Same Story (part 15)

Dear diary,

Now, after Noah got spaceshipped up to heaven, it was incumbent upon the three sons of his playmate Lilith to conquer the universe; and by “conquer” I mean “inhabit”. So messieurs Shem, Ham, and Japheth produced so many offspring that you couldn’t even name them all: no, even if you dedicated an entire chapter to listing their names, it would be impossible; for the number of their children swelled & expanded & increased & multiplied until they inhabited every corner of this planet, and then they spread to other planets until they had settled the solar system; then they moved on to colonize the galaxy, and all the other places in the outer darkness. Soon the universe was theirs.

No, I’m just kidding — all they did was overrun Earth. But that’s still a pretty decent accomplishment: it would be a lot of work even just to fill a moon full of babies that you yourself made.

Think about it: There were just those three businessmen, plus their playmates, plus all the Goddesses that had joined their clan during the space invasion, plus any heroes (or “giants”) that those Goddesses had brought forth, and lastly Lilith the Queen of the Whatness. — With this bare-bones staff, the posse picnicked itself to a planet-sized populace. (Whoever their handlers were, they could’ve named this mission “Project Bootstrap”, because they made it from rags to riches.)

Yes, somehow they managed it: they replenished the entire globe with human beings. And the whole earth spoke the same language and had the same speech. There were no foreign accents, as their frequent intercourse with one another kept them enunciating fairly similarly. For everyone was part of the same big family: they were all one global country without any borders. And they shared everything alike. They lived according to the principle “To each according to her desire; from each according to her genius.” They didn’t even have to worry about anyone’s needs or abilities, because everyone simply loved everyone: that was enough.

So they didn’t employ auto-translation devices, because: why? Any new word that popped into the vernacular, slang or whatever, or even future-lingo like geekspeak or jargon terminology, these usages would be added to the dictionary as quick as the lexicographers could inscribe them. (Back then, they etched everything upon marble tablets.) Seriously, even if it were possible to invent a foreign word, then that word would be immediately adopted into the universal tongue.

Now it comes to pass, on Saturday (that’s today), that ALL the citizens of the globe hold a planet-wide conference, and every earthling gladly attends.

Now one of the magdalenes steps up to the podium and proclaims the following speech into the microphone:

“Hi, my name is Magor-missabib. I have a suggestion for what our United Country should do, moving forward. My idea is that we journey to the east, to that great plain in the land of Shinar, and set up shop. We will all be able to fit there — of this I am sure: for I measured the space. I just think that it would be fun, if we all lived in a nexus of houses surrounding one tall tower, for a generation or more. It would be a nice change from our current way of life, where we’re all either wanderers or suburbed out over the earth, and we do not get to see or touch any of our potential lovers who live faraway.”

So they take a vote, and the populace approves. Thus, on the morrow, they saddle all their asses and journey from the east, until they reach the land of Shinar; and they set up shop there, in the great and vacant plain.

Now they say, one lover to another, as soon as they’re settled: “Yo, should we not invent a material that is stronger than brick, and harder than stone? Then let us agglutinate this newfangled element with a state-of-the-art mortar that is even gummier than slime!”

So they invent the elements of adamant and obsidian (they were only aiming at inventing one good substance, but they ended up inventing two — that’s how innovative they are); and then they opt to bond these building materials together with a product called ULTRA-MAGNETISM.

So the population of earth — that is, all the humans in existence — gather in Shinar and build a city. They do not waste time arguing about who is going to pay who for what, and how much, etc. They just cooperate, for the sake of camaraderie. That’s how they get so much done, so fast.

Then, right in the midst of the city, they build up a tower. And they make the tower so high that its top reaches heaven. This is performed in accordance with a suggestion that Magor-missabib made in an additional speech, which she delivered sometime after the one reprinted above. While humanity was trekking from their various former residences in the grand pilgrimage to Shinar, she addressed them via bullhorn:

“I’m just brainstorming here, but why not construct our new houses so that they’re wide and low to the ground, and single-story; this way, it’ll be easier to do maintenance work on their siding and rooftops. And we should reinforce the strength of every roof, and devise the tops of our houses so that they’re all the same height: they should be perfectly flat, super thick, and sturdy enough to support whole herds of commuters. Then let us make wide, smooth, extra-strong bridges on all four sides of each roof, to connect every roof to every other roof, so that our rooftops form an alternative network of travel: a second system of roads above the roads at ground-level. A high-way, literally. And this grid of interconnected rooftops will be soundproof; thus the constituents of our city’s business community can walk or bike across them with abandon, and yet whoever lives within each house will never notice the noise of the traffic overhead. You could hear a pin drop.

“Moreover,” Magor-missabib concluded, “regarding our skyscraper: the high-rise that we shall build smack dab in our city’s center — this Dark Tower should serve as our public commons, so that it contains all the cultural and natural resources that are accessible to all members of our society. And let’s make its top to surpass heaven: it should surge above the topmost layer of clouds and even penetrate the exosphere. This way, we shall no longer need to wait on the horsemen and their flame-wagons to drag us into eternity; instead, we can just take our elevator to Floor Umpteen, wait a sec for the doors to slide open, then step directly into that golden museum.”