Dear diary,
So, since Egypt is the place designated for dead souls to swim to, once they leave their flesh bodies, and since humankind proved perfect this time around, and there was no split between body and soul but both were one unity, and thus death could not touch them, one might say that there was a famine in the land of Egypt: a famine for death. And it was grievous: there was not a soul anywhere, for everyone who ever lived was either still alive on earth or in heaven above, or even higher than that, since living creatures never stop ascending: up & away.
All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses...
—from “Song of Myself” (§6) by Walt Whitman
So Abram sez to Sarah: “Let us stop in this country and sojourn here. This realm suits my taste.”
And when he and his travelmate draw nigh unto the giant cross that marks the country’s entrance, Abram turns to Sarah again and sez:
“Behold now, I know that thou art a woman who possesses genius and exuberant mental faculties: Therefore it may come to pass, when the phantoms of this graveyard catch a glimpse of thee, that they shall say as follows:
“‘Ah! This one must be the travelmate of the famous prairie lawyer; it is certain that she knows the secrets of all his business dealings. Now, go to: let us ask her to tell us the password for his portable computing device, so that we may transfer his karmic funds into OUR OWN accounts, and gain great riches in the sphere of moral destiny, despite the fact that we have not even been born yet! (For we are the spirits who would have lived if death had made its way into the world, therefore we are like a multitude of aborted infants, since Death Itself died in the womb, as it were; and our leader, the Apostle Paul, whose Christ has been barred from shedding his blood for us, informs us that now we cannot be saved and washed clean, as there is no sin to taint us.)’
“Indeed, that is what the fiends of this necropolis shall say, if they catch a glimpse of thee, O Sarah, my companion. Now, therefore, should we chance to meet any potential clients hereabouts, and they inquire what position you hold in my law firm, let us claim that you are still but an unpaid intern. That way, they will conclude that you have no knowledge about how to access my most important info.”
And it comes to pass, when Abram and Sarah begin to approach the severest of the stone edifices, that a ghoulish form flies forward and greets both travelmates with an holy kiss, and this one introduces himself as Timothy. Then a congregation of similarly airy figures dart forth and bow before Sarah, and they beckon her and Abram to come follow them; and they commend Sarah before their leader, the aforesaid Apostle, Paul of Tarsus, and the living humans are taken into Paul’s house of worship (which is called a “boneyard”, on account of the bones.)
And Paul entreats Abram well for Sarah’s sake; and he transfers ownership of many of his stocks to Abram, as a sign of good will: he transfers ten percent of his stock in sheep bones, and the same for his stock in she-camel bones, and twelve percent of his oxen-bone stock, and of his ass-bone stock he transfers five percent of his total holdings. And this serves to win Mr. Abram’s favor.
But in the night, when all the specters of Egypt are out haunting firstborns, Jehovah God sneaks into the office of the Apostle, and he hacks into Paul’s electronic abacus and arranges the interface so that it spells out an all-caps warning, which cycles repeatedly over four stark screens: “NO FUNNY BUSINESS PAUL / THESE SOULS ARE SINLESS / SAVE YOUR SALVATION / SARAH IS LILITH'S”. Then Jehovah causes all the phantoms of the whole Church of Paul to come down with the common cold, on the morrow, so as to inhibit their evangelizing.
Now Paul buzzes Abram into his office and sez: “What is this that you have done, allowing my ancient rival into the district? Are you planning to aid him in suing me for damages? Why did you not tell me that your intern is this same sorceress Sarah, about whom the rumors keep squeaking and gibbering? You could have simply admitted that she was your business partner; I would have respected the arrangement. Now get out of town, before Maestro vacuums up all my disciples!”
And Abram murmurs, while stepping out of the office, “One minor correction: My business partner is the reptilian fellow yonder. Sarah’s only my travelmate.”
So the Apostle charges his congregation to bar the entryway of their mausoleum. And Abram & Sarah reunite with Lot & Adam, and they vacate Egypt.
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