Same Story (part 6)

Book 2: The generations of Eve

Now let’s review what we’ve learned. In the beginning, God created the first human being: she was made in the likeness of God; thus she contained both male and female parts. And God blessed this being, and allowed her to name herself; and she chose the name Eve. Then God performed an operation and removed the male part from this first human, and placed it upon a second body, to make a playmate for the first; thus inflicting upon humankind the dichotomy known as sex, or gender, and ensuring that the bulk of their offspring would remain preoccupied with this game of poles and holes.

And Eve lived 130 years, and begat a child in her own likeness, and after the image of Jehovah God; and called his name Seth.

And, after she had begotten Seth, Eve remained on earth for exactly 800 more years: and, during this time, she begat many other sons and daughters. (She was an avid picnicker.) So, the grand total amount of time that Eve played on earth amounted to 930 years. Then the heavenly horsemen took her. (I’m pretty sure these figures are correct — but don’t quote me; I’m not a math surgeon.)

And Seth lived 912 years before he got taken. And I could tell you the names and lifespans of all the rest of the line of Seth, because I have the facts memorized; but I’ll spare you the most tedious details and just inform you about what is most interesting, which is their names; because names are fun to pronounce:

OK, so after Eve begat Seth, Seth begat Enos, who then in turn begot Cainan, who turned around and shot forth Mahaleel (only sons: how mysterious), who then begot Jared, who misbegot Enoch...

Now let’s stop for a second, right here, and note one minor fact about this lad named Enoch. It’s exactly the same name that Seth’s older brother Cain named his firstborn. Here’s a verbatim quotation of the relevant passage, from the first book above:

And Cain enjoyed a picnic with his playmate; and she conceived, and bare Enoch. And Cain named the factory farm of his family after his firstborn: Enoch Estates.

Now this Enoch, who was born to Cain’s replacement-brother Seth (Seth, you will recall, is the living, breathing amendment for the error of Abel) multiple generations after Cain, is the same individual who was born to his uncle’s offspring’s thrice-great grandfather Cain himself, and after whom Cain named the family business. How can this be, you ask? I’ll tell you:

When the Cain-born Enoch mis-became the post-Seth Enoch, as soon as he reached the childbearing age of 65, he gave live-birth to what would be the longest-living human EVER: this freak-of-nature was named Methuselah (do not think “Male Medusa” when you say it), and he lived 969 years. For this accomplishment, the post-Seth Enoch was rewarded with a perfect lifespan of 365 years — yes, years not days (for 365 days equals just one regular year, whereas 365 years equals a daemonically sanctioned “black-hole moment”; that’s why it’s celebrated in heaven). So, having brought forth this elderly infant at his sixty-fifth birthday party, Enoch picnicked with God for 300 bonus anniversaries, and begat additional sons and daughters; and then he vanished; for the chariot picked him up. BUT while he was abducted, he managed to discover a staircase that led back down to the earth; and that’s how he ended up in the past, on Enoch Estates, as the pre-Seth Enoch, who got born before he was born to his ancestor Cain, and then lived happily ever after — and I mean FOREVER: he never technically got snatched back, because Cain’s factory farm was blessed by Jehovah God, in writing, so its status as a corporation could never be dissolved, and Enoch was the Chief Executive Officer of that establishment, whose term had no limit: he simply kept playing upon the earth, as he does to this day. Heaven cannot legally retake him.

So then Methuselah, Enoch’s firstborn — the oldest babe yet — begat Lamech, who then begat Noah. Now this Noah is special, because he figured out a way to turn all the acres of his great-grandfather’s farm into vineyards and such, which produced fine wines and spirits. So all that land that formerly yielded mandrakes now was converted into something much usefuller. And that’s why you barely ever hear about people dining on mandrakes anymore: that’s considered barbaric; it’s far more common for modern, sophisticated humans to sip beverages like absinthe. The wisest earthlings begin imbibing prior to their day of birth and then continue indefinitely.

So Noah was a big deal, for God really liked him. Jehovah dealt with Noah directly, not with notes and memos delivered by assistants: God got right out there and spoke to his colleague face-to-face. Yes, Jehovah was a hands-on God, when he desired to be. He even gave Noah’s playmate Lilith three sons (at least): Mr. Shem, Mr. Ham, and Mr. Japheth.