Same Story (part 8)

Dear diary,

But remember that fellow Noah, whom I told you about before? He was introduced in the part of the story that ended just above the recent Sex-Goddess invasion. Recall that I said:

Noah was a big deal, and God really liked him; for he was special — he figured out a way to transform all the acres of his forefather’s farmland into vineyards, which then yielded wine and spirits.

OK, so Noah found favor in the eyes of Jehovah. But it was mostly on account of his alluring playmate. Behold, this part of the report deserves a book of its own...

Book 3: The generations of Lilith

Once upon a time there was a fellow named Noah, who had the distinction of being known more for the allure of his playmate than for his own accomplishments in the world. His playmate’s name was Lilith. She was perfect in every way from the day that she was made. Actually, Lilith was not even made: she had no official creation-date. Jehovah would always refer to her as unbegotten, since he knew not how she came to be; and, lacking any memory of her beginning, he also called her unbegun.

Yes, Lilith was the only human whom Jehovah God did not have a hand in crafting. And she was indeed human; she was not one of the Goddesses who came down from the outer darkness. Somehow, she was always right there, in the garden of God. She wore a translucent covering that had every precious stone (sardius, topaz, diamond, etc.); and she was known as “The Queen of the Whatness” — that’s how she preferred to be referred to. And she spent her days pacing in the midst of the stones of fire, chanting poetry.

Jehovah was infatuated with Lilith; tho he remained puzzled by her wisdom and beauty. Most of the things that exist in this world are either beautiful OR wise — rarely are they both. But Lilith was both. In her presence, the God would fancy himself “Prince Jehovah”, to compliment her Queenhood. They had this sort of role-playing routine that they would enjoy — and, in truth, the twain did look like a royal couple. Often Prince Jehovah would cry: “O Lilith, thou art of perfect beauty. Thou sealest up the sum, full of wisdom! thou art perfect in thy comeliness.”

And Lilith trusted in her beauty, and wisely used it. She poured out her fornications on every passerby.

Now, being perfect, Lilith was boundless and ever-changing: she was, as it were, Possibility Incarnate. So, in that early human epoch, she deigned to take as playmate the first neo-male, the original Man’s post-flood replacement, or surrogate, Noah; from whom she would later part amicably to wed Prometheus, in the first and only marriage in all of spacetime. And, during her stint with Noah, Lilith would routinely picnic with God. Thus did she beget three sons from Jehovah: the aforesaid trinity of messieurs, Shem, Ham, & Japheth. (More on them later.)

Planet Earth also, I repeat, had entered a sweet spot with regard to holy behavior, because of the space invasion of the Goddesses above: the globe was brimming over with lust. Jehovah looked upon his creation, and, lo, it was hot! By which he meant it was utterly erotic: ALL flesh had reached an apex of sensual enjoyment.

So God said to Noah: “The endgame of existence has been attained. It is too good to let fall back into entropy: I’m saving this creation; it is a masterpiece. The earth is filled with friendship & lovemaking; and the conversations continually suffusing the atmosphere are exquisite, and they accompany the fleshly caressings, and precede and succeed them. This is as it should be: a constant, effortless blending of bodies & souls, rendering sexual & verbal intercourse indistinguishable. The artwork that I have made, this creation on earth, has turned out well; now I’ll frame it. Yes, I’ve decided to save this world, Mr. Noah; I’m going to rapture everyone, using my host and their fiery chariots, and haul all these fine furnishings up to heaven. But I’ll leave you here to serve as my new Man, my species-starter, because I like you. We’ll see if, together, we can make another artwork as fine as the first: a ‘next phase of humankind’ or what you will. I’m moved to do this purely on a whim; no other reason. And I love your elixirs; I’d like to see what happens if we base an alt-creation upon their inebriant spell. Absinthe, et cetera. Also Lilith, your playmate, I will allow to come & go as she pleases. Like I said, everyone else I’ll keep in heaven, but Lilith may go to & fro in heaven OR earth, and she may walk up & down in either place; so that she may keep the spark alive and (as one of her star-crossed suitors shall someday phrase it) ‘pour out her fornications on all who pass by’. She is the one flair of eternity that I am most fond of. What I’m trying to say, in summary, is this: I’m taking everyone away, and you’ll be left here alone, with just a skeleton crew, so to speak. And remember: don’t expect Lilith to be always haunting Eden.”

Noah raises his drink and clinks glasses with Jehovah, signifying that they are in accord about these matters. And God continues:

“Now, after the rapture, I’m gonna open the windows of heaven, and lift all the floodgates; cuz my plan is to get you, my friend, on a slow boat to China. I’ll find the tallest mountain in that region, and wait for you there. But I’ll keep checking in on you, periodically, to note how you’re doing (I’m interested in seeing how things will appear from inside the vessel; I’ve always wanted to work as a mariner); but I’ll mostly be waiting for you, somewhere out there — it’ll be another game that we play, like ‘hide & seek’, or ‘death & rebirth’. And the global wash will give the earth a clean look: it’ll cause all sorts of weird new greenery to appear, after I tell the flood to recede: like a planetary makeover — that’s my hypothesis. Plus it’ll be fun to just coast for a while, on the mirror-smooth surface of the mono-ocean, and to gaze out of the porthole and see nothing but liquid and sky, in a blue-gray horizon.”

Noah nods.

“Now, I’m gonna need you to build a boat,” continues Jehovah; “do you think you can do that?”

Noah nods.

“Alright; here’s the blueprint. I drew it up last night while Lilith and I were picknicking. You’re gonna need to purchase gopher wood — a LOT of it. Whatever you can get at the local stores, buy it up. If you find that you need more than they keep at the warehouses, order it to be shipped in from abroad. As a last resort, chop it yourself: There’s a whole forest of gopher wood in the wilderness, south of Eden. Stock up on pitch, too. I’ll need you to construct many rooms inside this boat, and you’ll need to seal all the places where one piece of wood joins another. I don’t want any freshwater getting inside of the boat; cuz most of the inhabitants that I’m gonna ask you to take along on your journey will be saltwater creatures; and, if beings who are accustomed to lapping up saltwater mistakenly stick their tongue in some freshwater, it could make them go frigid (I mean, with regard to bedroom activities), which would be detrimental to our plan; for this cruise should be one long honeymoon for all aboard — like a mating season on steroids — so it is imperative that all passengers remain in heat. You’re only going to have two subjects of each type of life form, and it’ll be hard to extend their ancestral line if they’re prude. Anyone who is confused about the purpose of this mission, tell them to follow this current generation, the one I’m rapturing, as an example.

“Now, the boat,” continues Jehovah, “shall have the following dimensions (this is important; it’s gotta look just like the one I saw in my dream): it shall be 300 cubits long, exactly 50 cubits wide, and 30 high.”

Noah sips his drink. The ice cubes clink in his glass.

“And it’ll have one narrow window for a porthole, up at the top,” sez Jehovah, “and one door. Put the door at the side of the boat, for easy access — you should install its hinges at the bottom, so that it opens downward and serves as a ramp: we can use this to lead our guests up into the boat, and show them to their rooms. It’ll be kinda like managing a Giant Floating Hotel. And it’ll have three stories, whose rooms shall be numbered in accordance with their position, so the rooms in the lower story will be numbered ‘101.. 102… 103…’ etc. (the ‘hundred’ figure stands for level one); and the mid level will span the two-hundreds; then the top level, where you will stay, and where occasionally I will visit you, with Lilith, will go from 300 up. And we’ll charge guests a nightly rate; but we’ll keep the prices low, to be fair, cuz there’ll be no place else for them to go. I don’t want our customers to feel that they’ve been ripped off.”

Noah nods.

“And, to be clear, let me reiterate,” Jehovah continues: “I myself, personally, will bring a flood upon the earth, after I rapture all flesh that is picknicking here right now; and I will fetch them to heaven in blazing chariots, which shall burst from out of the clouds like bolts of lightning. And, once all the land has been vacated, a flood will come and cover the face of the globe. The whole surface will be nothing but water. The sight will be sublime. From heaven’s vantage, Earth will look like the twin sister of Venus. (The joke is that Venus is also a very wet planet.) But, I will wait to do this — I’ll only flood the earth after the dreamboat’s construction work is finished. (It would be pointless to do so beforehand: that would ruin my whole idea of saving a remnant of creatures.) And I’ll have my secretaries draw up a contract between you & me, Mr. Noah, and the terms will be just. I’ll even personally escort you into the boat; also your sons, and Lilith (if she pleases); plus whichever daughters of heaven have become your family’s playmates, and any heroes they’ve produced.”

Noah raises his eyebrows while continuing to sip.

“And of every living thing of all flesh that currently inhabits this globe of earth,” Jehovah continues, “a double sampling of every style of creature (that is, a pair) you shall invite into the boat, like I explained, to accompany you on your adventure. (All the rest of every kind, I’ll whisk away in the universal rapture; I’m only asking you to care for two of each.) Wolves; vultures; grizzlies — any being that you can find: you’re gonna want to try to keep them happily fertile. And make sure that both members of each duo consent to being playmates: that’s important, cuz, as soon as all life dries up, you’re gonna want them to breed like mad. There’s gonna be a lotta land that we’ll need them to replenish. Yes, this should be fun.

“Oh, and you’re gonna need food for the crew, and for your animal guests. You know those little tubes of gel that nurses feed to infant astronauts? Take a bunch of those along. You yourself can survive on spirits alone, Mr. Noah, but your shipmates and all the cruise-goers should have proper meals. Avoid letting their caloric intake dip below death-level. Again, we don’t want many customers posting hateful reviews on our website, and giving us a rating of only one or two stars out of five. My plan is to make this catastrophic revamp a tradition, a recurring festival; I don’t want it to be a one-time affair. For I read somewhere that a startup cannot thrive without a sustainable business model — or something like that.”

Here Noah raises his glass, takes his leave, and arranges for the completion of all that God has commanded.