Same Story (part 5)

Dear diary,

Then Jehovah approached and said unto Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?”

And Cain said, “I know not. For a chariot from heaven appeared, and the horsemen thereof drove it towards my brother, and smote the table, and drew my brother Abel away from his dinner plate, so that they parted hither and thither: and Abel went over.”

And Jehovah said, “All is as it should be. Your brother is alive and well somewhere. I can hear his blood crying praises to me from heaven.”

And Cain said, “What should I do? Should I try to rescue him, and bring him back to the earth?”

And Jehovah answered and said, “On the contrary; it is an honor to be taken away like so. The earth is good, but heaven is better. All moves onward and outward, nothing collapses; and to be swept up into the sky, in a spaceship, is different from what any one supposed, and luckier. — Therefore, blessed be the darkness of outer space, which has opened her mouth to receive your brother Abel from our hand. Henceforth, when you till the ground of your farmland, it shall yield unto you her strength TWOFOLD; because you offered of your harvest, unto your brother, a double portion: for you gave me only one gift; but you gave him more.”

And Cain said unto Jehovah, “This reward is greater than I expected. It makes up for my brother being taken. Events are fair here.”

And Jehovah said, “I am pleased that you are pleased. Now, because I like you, O Cain my firstborn, let me shower you with many bonus blessings. Is it true that you are a farmer? Well then you shall need to stay put, on the earth: you shall require a permanent residence, so that you can cultivate the soil — it would not do to make you a fugitive and a vagabond, who must keep wandering from place to place: that type of lifestyle would not agree with one whose calling is agriculture — you need stability; therefore I will establish a barn for you, upon these acres of Eden, for ever. And there shall not fail to be a crew of farmhands to assist you with your chores, every day. I will also ensure that you always have ample funds to pay your hired help, so that there will never be any such thing as a general strike; and I myself shall serve as your bank, to extend you loans, in case you ever wish to expand your farming enterprise. In fact, scratch that: I’ll just cause you to have an enormous family, so that you all collectively may own and operate your business together — this shall eliminate the need to process payroll. And as a reminder that I have promised all these things to you unconditionally, I now shall brand the sign of the cross on your forehead.”

This is why, unto the present day, all the offspring of Cain are born with a cross-shaped birthmark centered directly above their face. (They themselves can behold this mark when they look in a mirror.)

And Cain went out from the presence of Jehovah, and dwelt in the barn of his farm, on the west side of Eden.

And Cain enjoyed a picnic with his playmate; and she conceived, and bare Enoch. And Cain named the factory farm of his family after his firstborn: Enoch Estates.

And at the very same moment when Cain was picnicking with his playmate, his mother Eve was also enjoying yet another picnic with Man and Jehovah God, on the far side of Eden. And she bare a son, and called his name Seth: “For God,” cried Eve, “has appointed me another seed, instead of Abel whom he took.”