I think all the animals are really gonna like this place. Did you build it yourself, or hire out most of the work? Wow, great job! Topnotch craftsmanship, trustworthy construction; everything feels sturdy… I knew I was right to choose you to be my Man. I can’t remember the last time a project went so quickly and turned out so close to what I had imagined.
“Now, like I was telling you at the start,” continues Jehovah, “we need to fill this vessel with living beings, so as to conserve a sample of the various types of earthfolk. How many of each did I stipulate to bring along with you? Yes, that’s right: of every beast that’s attractive, you should board precisely seven. (And I mean ‘attractive’ in the commercial sense — any type of being that’s good for selling as pets or food; such as pigs or rabbits.) Why seven of each? Because that allows for three couples plus one bonus creature. The couples shall possess opposing sexes, so that they can copulate fruitfully and keep replenishing whatever offspring that you and the other beasts consume. And the extra being shall be male, so that he can relieve any other male who, on a night, is too tired to perform. For physical mating is arduous work: it takes its toll on a fellow; sometimes you simply need a rest, and it’s nice to have a neighbor to fill in for you.
“Ah, yes, and of all the types of less-attractive beasts, you should board them in pairs, two-by-two. And, I repeat: make sure that every duo has gender parity; this will facilitate the process of procreation.
“Now, it won’t be absolutely ruinous if you make an honest mistake and accidentally board same-sex playmates — don’t panic: in that case, I can help out. I’m just asking you to try your best to select, if possible, nymphomaniacs that are fertile and hetero. (There’s nothing moral about this request; I’m just trying to keep seed alive upon the earth.)
“Alright, now I will give the rundown of what’s gonna happen, when the plan gets set in motion. And I’m gonna talk fast, so pay attention.
“For seven days, I’m gonna be expediting souls up into heaven. I estimate that that’s how long it’ll take my legions to complete the rapture of this perfect generation, via their flame-wagons.
“After the rapture, once every living substance that I have made is, so to speak, preserved in Amberland (with the exception of your family and shipmates), I will cause it to rain upon the earth for roughly three fortnights.
“And that’s basically it,” sez Jehovah. “Any questions?”
Thus Noah arranges for all of God’s specifications to be met. And he fulfills the contract flawlessly.
Now it happens that the rain begins to fall on Noah’s anniversary: he turns 600 years old, today. He and his family are outdoors, having a picnic. They are singing the birthday song. On the table before them sits an enormous cake adorned with countless candles, all ablaze. Suddenly, hiss! the candles are extinguished by a downpour.
Shielding his glass from the torrent, Noah hastens into the boat. He is followed by his sons, daughters, and their respective playmates & offspring. Then come the beasts, dashing in from the wilderness, and from the surrounding jungles and deserts. During the prior months, they’d been practicing this “flood drill” obsessively; so all the creatures know just what to do. It’s an exemplary performance, by the way; they comport themselves with aplomb.) Beings both commercially viable and otherwise approach with swiftness and enter the boat in an orderly fashion. They all find their lodgings on the level that’s been assigned to them, gently secure the door (some even remember to display the “do not disturb” sign), and begin their mating rituals.
For the first seven days of rain, the shipmates can hear the steamy hissing of the Chariots of Fire rapturing all the non-boatgoing earthfolk. About this matter, there is some minor trepidation expressed by the crew, as they recall Noah claiming that God’s intention was to conclude the rapture before inaugurating the flood. However, the Pantheon apparently deemed it more effective to let the exploits overlap, during that initial week. Jehovah himself is kind enough to visit the boat personally to explain this, in response to Noah’s distress signal; and Lilith accompanies him, so she finally gets to see the inside of this “aqua brothel” that everyone in space has been raving about. The suite that her playmate reserved for her seems to impress her — she’s amused to find that it contains a genuine waterbed.
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