Dear diary,
Alright, now, finally we’ve reached the part of the novel where I can tell you about Lilith’s sons: Mr. Shem, Mr. Ham, and Mr. Japheth.
These three businessmen are important, because it was entirely up to them to replenish the earth’s populace. I mean earth’s human populace, of course — other animals like squirrels and crows could take care of themselves, in that department — therefore every human who exists on earth, to this day, stems from the line of either Shem, Ham, or Japheth — that’s also why we’re all businesspersons of one sort or another. And, yes, ultimately, we humans are all the children of Lilith, as she was the mother of this trinity.
Now recall that Lilith’s playmate was the man Noah. Let’s follow him around for a spell:
The first thing Noah does, after landing the boat on the mountaintop and then throwing Jehovah God a barbecue picnic, is walk a few blocks north-northwest to check back in with Enoch Estates, the eternal farm that belongs to Cain, and of which Mary is the heiress (this fact will make sense by the end of this chapter), and where Noah is employed. All the days of his life, he has faithfully worked in the lab there; however, Noah hasn’t showed up in over three fortnights, due to the inclement weather. So now he looks to see how his vineyards and farmland are doing. It turns out that they’re now yielding an abundance of wines and spirits, of the choicest quality — again, this is likely due to the recent floodwaters, which offered refreshment to the earth.
Noah fills his glass with spirits, so as to test them. (“Try the spirits” — I John 4:1.) They are very good. So he places a couple of bottles into his suitcase and heads back to China, where he and Lilith have been living as of late. For, when the big wooden boat that he had built crashed and burned at the base of Mount Oreb, Noah was able to salvage the part of the vessel which constituted the suite where he, Lilith, and her kids had stayed throughout their seafaring days: This became their new home. The place was large enough for everyone in the family to have their own room, and there were red drapes, not doors, separating the living quarters. Each compartment had its own unique decor. And Lilith’s room had a queen-size waterbed.
So Noah opens the drape of Lilith’s chamber and holds out the bottles.
“Ooh! fine idea,” sez Lilith; “I’ll go get some stemware.”
After toasting to the new world, they partake of Noah’s offering. Lilith reclines on the waterbed and begins an impromptu speech. Noah joins her on the bed.
Meanshile, in the adjacent boardroom, Mr. Shem, Mr. Ham, and Mr. Japheth are conducting a business meeting:
“Look what I found on the table in front of the vanity mirror in my dressing room,” Ham sez to his brethren; “it’s a message in a bottle.”
Ham uncorks the top from the glass and retrieves the scroll from within. The roll of paper is slightly bigger than what one might find inside of a modern fortune cookie.
“The bottle must have washed in with the recent flood” sez Ham; “it could have been floating for centuries...”
“But the flood lasted only a few months,” Japheth interrupts.
“Yes, but look,” cries Ham, pointing to the bottle’s inscription: “The return address sez ‘Oedipus, Christ of Thebes, from the Future’. So he probably sent this to us long hence, as a warning, because he knew that the Great Flood would carry it, and there was a good chance that the bottle would find its way into our boat, on account of the way that Jehovah God drains away floodwater: it always funnels to the grating at the base of Mount Oreb, where we remain parked. Anyway, it ended up in my room. Now do you want me to read you the message?”
“Yes, show us the message!” shout Shem and Japheth.
“Alright,” Ham unrolls the small scroll. “It looks like a verse from some ancient scripture.”
“Read it!” sez Shem; “I can’t make out those characters; it’s all Greek to me.”
“Actually, this script is ancient Hebrew,” explains Ham (Ham has serpentine smarts); “apparently it’s from some sort of code of law. It ends with a citation, but I’ve never heard of that source. Here’s the translation:
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER embrace the nakedness of thy father’s wife: it is thy father’s nakedness.
(Leviticus 18:8)
“Embrace Lilith’s nakedness?” laughs Shem. “You’re a little late to be warning us businessmen about THAT, O Mr. Oedipus from the Future; for it is common knowledge that Lilith pours out her fornications on every passerby. That’s why we all give her praise, and call her The Queen of the Whatness; and that’s why Jehovah God so often visits our suite.”
“Hmm, I wonder,” sez Japheth, “what happened in futurity to make its inhabitants so fearful about the embrace of nakedness. Also, what is a ‘wife’? The oracle indicates ‘thy father’s wife’. I’ve never heard that term. What might that be?”
“I just assumed it’s a synonym for ‘playmate’; some sort of legalese,” sez Ham. “Since, at least according to the law, Noah’s our father; and Lilith’s his playmate; then Lilith might be considered Noah’s ‘wife’.”
“Those were my thoughts as well,” sez Shem.
(The clinking of glasses, light conversation, and a soft, sweet moan is now heard coming from the bedroom of Lilith.)
“Well I don’t know what we should do with this strange artifact,” sez Ham, referring to the message found in the bottle. “I just wanted to show it to you guys. I guess, for now, I’ll leave the scroll right here on the mantel. Let’s be careful around it, lest it fall into the fireplace.”
“OK,” sez Japheth. “So... are we adjourned?”
“Meeting adjourned,” shout Ham and Shem.
Japheth bonks the rubber gavel.
“Well, since we’re done here, I guess I’ll go see what Lilith’s up to,” sez Ham. “You guys are welcome to join.”
The brothers nod.
Ham rises from his chair and proceeds to the far wall, where hang the red drapes that separate the bedroom from the boardroom. As he passes by the fireplace, the air is stirred just enough to sweep the scroll from the mantel, and the paper lands in the blaze.
While his brethren linger behind, Ham places his hands on the red drapes, parts them, and crosses the threshold into Lilith’s bedroom. He gazes upon the forms that are sprawled on the waterbed: Noah is supine, fast asleep; Lilith is chanting a poem and admiring herself. After some moments, she stops mid-verse & looks up at her visitor.
“O Ham, well met! I did not see you at first. Come picnic with me.”
After an interval, Noah briefly wakes from his slumber. He turns aside, rubs his eyes, and sees Ham and Lilith picnicking. He reaches to his nightstand, takes his glass in hand, and raises it in a toast.
Meanwhile, Shem and Japheth are still loitering in the boardroom, studying some graphs. Suddenly the drapes at the far end of the room are thrust aside and Ham appears, initially walking in reverse, still facing Lilith’s room and waving. “Queen, adieu,” sez Ham as he leaves her. Then he turns around and faces his brethren. “Hey guys, do we have a spare blanket anywhere? Noah seems a bit frigid.”
So Shem and Japheth fetch a swaddling cloth, and go in and lay it upon Noah’s shoulders, and wrap him.
And between that moment when Ham arose from the waterbed, and the scene where Shem and Japheth attempt to warm up their father, Lilith conceives & bares Mary, and chants: “I have begotten a child who will in turn beget a mighty prophet: one like unto the Future Christ of Thebes, who has fulfilled and thus abolished the Law of the Olympians, superseding it with the Forgiveness of the Titans. For the last shall be first.” And she again bare Mary’s cousin Elisabeth, who, despite coming out of the womb second, was born with Mary’s hand clutching her heel. And this was considered a sign and a surety of the Oracle of Oedipus, whose surname was Merlin.
Now Noah, hearing this good news, immediately authorizes an Alternate Testament as his Revised Will, which anoints the child Mary as heiress of Enoch Estates. Noah nods to his ghostwriter Tertius (one of the offspring of the Fallen Goddesses), signifying that he should roll up this parchment containing Noah’s dictated wishes, and secure it in the glass bottle that he had just drained, then cork it tightly, after adding, alongside the document, a miniature replica of the ship that they sailed around the world: the Floating Brothel.
Thus was Mary blessed above all other magdalenes.
But Noah was old and stricken in years when he wrote his New Testament. Indeed, by that point, which was nearly a full black-hole moment after the first world-flood (see the passage about the post-Seth Enoch, in Book 2, for the definition of “black-hole moment”), Noah had reached the age of nine hundred & fifty. So, altho Shem and Japheth had wrapped him in a swaddling cloth, he gat no heat. However, luckily, right at that instant, just after Noah’s message had been placed inside the bottle along with his boat, a chariot of fire burst in thru the roof and took him.
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