Same Story (part 21)

Dear diary,

So Abram & Sarah make their exodus from Egypt with Lot & Adam. They take their double-date on the road.

And Abram, I should mention, is very rich, for he works as a prairie lawyer, whose main gig is representing Lot’s Railroad Monopoly. Thus, when he travels, he always carries along much luggage: sacks filled with cash, enormous computers that keep track of all his stocks and bonds, as well as combo-lock briefcases whose contents emit an amber glow like heaven.

Now the party assumes that it’s heading in an untraveled direction, but they must have somehow got turned around during the fiasco in Egypt, because they soon espy, up ahead on the horizon as they are approaching, the mountain of Oreb, and the place that they aforetime labeled Bethel, where they bivouacked with Jehovah, which zone contains the house — or rather bedroom — of the God; as tho these items have been, all along, reclining in wait for them. Also, here on the acclivity, just as they left it, is the altar upon which Mr. Abram grilled beefsteaks. And the embers are still warm.

So they decide to stop here and rest again.

But remember how I told you, just a couple moments ago, how much baggage that Abram lugs around when he travels? Well, his lizard-friend Lot, being a businessman as well (recall that he’s the majority owner of Union Planetary Tunnel-Runner, a Railroad Monopoly, which he inherited from his father) also carries with him, wherever he journeys, multiple pallets of impedimenta, giant rigs of paraphernalia, kits of accoutrements, big bundles of belongings, and trunks of clobber. Yes, these ultra-wealthy lawyers of the prairie and their reptilian business partners simply cannot get to sleep, when out on the road, if their STOCKPILES OF STUFF are not within immediate clutching-distance.

So this presents a problem. For the land is not able to bear both Lot and Abram. They cannot continue their double-date with all these trailers of valuables anchored hither and yon. Everywhere one looks, there are stacks of goods, and they all have bright labels tied to them, or fixed upon them with neon sticky-notes, which say either “Private Property of Abram” or “Private Property of Lot”. And all their livestock have price-tags punched in their ears, as well as brands branded on their backside.

So all this ruins the dating atmosphere, which should consist of soft mood-lighting and a frisky, latin-jazz soundtrack, not the moaning of barnyard animals and deeds of ownership tied together with thick hempen ropes. In short, the ambiance is unromantic.

And anytime Sarah tries to lean in to kiss Mr. Abram, or whenever Adam leans in to kiss Mr. Lot, some cowboy or goatherd rudely saunters between them and interrupts the moment. And these livestock wranglers are always carrying pistols and lassos, and they are NOT very pleasantly scented.

So now there arises a strife between the herdmen of Abram’s cattle and the herdmen of Lot’s cattle. Various rough youths among each clan start flinging insults at each other and yelling combative taunts from either side of the dining table, while the two couples are trying to make sweet-talk.

Suddenly Mr. Abram stands bolt upright & delivers an impassioned speech to both companies. He draws upon the skills in oratory that he acquired during his years as a prairie lawyer. He sez:

“Brothers and sisters, herdmen and herdwomen, listen. Give ear to my words now, and heed this speech that I shout. Let there be no further strife, I pray, betwixt our companies, by which I mean all the farmhands of Abram, and all the farmhands of Lot. Behold: do we not own this whole countryside, by virtue of the golden law “Might makes right”? There is more than enough room here for the both of us. Why don’t you miscreants and pirates all settle on the left-hand region of the meridian; while I and my bands of ruffians, and every scoundrel and hoodlum currently under my own payroll, shall settle on the right. Or, if you prefer the right-hand region, then go ahead and hunker down on that side; and we’ll take the expanse to the left of the meridian — I don’t really care which stretch of land each group of us fixes upon dominating: It is not my aim to pull a fast one on ya, or hoodwink y’all, or dupe ye; I just want some peace and quiet, so that I might sup with my significant other, my travelmate Sarah. For she and I have been trying, over the past couple of hours now, to enjoy a double-date with my business partner Lot and his ladyfriend Adam, here; and you’ve all been making it rather hard for us to grow intimate. So, whichever half of this sweep that you roughnecks choose, I and my teamsters will take the opposite. And, once you’ve finalized your selection, Mr. Lot and I will augment our seating arrangement accordingly; which is to say: we’ll take our place on whatever side of the dining table corresponds to our own company’s land-grab. This we will do, in hopes of concluding our evening in peace and harmony. For let us not forget that, although Lot and I are the shrewdest of businessmen and thus extremely competitive, we also are family.”

Now, having attended to this speech from Mr. Abram, the gangs of servants employed by Mr. Lot gather together in a huddle to put their decision to a vote; and Mr. Lot himself joins them to officiate. And they allow various members of the team to make arguments on behalf of this or that viewpoint. And one thug sez:

“Look at all the lush plain over here, on this side of the meridian — if we choose to snatch this hemisphere, the Jordan river comes with it, thus our land will be well watered everywhere. This domain is more fruitful than that famous garden of Eden owned by Jehovah. We’d be stupid not to choose this side. That’s my advice.”

So, not even needing to follow thru with the vote, Lot nods and begins to walk back to the table, to inform Abram of the decision.

Thus Lot settled the land to the east and received all the plain of Jordan, and his farmhands separated themselves from the herdfolk of Abram. And while Abram colonized the land of Canaan, Lot erected high-rises in the cities of the plain and constructed apartment complexes in Sodom.

But the inhabitants of Sodom were busybodies and judgmental: they were always critiquing each other’s clothing and hairstyles, and if anyone owned a house that had a front- or back-yard of significant size, they would complain about the quality of that homeowners’s landscaping — nothing was ever quite good enough for their fault-finding eye. Plus none of the upstanding citizens who lived in Sodom or Gomorrah read books, ever; they only watched lousy television shows where people bickered and argued and fought about the most trifling details. So Jehovah found their culture annoying.

& Jehovah said unto Sarah, after Abram & Lot went their separate ways in the land:

“Lift up your eyes, and look: from this place where we stand, all the way northward, southward, eastward, & westward — not just this or that side of the meridian, but the whole shebang, omnidirectionally: I hereby swear I will make this land ALL YOURS. And you can keep it FOREVER. Also, it’s true that since Abram shoots blanks, he cannot father a child, but I myself can father a child: lo, the child that I give you will father children of its own, in turn; so, when all’s said and done, you’ll have more descendants than you can count. Unless you are able to count how many individual particles of dust there are on the earth — if so, then I will stand corrected: in that case, you will be able to number your descendants. But I think it’s safe to say that you’ll lose track of them after, say, nine thrillion generations. Sound nice? Then arise, walk thru this land: go as far as you can, in the length of it in and in the breadth of it — wherever your feet can reach, I will deed that region to you, simply because I admire your intellect.”