Same Story (part 19)

Dear diary,

Now Jehovah, hearing that Sarah and her trinity of friends wanted to go on a voyage into the unknown, outside of Ur, beyond Shinar, personally took the elevator down from the Dark Tower and approached the foursome and greeted them heartily, saying:

“Yes! Yes! I love this idea! Let’s get you out of this country, and away from all these people in this One Perfect Nation; away from family, away from the traditions of your ancestors (despite the fact that they are honorable and trustworthy); I’ll guide you to a land that I think you’ll find riveting. These inhabitants of Ur are perfect; and their way of life is perfect; but it’s still good to try something new. I wanna make you into a nation of your own — not to rival Ur but to compliment it (for two brains are better than one!) — and I wanna shower you with good luck, and make you happy, and give you great fame so that your names live on in the history books. I wanna make you so genuinely satisfied that your satisfaction infects others and makes them feel satisfied as well, even against their will. As a rising tide lifts all boats: ALL creatures shall be content.”

So Sarah took Abram in her arms and lifted him over the threshold of Ur, beneath the radiant “EXIT” sign; and Jehovah trailed them at a discrete distance. Adam also joined the party, with her playmate Lot the lizard-person. (For what is paradise without a reptile!) And Abram was 75 years old when he departed out of Ur. And Sarah was in her late teens.

And Sarah takes Abram her travelmate, and Lot her brother’s son, and all the riches that Lot has accumulated from being the majority stockholder of a Railroad Monopoly, and all the offspring that they had spawned during their time in Ur (for Lot & Adam had produced an yuge family; tho Sarah & Abram were childless, because Abram shot blanks); and they travel forth into the Great Unknown.

And as they pass thru this weird new realm, in order to abate their fear and to make the place feel familiar, they give names to every region of the landscape, and they inscribe these names on their map. They label one stretch “Sichem”; and another big dip they nickname “Moreh”; and a very pretty place that they encounter, which looks just like the paintings of ancient Eden which they’ve seen displayed in the Dark Tower, they name “The Promised Land”, in hopes that Fate will take the hint.

And Jehovah appears in the mind of Sarah, in the form of a vision; and, with a booming voice, he sez:

“If you can manage to bring forth a child, I will give you that gardenscape that you labeled ‘The Land that God Promised unto Us’; yet, remember: your travelmate Abram can only shoot blanks.”

Now Sarah comes out of this reverie and glances over her shoulder: & there is Jehovah, trekking behind their group. Sarah shouts: “Was that you, in truth, appearing in my prophetic vision? Or did I just have a wishful dream, signifying nothing but hunger?”

And Jehovah sez: “It depends. What did I say?”

And Sarah sez: “You said that you can make all my desires come true, if only I will have the courage to act upon my impulse.”

And Jehovah smiles ironically and sez: “No, that doesn’t sound like me. I’m more of a practical, pragmatic God — Lord Jehovah is my name: I am a Man of War, remember? (Exodus 15:3) I care nothing for creeping into the minds of enlightened women and tantalizing them with divers lusts.”

Then Sarah reaches forth her arm and clutches Abram’s shoulder, stopping him in his tracks, and turns him toward her. She stares directly into his eyes and sez: “Abram. Build an altar, right here and now. We must have a barbecue; for I am positively starving.”

And while Abram is firing up the grill, Jehovah removes from thence unto a mountain on the east side of the part of the land that they gave the name “Bethel” (which, when interpreted, means “House of God”); and there Jehovah sets up a makeshift bedroom, and adjusts the drapes so that they are alluringly parted.

Then, after that fully gratifying night, the posse continues its journey southward. Eventually the travelers reach a land that they decide to call “Egypt” (which means either “Dark-Matter Soul-Vortex” or “The Inescapable Reality” or “The Only Place that Actually Exists: Everyplace Else is Just an Illusion”). It’s basically a desert: there’s nothing to eat anywhere, except sand; for nothing grows from the ground. There are empty, pyramidal tombs littering the countryside, waiting for someone to dare to die in them. But humankind is death-proof, because their forebears declined to partake of the forbidden tree, in the beginning, thus these edifices sadly remain uninhabited.